Monday, March 13, 2006

Please Understand, Please Listen with your heart?

My friend's Birthday Party is this Saturday night, and she has invited me to come. I told her that I couldn't make it because I had to work. I do have to work (six days again), and Saturday is one of them. I have to work 3:30pm until 9:30pm and I have to be to work at 7 Sunday morning. That's not the entire reason though. With my friend there is the issue of Drugs and Alcohol. Her and her sister smokes weed, and most of there friends too. I am not into stuff like that. I am agianst drugs and alcohol. I grew up in a home where a man did this stuff, and the things he did to my mom, and the things I heard him talk about made me not ever want to be like him. He beat my mom, he seemed to look for reasons to spank me. I just didn't want anything to do with him.

She knows how I feel about this issue. I told her about the things in my past. She shrugs it off, and says it won't happen to me (Damn right it won't). I'm not gonna let it.

I don't need someone trying to get me to drink or smoke. I need a friend. I need someone who will encourage me to stay steadfast in my beliefs and not compromise my values. I need a friend who can help me see the mistakes I've made in my life and not make them again. I need a friend who will support me, and talk to me when I need an ear or a shoulder to cry on. If you want to change me, get me to listen to some music that I wouldn't normally listen too. You never know, I may learned to like it. If you want to change me, get me to hang out in groups, and be more sociable around people (God knows I need this). Just don't try and make me do drugs or drink alcohol. I've seen what they does to people, the intoxicating effects they have on people, the irrational behavior that they create, the violent acts they cause, the emotional scars and wounds that they re-open. I just don't want to be subjected to them anymore, I don't want to feel anymore pain because of them. The words intoxication speaks for itself. In "
Toxic"
ation. People are poisoning themselves to feel better.


Why can't she see how I am feeling? What must I do to get her to see my feelings, short of ripping my heart from my chest, or finding a way to project my past into her present. Just thinking about this is making me upset right now (Crying). I listened to her point. I just wanted her to listen to mines, and I don't think I conveyed it to her so she could feel it. Like I said I told her I had to work, but I was GLAD I did, because although I am her friend, I just can't be around people smoking and drinking. I'm sorry that I can't be there for her on her birthday, but it's just to overwhelming. It invokes darkness inside of me, a kind of mind numbing, darkness that makes me sit still and not move. It's worse than when I am around a crowd of people. Not only do I feel the eyes, but I feel like I am being judged as if they think that I think I am better than them, because I don't drink or smoke. No, I just don't have the strength to go through another round of drama involving drugs and alcohol.

Now she has me questioning our friendship! Am I even her friend? Will I ever find that "True Friend" that I have been looking for? Do I even deserve friendship, or love for that matter?

8 comments:

Stephaine said...

Whether or not you’re her friend, only you can decide. Only you can decide the degree of that friendship as well. If she is encouraging you to drink and smoke, I would rethink it. Of course you deserve friendship and love but not at the cost of going against your beliefs and values. Talk to her or even let her read this post. I can only speak for myself when I say that I wouldn’t want anyone I consider my friend feeling this bad. While she may not understand why you feel the way you do, the fact that you feel it, should be enough.

Good Lord perhaps I should have just wrote a post about it.

tfg said...

Encouraging you to be self-destructive does not sound like the work of a friend. Particularly because she knows that you know what the outcome will probably be.

Bluwave said...

*Listened with my heart*

Yes, you deserve both friendship and love! As for being sociable, and perhaps making new friends, I took an Adult Ed class in cooking once and met a really cool girl who I still talk to this day.

So my lame advice is to take Adult Ed classes where you can meet new people. I've meet people through my church as well.

Stay strong, Charles. You're a great guy. :)

--Kris

DesLily said...

I will never understand people who persist on trying to make someone else something they are not.

I true friend may ask if you want to joing him or her for a drink or a smoke, but once told no thanks I don't drink or smoke a real friend will not ask again. They won't try to change you. Either they will respect your choices and still want to be around you or they should find another friend.

I still smoke cigarettes. I am not proud of the fact I haven't been able to stop. But I never smoke in someone elses home or car without asking first. And if they say no, I respect it and if i still feel i have to have one I will go outside or away and return when done. I do this because I want to remain friends and not push them away.

but then i don't like anyone trying to push anything on me either. be it the way they see politics, or religion or their habits of grass or drinking.

it's not wrong to ask once.. but it is wrong not to respect your answer.

ChasingMoksha said...

Friends will not expect other friends to do something he or she does not want to do. Don't go. If it cost you the frienship then I would wonder if it was ever really a friendship. If you stay with your convictions it may guide her to make the same decision.

Stay strong!

redsneakz said...

A friend who encourages you to do these things is no better than someone who shoots you. A friend who doesn't respect your need to be away from bad stuff doesn't understand you and is probably not worthy of you.

You're a good soul, Charles. Don't let the evils of the world snatch you.

Chelle said...

A FRIEND understands and does not make you FEEL as you do. It is your choice and you should be respected for it. I dated a man who smoked pot and drank. His friends tried to get me to try it many times. The man I dated LITTERALLY told them to bug off and did not have them come over any more, due to respect that I was not into it.

That is how it should be.

*hugs*

Chris said...

She probably feels that you are judging her. Is part of the see/hear>tell yourself a story>feel>act cycle. She is tying her assumptions into what you are trying to say.

You might want to try "contrasting" with her to re-establish "safety" for her to talk about it. For example, "I am sorry if you think I am judging your lifestyle, that is the last thing I am trying to do. I just don't trust myself in an environment where I might be tempted."

Chris
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