Monday, August 24, 2015
I am a shy person. I have for the most part kept my head down and minded my own business because I have never quite fitted in this world and could never relate. Whenever I made eye contact with someone like my neighbors I'd quickly change directions because of my shyness and kept quiet. They thought I was being an ass, but I was actually shy and afraid, because I wasn't good at conversation and I didn't want to seem stupid. Eventually they went on to think of this as my weakness and started verbally attacking me while I was indoors at home and I wouldn't do anything to stop it because I was afraid of what kind of reaction I'd get. Eventually it gotten so worse that I ended up seeking therapy because I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted to take my fears head on and show people that I wasn't slow or stupid, that I actually am a caring person. During that time of risk. I saw some of the worst possible things that we as a species should be ashamed of. I lifted my veil of loud music and tried to break up a fight, and no one came to aid me. It was futile, the police didn't even listen to me when they arrived. I knew which kids jumped the poor kids on the ground and the police didn't even acknowledge me. They kept asking the two kids on the ground if they knew who did this. I was there from the beginning of the the fight to the end trying to know avail to protect those kids. When I stopped the attackers from beating up one, they would go to the other. No one came to help me until after the damage was done. I didn't want to fight the attackers because I stood no chance, I just tried my best (insert futility here) to keep them at bay. That was roughly two years go.
Earlier this year a woman came to my job to pay some bills and purchase some money orders. She was not in good health, and honestly I was surprised that she was standing let alone walking. I felt so sorry for her. I wished in my heart that their was something I could do, so the best thing I did was treated her with dignity. I treated her as person who deserved my respect and I wanted to make her visit a pleasant one.
Why you ask? Because the people in line behind her were talking badly about her. Yes she had a lot of open wounds on her arms and legs, and yes she did look like her time on Earth was coming to an end. However you don't blurt out aloud that somebody looks like they have Aids. That ticked me off, so I wanted to at least make my interaction with her one to remember.
Three years of therapy and I discovered that I may have wasted my time trying to let people in, because all I have is disgust for humanity in general. Their are some kind people out there, but the evil and irresponsible ones are prevailing. Not sure that I want to return to get help, because I have little or no faith left for this world.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Years ago while during a match of domination on Call of Duty: Black Ops, our team was losing and I was frustrated because my teammates were sitting in our end of the map protecting the C flag. We needed a the B flag to win and I was the only person trying to go for it. It got to the point where I did something out of character. I turned my headset mic on and told them, "We aren't going to win if you sit back in our spawn. I am not going any further than you are anymore. If you want to win we have to do this together". Then something awesome happened. For the first time ever someone took my advice seriously. We took the B flag and held on to our flag and obliterated the enemy team with killstreaks. After the game was over, and we won I heard another player say that he didn't think that I meant what I said and was glad he took chance "this once". It made me happy that day to hear those words.
The reason why I am sharing this story is because here I am once again saying that I won't go any further than people go with me. I am tired of hearing people suggest that we should hang out and do stuff together and I am willing to put in an effort, but never get updated on the plans. If you want to do something with me follow-up! I don't want to be set up for a let down.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
It's the reason why I was able to go and sign up with Planet Fitness. It's the reason why I lost so much weight, and it's the reason why I am starting to be able to step outside my comfort zone. Granted it is NOT easy, and I do have moments where I slip, but I get right up on that saddle and keep on riding. I have been reading a book about cognitive thinking at the behest of my therapist, and I really think its helping me. Maybe I will get into more detail about it some other time. I have been talking to people more, sharing my feelings and even asking women out (although I have been turned down LOL). Also I have applied for an assistant manager position at work that I was more than qualified for, but that is a story for another time too. In any case something else opened up and I finally got full-time and a raise at a different location. Basically the same thing that I am doing now, but better benefits (sweet :). Also less responsibility than that assistant manager position too!
Now I am focused on trying to find who "Charles" is. I always agreed when my opinions differed with others, I never spoke up when people put me down, and I always doubted myself when I wanted something better for my life. I feel so much better! I don't feel so lost and alone anymore. I can honestly say that although I still want to find the love of my life, I am content to be on my own now. I feel hope for the first time ever, and I'm going to get a car! Hehehe. If their is anyone reading this trust me! Believe in yourself. If you don't believe in anything else believe in you! DON'T let anyone ever put you down, because if they try, than you are better them! I know it's cliche, but if I can do it so can you. :-)
Friday, August 29, 2014
A memory of a similar situation enters my thoughts.
Latches onto other mistakes
Failures and disappointments
All of which continue to plague me
One by one
They line up and smack me in the face
Freeze my body encased
in a fit of fear
That is like ice
Become so cold
The person I would like to be
Will someone or something release me
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Wednesday, June 04, 2014
I started noticing that it became harder for me to breathe. The swelling in my ankles became more severe, and I started getting venous stasis ulcers. Also I felt like I was dragging the day instead of living in it. I was always tired and I didn't like it. Literally when I woke up I felt like I was undead and I hadn't put two and two together. I hadn't really even noticed how fat I became until one day some kids on a school bus yelled, "Hey look at the fat man haha". Then a gentleman outside stuck for me and told them to respect they're elders. That day it all hit me at once. I go into more detail about the why in my next post. Lets just say it was life or death reasoning for now.
I was asked what it was I wanted to do with my life. To forget everything scary out in the real world and think what it was I wanted to do that wouldn't be to scary. First thing that came to my mind was the gym. So I signed up with Planet Fitness and started walking on the treadmill. At first it was difficult. I set a lofty goal to stay on the treadmill for an hour. It didn't matter how fast I was walking just as long as I lasted the whole hour. I kept thinking to myself that I want to give up and that this was pointless. That I will never lose the weight, and that I will never feel better. However I came back the next day, and the next, and kept coming. Heck I even walked from my house to the gym for extra exercise. I remember some of my co-workers and even customers telling me to take it easy. LOL you don't want to tell me that because I am the exact opposite of most people. I kind of take offense to it and it becomes a challenge. So I walked back home from the gym the same day just to prove to myself and them that I could do it.
In the first week I lost five pounds. I felt better and I had more energy. I didn't notice a change physically yet but I felt it. Six months go by and I lost twenty pounds. I noticed my face and stomach getting thinner. I even did my first selfie lol. I made it my goal to get down to 185 pounds by June of 2013. But something had happened though that distracted me. If you look at my profile pic of me in the blue shirt and tie it kind of says it all. I said I would never where dress clothes unless I was going to a funeral. My Grandad had passed away in January 2013. Kind of felt down and I stopped going to the gym for a bit. Had regrets of not spending more time with him. When I was a child I saw him more than my dad. My heart wasn't really in it for awhile but I realized that it was his time and he is at peace.
Right now as it stands I weigh 191 pounds, which down from 240. I have lost 49 pounds and I feel great. I feel tired when I wake up in the morning, but I don't feel dead tired :). I am walking fast Like I used to when I was in my teens and twenties again. Heck I feel like I can take on younger kids one on one in basketball. LOL I feel great, and I got the proof!
Famous quote: "If I can do it, you can too!"
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
The first thing that happened to me was a doozy. I don't know if it was a coincidence or because of the update, but I started getting a warning that "blue screen" occurred on my computer. I didn't think nothing of it at first because nothing seemed any different. Then it started happening more frequent, and then my computer crashed. Turned out it was the motherboard. It burned out and I had to send it out for repairs. When I got my computer back I was so happy and I though things were looking up.
(Before motherboard crash)
I also have a Samsung Galaxy S3 android phone, and I had been anticipating the update of its software called Jellybean. My phone had the update of Jellybean 4.1.2 and I heard 4.3 was out, so I stupidly installed Samsung's program Kies Air to update it. It told me that an update was available, but It wasn't an update for my phone, and I totally wiped every app and every song on it. It was kind of like a system restore. I pressed the wrong button out of elation, without reading I guess. When I saw my phone was still at 4.1.2 after the "update", I was angry at myself. So I began re-installing everything on my phone again including my music. Everything was fine except one song, and the only reason I noticed is because I love this song. Amel Larrieux's song called "Weather". My "inner light was gray" that day, and so I went to play it and it worked for the first 20 seconds of the song and then it skipped to the next song. I was so livid because it meant I had to go and upload the song to my phone again. I was in my "if it isn't one thing" mode and I forgot about it until after my computer crashed.
(After motherboard crash)
LOL so when I remembered I went to upload the song to my phone. The files I had ripped to my laptop aren't compatible with it. My phone only accepts MP3 files and I had WMA. So I decided that I would delete the Windows Media Audio files and replace them with MP3's when I went to rip my music again, I got an error message telling me that, "Rip settings for windows media player cannot be changed". I tried to fix it and I even googled for instructions on how to fix the problem but couldn't find the answer so I gave up. I deleted all of my music for nothing (Grrr...)
Fast forward to yesterday and I decided that I wanted to make a ringtone on my phone from The Weather song again (at least that's what I thought) By now I had gave in and used my PC downstairs that's corrupted by spy ware thanks to family (thanx). I got the MP3s off of it but it turned out that the file that I got Amel Larriuex's "Weather" was also corrupted on that PC. I was batting zero. So as I said yesterday I wanted to make a ringtone. So I googled again for help and I saw someone had said that their was an error in Windows 8 that caused your username to be missing in certain files. So stupid me thinking I was SOOOO smart went into my administrator profile and changed my username, then I went back to my user profile, and windows glitched and created a temporary profile for me. It wouldn't give me access to my profile because I changed the username, and it was searching for the previous one. I tried to go back and fix the problem by changing the username back to what it was but I forgot what it was named (cini_00...something). I didn't create that, it was created when I was forced to use my email address for my Microsoft account. I had to create one so I could take full advantage of Windows 8 (grrr...).
So in the end I had no choice (or at least I thought) but to do a system restore. The last point of the restore was on the day I got my computer (2/03/13). So I lost everything, even though all I had to do was delete the profile. I was so angry that my emotions clouded my logic and I acted on emotion. So now I have a new profile without the Microsoft account (thank goodness) and Windows Media Player can rip Cd's as MP3's (YEAH). I upload Amel Larrieux's album "Infinite Possibilities" to my phone (even better). Then I go to create a ringtone from "Weather". I get angry because I realize... It was the wrong song. LOL It was scat from "Searching For My Soul" that I wanted. The part where she says leave that alone. I went through all of that over the course of seven months for the wrong song. That sums up me in a nutshell.