For Jeanette

If it wasn't for you Jeanette, I probably wouldn't have ever posted another blog entry again. She inspired me to do another post by leaving a comment for me. Well I have some stories (boy do I) but I'm not going to tell them at present time. This is just an update (yaaaay!?!)

Yep I'm still around. I have been poked and prodded countless times. I've drunk more of that CT contrast in the past year than plain water. I've given more blood for tests than the average person donates, but I'm cool. I'm not scared of needles anymore!!! Still though the thought of having had cancer bothered me, and left me a little depressed. Didn't feel like doing much of anything, and if it wasn't for my Step-Mom, Dad (especially DAD), Aunts and Cousins, I don't think I would have made it through it all. My nephew is four years old about to start pre-school. He is a very charismatic little boy. His smile is so infectious that he makes me smile. I may not be his favorite uncle, but He's my favorite Nephew (My only Nephew LOL). I think if he taught me anything its that I need to do things no matter how tired or sick I feel. When he wants me for something I'll get up for the most part. Not only am I lucky that he had a hand in saving my life, but I'm also very fortunate to watch him grow up to be a young man.

I must confess though Jeanette, there is another reason why (a big reason even though it may seem a little childish) I stopped blogging. While I was out from work recovering from my surgery, one of my cousins got me hooked on an online video game website called Club Pogo. I got so hooked in fact that I once spent a nearly a whole day and night on the sight playing games. In fact I made it my goal to get every weekly badge of 2009 and achieved it. Kind of like my tribute to being a cancer survivor.

Another reason I considering ending "Am I thinking that" is because I'm in the process of starting a new more positive challenge in my life. One that doesn't require me dropping my pants for a testicular and lymph node exam. I Charles W. will officially become a college student January 25th. I'm getting tired of my current job. Can't deal with the complaints, the drama, and the managers.

I need a change of pace, so I think I'd rather endure being a student, and being around a crowd of people even though I get uneasy around crowds.

I'd rather get a better paying job...a career instead of being degraded by by people who try to get away with scams, or get upset with me because they can't get there way.

I'd rather try and succeed as a student rather than cower and fail. Ever since my life threatening ordeal, I've been thinking about this. After I had an incident at work recently I acted on my need to make my life better. I've gotten my financial aid, now all I need to do is get pick my classes with the help of an adviser, and go to orientation and them I'm a college student.

Well that's what I'm up to right now. I'll be stopping by to visit anyone still around like you Jeanette.

P.S. I love spellcheck :P

very unstimulating day

Just got home from work and whew..., its been a long day. Today some kind of stimulus package for parents on food stamps who had children in school. Those parents got $200 a per child. I had one lady who claims she got $1000 for her kids.

When I was a kid food stamps were given out as paper money, today its done on whats called and EBT card. The cash was given to the parents on those EBT cards, and an unforeseen side-effect occurred because of this.

People with those benefit cards came to my job with one mission... to get that money off of those cards (do you see where i'm going with this???). A a customer with these cards can go to our ATM's with there cards, because they accept QWEST, and those benefit cards are QWEST cards. The only problem is that over 70% of these people had cards that had damaged magnetic strips, so they couldn't swipe them in our ATM's. So they did the next best thing. They went through our lines and bought an item (gum, candy bar, etc.), and got $50 over off there card. This however wasn't just being done at our store. This was being done at every Store in the greater Rochester area, and in turn our EFT (Electronic funds transfer) machines went offline. While this happening I was helping a customer who was trying to get her fifty dollars. I had to hand type her number in. When I did my register told me that I was offline and I couldn't complete the transaction. Funny thing though, the damn register DID process the transaction, and took $50.54 from her account. I had to call to get some help from our corporate office. Had to fill out some form and call and give them the info. It took almost an hour to get a person, and 10 minutes to finish giving them the info.

When I was finished I got a call from the assistant office manager telling me not to process anymore cash transactions from EBT cards because we were nearly depleted of money. People were coming in just for the money stimulus money.

My co-worker and I think that the whole idea of this stimulus package for school students was pointless. The parents aren't going to spend the money on there children. Lets be real here, yes some of them will, but not all of them. I had one lady buy a pack of cigarettes with her money. Someone bought a case of beer. Its very very frustrating. Governor Patterson had good intentions, but people are going to take advantage of it.

First time ever i'd be happy....

Tomorrow the Watchmen movie will go on sale, and I was thinking about Wal-Mart's policy regarding explicit material. Back when I used to like rap, I hated this policy, because the prices on music were cheap, but the bleeps or clean alternatives were annoying.

I remember when I went to see the Watchmen, and I thought it was a pretty good movie say one exception. I didn't want to see Dr. Manhattan's "assets". Not only did the thought of seeing it gross me out, but at the same time kind of made me jealous (LMAO). Seriously though No one wants to see that. For the first time ever I think i'd be happy if something I want is edited.

I'm not the only one either! I remember after the movie, I went and sat at the busstop and this guy, that also saw the movie in the same theater as me tried to start a conversation with me. He kept saying he liked the movie, but he didn't want to see Dr. Manhattans "privacies". I totally agreed with him, but he kept saying it over and over again. When he finally realized that I was either traumatized or indiffrent toward him (the latter), he called someone on his phone and started telling them over and over. It got to the point where I thought he was either jealous of how well endowed that CGI character was or he was homophobic. The fact that he was talking really loud gave it away.

So when I get the chance i'm happily going to Wal-Mart to check and see if there is an edited version, and happily buy it if there is.

"No Blue Pipe, No Blue Pipe."

->Old<- people can be blunt!

LOL

I was at work this week and I was cashing a customers Social Security check, and she asked me how long i've been working at my job. So I tell her, "Eleven years, Since '98". The she goes on to say, "I figured as much, because when I first saw you, you hadn't lost your hair." So now because of another older person, I now want to either get hair restoration or a tupee. Or find a way to go completely bald. LMAO

The other customer, well I put on some weight over the years, and he noticed and called me fat.

Someday (Soon I hope)

You came to my job... it made me so happy...
Looking so beautiful in that white dress. We sat down on a bench outside and held hands. It felt so nice and so right. Never had this feeling before. This closeness, it felt so right and so nice. When I looked into your eyes I knew I just wanted to stay there forever. We cuddled and something felt wrong, like I was being pulled away. I didn't want to go, but I had no choice. It felt so real that day, and now I can't let go. I woke up from that dream and hurt a little, but at least it was a happy one. Someday I hope it just seems like a dream...

Love... the Miracle

Rule #4 Accept that there are things you can't control

Ever since the testicular cancer my eyes have been open to some things that over the years I've refused to accept, because I thought I was above them.

I thought I could continue to eat and drink all of my favorite junk foods without any repercussions.

I thought that i'd never get a serious illness or disorder of any kind.

I thought I could survive without letting others in.

I thought I'd never have to go see a doctor about anything.

Its funny, it when I went to see the movie "Knowing" with Nicholas Cage it was the catalyst that made me realize that I had about as much control over the growth in my right testicle, as I do with my involuntary bodily functions. Heck, there are times where I can barely put one foot in front of the other without tripping over them. At the end of that film it made me realize that everyone will die. My time can come a years from now, days from now, or even while i'm typing this post. When it happens I won't have no control of it. I may not even have time to accept it, so I guess I have to learn to accept that it will eventually come. I have to accept that there are some things I just can't control.

Sure we find ways to cope, like eating too much. Escaping the world by listening to music real loud. I once read an article about domestic violence that said that abusive men hit there women, because they have no control over there lives. I watched a man do this to my mom when I was a child and I couldn't do nothing to stop it, and in some sense even though it has stopped for nearly 15 years, I'm still paying for his mistakes. Its hard for me to let a woman into my life. I want to fall in love, its just sometimes i'm afraid that I will end up like him and abuse the love of my life. I wouldn't want to do that, I wouldn't want to be that. I would kill myself before I let it happen, but whose to say that I would even have control of it. I constantly have to remind myself that i'm not him and that I wasn't responsible for his actions. It wasn't my fault that he hit my mom and I couldn't protect her because I was only a child. I have to accept that I couldn't control there decisions. Her decision to stay with him, and his for beating on her.

Now if I can only eat those grapes instead of that cake.

I'm alright for the most part!

I just wanted to post and say that i'm fine!

I made it through the chemotherapy in one piece. I had a few side-effects. Most of it was indigestion. It felt like gas was going to burst out of my mouth. Then there was the toxic feeling. I mean I felt like a toxic waste dump. Only way I can explain it. Sometimes I would (still do) wake up with this weird taste in my mouth. I also had some nausea, and I would have threw up once...well at least I would have, if i had food in my stomach. I did go through the motion of throwing up, but I hadn't ate anything the night before. When I did eat I could only eat a little. Couldn't stomach more that bite fulls at a time. Funny thing was that I was really hungry. Then there was the lack of sleep. The first night I wasn't going to sleep because of these five blue pills that were given to me. Some kind of stimulant that could possibly have me bouncing off of the walls. Instead they kept me up all night. Didn't get any sleep for three days. I cried cause I was so tired and so weak. The fourth day after my chemo treatment, I called into work, because I was so tired, and because that was the day I puked up nothing. And this folks was from one dose of chemo. One potent dose yes, but one dose!

I remember one day I started out trying to walk to work and I made it to a bus stop as a bus was coming and I decided to catch it, because I felt winded. Then when walked to work from a bus stop that was maybe 1000 feet from my job I got winded again. When I walked inside I was so tired. I walked up to the service desk to say hi, and I ended up plopping my head on the counter top. I think my manager and her assistant both thought I walked to work from home, but I didn't at all that week.

As for the testicular cancer its gone, well at least thats what half of the test says (LOL). When my oncologist had a AFP test taken, he found that I had tested positive for both types of testicular cancer (Seminoma and Non-Seminoma). The tumor that was removed was seminoma. Yet after the surgery and these last few months, i've still been testing positive for the Non-Seminoma type. They don't know why I have that tumor marker in my blood, because I don't have any other tumors in my body from the looks of the Cat Scans and X-rays. I guess all they know is that its rare, and that my oncologist only have two patients with this condition. The doctor at Urology office told me that he only see one patient a year with this reading. I guess I was the one patient last year (LOL). My Urologists said that for whatever reason having that blood marker is normal for me.

I guess i'm fine for the most part. I won't lie. I'm a pretty much down right now. I bought Resident Evil Five for my Playstation 3, and I don't even feel like playing it. Heck the only thing I really feel like doing at all is playing club pogo, and chilling with my family. I missed out on alot, didn't see my cousins grow into young men and women. I Kind of regret that. I wish I could make up to them, especially since they gave me support during my bout with testicular cancer.