Monday, February 08, 2016


I have barriers! The kind that are intangible. They keep me from connecting to he outside world. They keep ne screaming on the inside. In the They are translucent on the outside, but on the inside there are words.



You are ugly
Your handwriting is ugly
Everything about you is ugly
You are scarred by your bout with cancer  and no woman will ever want to be with you
You can't relate to others so don't bother
You suck at conversation
Nobody likes you
You don't have any reason to live
You should just kill yourself
Nothing special about  you

Constantly reminding me from the moment I awake until I lay down to fall asleep. They get louder when I make contact with people. Notice how I said they. They've seem to taken on a life of their own, living a better life than me.

Monday, August 24, 2015

My Faith In Humanity!

I know what it feels like when a person feels that they are an outcast. Most of my life I have felt that way. People poke fun at the way I walked, talked, and breathed, and I'd struggle just to put one foot in front of the other. Here I am forty years old and I am still struggling. During my youth and young adulthood. I had a hard time understanding how bad things really are in the world. Racism, genocide, and the lack of human compassion. For awhile I believed that everyone had the potential to be thoughtful. I never really SAW how evil people could be until I started being bullied by my neighbors.

I am a shy person. I have for the most part kept my head down and minded my own business because I have never quite fitted in this world and could never relate. Whenever I made eye contact with someone like my neighbors I'd quickly change directions because of my shyness and kept quiet. They thought I was being an ass, but I was actually shy and afraid, because I wasn't good at conversation and I didn't want to seem stupid. Eventually they went on to think of this as my weakness and started verbally attacking me while I was indoors at home and I wouldn't do anything to stop it because I was afraid of what kind of reaction I'd get. Eventually it gotten so worse that I ended up seeking therapy because I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted to take my fears head on and show people that I wasn't slow or stupid, that I actually am a caring person. During that time of risk. I saw some of the worst possible things that we as a species should be ashamed of. I lifted my veil of loud music and tried to break up a fight, and no one came to aid me. It was futile, the police didn't even listen to me when they arrived. I knew which kids jumped the poor kids on the ground and the police didn't even acknowledge me. They kept asking the two kids on the ground if they knew who did this. I was there from the beginning of the the fight to the end trying to know avail to protect those kids. When I stopped the attackers from beating up one, they would go to the other. No one came to help me until after the damage was done. I didn't want to fight the attackers because I stood no chance, I just tried my best (insert futility here) to keep them at bay. That was roughly two years go.

Earlier this year a woman came to my job to pay some bills and purchase some money orders. She was not in good health, and honestly I was surprised that she was standing let alone walking. I felt so sorry for her. I wished in my heart that their was something I could do, so the best thing I did was treated her with dignity. I treated her as person who deserved my respect and I wanted to make her visit a pleasant one.

Why you ask? Because the people in line behind her were talking badly about her. Yes she had a lot of open wounds on her arms and legs, and yes she did look like her time on Earth was coming to an end. However you don't blurt out aloud that somebody looks like they have Aids. That ticked me off, so I wanted to at least make my interaction with her one to remember.

Three years of therapy and I discovered that I may have wasted my time trying to let people in, because all I have is disgust for humanity in general. Their are some kind people out there, but the evil and irresponsible ones are prevailing. Not sure that I want to return to get help, because I have little or no faith left for this world.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Together or not at all

Years ago while during a match of domination on Call of Duty: Black Ops, our team was losing and I was frustrated because my teammates were sitting in our end of the map protecting the C flag. We needed a the B flag to win and I was the only person trying to go for it. It got to the point where I did something out of character. I turned my headset mic on and told them, "We aren't going to win if you sit back in our spawn. I am not going any further than you are anymore. If you want to win we have to do this together". Then something awesome happened. For the first time ever someone took my advice seriously. We took the B flag and held on to our flag and obliterated the enemy team with killstreaks. After the game was over, and we won I heard another player say that he didn't think that I meant what I said and was glad he took chance "this once". It made me happy that day to hear those words.

The reason why I am sharing this story is because here I am once again saying that I won't go any further than people go with me. I am tired of hearing  people suggest that we should hang out and do stuff together and I am willing to put in an effort, but never get updated on the plans. If you want to do something with me follow-up! I don't want to be set up for a let down.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Better Place!

I have been battling with mental illness my whole life. I have been in an out of therapy, and I even went to emergency once because of a panic attack. I have posted things about how I feel and a few people suggested that I get some help. Well guess what I have done just that.

 It's the reason why I was able to go and sign up with Planet Fitness. It's the reason why I lost so much weight, and it's the reason why I am starting to be able to step outside my comfort zone. Granted it is NOT easy, and I do have moments where I slip, but I get right up on that saddle and keep on riding. I have been reading a book about cognitive thinking at the behest of my therapist, and I really think its helping me. Maybe I will get into more detail about it some other time. I have been talking to people more, sharing my feelings and even asking women out (although I have been turned down LOL). Also I have applied for an assistant manager position at work that I was more than qualified for, but that is a story for another time too. In any case something else opened up and I finally got full-time and a raise at a different location. Basically the same thing that I am doing now, but better benefits (sweet :). Also less responsibility than that assistant manager position too! 

Now I am focused on trying to find who "Charles" is. I always agreed when my opinions differed with others, I never spoke up when people put me down, and I always doubted myself when I wanted something better for my life. I feel so much better! I don't feel so lost and alone anymore. I can honestly say that although I still want to find the love of my life, I am content to be on my own now. I feel hope for the first time ever, and I'm going to get a car! Hehehe. If their is anyone reading this trust me! Believe in yourself. If you don't believe in anything else believe in you! DON'T let anyone ever put you down, because if they try, than you are better them! I know it's cliche, but if I can do it so can you. :-)

Friday, August 29, 2014

Poem I wrote as I was walking home from work. (Can't think of a name for it)

I make a mistake

A memory of a similar situation enters my thoughts.

It fragments

Latches onto other mistakes

Failures and disappointments

All of which continue to plague me

In chains

One by one

They line up and smack me in the face

Freeze my body encased

in a fit of fear

That is like ice

Become so cold


The person I would like to be

Will someone or something release me


Wednesday, June 04, 2014

Lost my fatty cakes

I don't know how it really started. One day I was playing video games, and I ate, and ate and ate. I'd sit in my room for hours on end entertaining myself in the fantasy world. All that time I wasn't paying any attention to myself, until one day I noticed I had gotten a bit of a belly. When I realized what was happening I told myself that I would work out and lift my weights again. A day goes by, then a week, and then a month...a year. I kept sitting on my behind playing video games because I wanted to escape the harsh realities of this world. For a time it worked, but reality started creeping in and it wasn't to subtle anymore.

I started noticing that it became harder for me to breathe. The swelling in my ankles became more severe, and I started getting venous stasis ulcers. Also I felt like I was dragging the day instead of living in it. I was always tired and I didn't like it. Literally when I woke up I felt like I was undead and I hadn't put two and two together. I hadn't really even noticed how fat I became until one day some kids on a school bus yelled, "Hey look at the fat man haha". Then a gentleman outside stuck for me and told them to respect they're elders. That day it all hit me at once. I go into more detail about the why in my next post. Lets just say it was life or death reasoning for now.

I was asked what it was I wanted to do with my life. To forget everything scary out in the real world and think what it was I wanted to do that wouldn't be to scary. First thing that came to my mind was the gym. So I signed up with Planet Fitness and started walking on the treadmill. At first it was difficult. I set a lofty goal to stay on the treadmill for an hour. It didn't matter how fast I was walking just as long as I lasted the whole hour. I kept thinking to myself that I want to give up and that this was pointless. That I will never lose the weight, and that I will never feel better. However I came back the next day, and the next, and kept coming. Heck I even walked from my house to the gym for extra exercise. I remember some of my co-workers and even customers telling me to take it easy. LOL you don't want to tell me that because I am the exact opposite of most people. I kind of take offense to it and it becomes a challenge. So I walked back home from the gym the same day just to prove to myself and them that I could do it.

In the first week I lost five pounds. I felt better and I had more energy. I didn't notice a change physically yet but I felt it. Six months go by and I lost twenty pounds. I noticed my face and stomach getting thinner. I even did my first selfie lol. I made it my goal to get down to 185 pounds by June of 2013. But something had happened though that distracted me. If you look at my profile pic of me in the blue shirt and tie it kind of says it all. I said I would never where dress clothes unless I was going to a funeral. My Grandad had passed away in January 2013. Kind of felt down and I stopped going to the gym for a bit. Had regrets of not spending more time with him. When I was a child I saw him more than my dad. My heart wasn't really in it for awhile but I realized that it was his time and he is at peace.

Right now as it stands I weigh 191 pounds, which down from 240. I have lost 49 pounds and I feel great. I feel tired when I wake up in the morning, but I don't feel dead tired :). I am walking fast Like I used to when I was in my teens and twenties again. Heck I feel like I can take on younger kids one on one in basketball. LOL I feel great, and I got the proof!

Famous quote: "If I can do it, you can too!"