Escaping Reality

Yeah, it's been awhile...Again!

I haven't posted, I won't give any excuses, as I don't have any really. I've been spending my free time playing video games as of late. Not that I don't have anything better to do, because I have tons of stuff better to do. Lately, I've just been having a hard time dealing with reality. Instead of facing the struggles I've been having with myself, and low self-esteem. I've been just coming home, and staying hidden within my home. Mainly within the dark confines of my bedroom.


Work, Home, Sleep, with video gaming thrown somewhere in between. To be honest, I have a difficult time in the "real world". Social situations, life in the ghetto, No friends to speak of really. I even recently pushed some family members away, because of my battle with anxiety. The only real thing I have been enjoying is video gaming. And its not so real is it?

While I'm sitting here righting, I'm debating on whether or not to even publish this.

So many emotions, so many disappointments, and so many fears. The real reason I didn't want to post anything, is because of what I had to post...this.

Will I click "Publish Post"?

This one is for Trish

Sorry Trish I've been away for awhile. I know I said that I was going to blog consistently, but I had to get ready for my math course for the spring semester at the college I'm attending. Also I'm not the only one using the computer. My nephew, and my sisters are on it regularly too. I plan on getting a Laptop soon so hopefully I can blog whenever I feel like it :). Then again I also will have to pry myself from Call Of Duty: Black Ops. I've been obsessed with that game ever since I bought it. The online multi-player is awesome, aside from other players telling me I suck, or using bad language and racial slurs.

Normally I do my taxes on my own with the simple forms because well...my life is simple, but not this year. Hook me up with calculator and pen and no problem, but I sold some of my savings bonds, and I needed a little help. One exception though, I had my taxes done last year by this free tax service called C.A.S.H. I was going to do the same this year but I didn't qualify, because I sold said bonds. There was no way in H. E. Double Hockey Sticks (did I just type that???) I was going to some tax business and be charged $300 to do my taxes!!! I had felt so overwhelmed, because of it I kind of took it out on my mother when she said she would help me. Sorry about that mom, I didn't mean to. Love you (Hugs). I ended up buying Turbo Tax yesterday. Froze my A Double Snakes (yep I said it) at the busstop in waiting for the bus for like a half an hour. My furging feet (heh) were hurting so, but its okay, because in the end Turbo Tax was worth it. I got my taxes done and E-Filed, and I will have my Federal Taxes with eight days. Plus I also was able to finish my Financial Aid now that I got my taxes done. Now all I have to worry about is passing that Dang math course. Wish me luck

"This blog has been edited for explicit content." heh

Just when you think...

I went to my urologists office the other day, and it was supposed to be my last visit for a year. I was supposed to hear that, correction...I wanted to hear that everything is alright. I wanted to hear the words that I don't have to have another CT scan for a year. Instead I was told that they found an abnormality on my chest CT. He wanted me to get another CT scan in three months, but stupidly I agreed with the doctor and told him that I had not been feeling well at the time of the scan. He said I may have had a pneumonia. He moved it up to six months. Now I'm playing the waiting game again. My mother told me not to worry and not to stress, but I'm not so sure I can. I don't know if a pneumonia can last weeks, I do know that my chest hurts on the left side. It feels better than before, but it feels kind of heavy, and it hurts when I breathe. I'm not as stressed as I am scared. Its kind of ironic that now I desperately want a CT scan..

Which would you choose?

Which would you rather lose? In real life, you would have to choose one or the other. You can't choose to keep them both, and in some cases you could lose it all. Which would you choose? Would you chose to lose your vision, or your hearing?

If you chose your vision, it would mean losing your ability to see. You would lose so much more than the ability of preventing yourself from walking into things. You'd lose the ability to see your family, and friends. You'd lose the ability to see the love of your life. You wouldn't be able to see a sunset or a sunrise. There wouldn't be anymore autumn leaves. No more stars in the night sky. You'd miss seeing your children grow into adults. Seeing birds fly would be a thing of the past. Going blind we could miss seeing countless things. All you would have of these are memories stuck the same way for the rest of your life. Even then they may be come abstract because over time you could forget how they looked.

If you chose your hearing, it would mean losing your ability to hear. You would lose so much more than the ability to hear things approach you. You wouldn't be able to hear your love ones say I love you. You wouldn't be able to hear the bird calls, or a baby coo. You wouldn't be able to hear your favorite music. Waterfalls and raindrops would seem to keep falling forever with no end in sight. Even the occasional wind blowing is nice every once and awhile. I remember watching a segment on Good Morning America awhile back about a young girl who had lost her hearing in one ear from a condition, and she had to have surgery to fix a problem and it was going to cost her the hearing in her other ear. I remember them saying that she played a song over and over again because she wanted to remember it. It was an inspirational song. It was an inspirational story.

What if you didn't have either ability. Their is this book in high school I read. It is about a girl who lost both her hearing and vision at a very early age. A woman taught her words by writing letters with her fingers onto the child's hand. I never really wanted to read the book because It was a homework assignment, but now, I think I will go to borders and find the book about Helen Keller.

You never know one day you may wake up and you may have lost one of your senses. Don't take them for granted. Don't stay on the computer for hours at a time. Don't blast your music until your ears start ringing. It may not bother you now, but think fifteen years from now.

I need you!!

It's been awhile since we mingled. I saw you from a distance but had nothing to say. Every time I'd look at you I'd think I can't!!! All enthusiasm I had for you had been lost. Trying to let you in became a chore so I eventually gave up. But now because of unforeseen circumstances, I need you. I need you badly. These last few years have been challenging and I don't know what I'd do without you my blog. I'm Back!!!

Wordless Wednesday

For Jeanette

If it wasn't for you Jeanette, I probably wouldn't have ever posted another blog entry again. She inspired me to do another post by leaving a comment for me. Well I have some stories (boy do I) but I'm not going to tell them at present time. This is just an update (yaaaay!?!)

Yep I'm still around. I have been poked and prodded countless times. I've drunk more of that CT contrast in the past year than plain water. I've given more blood for tests than the average person donates, but I'm cool. I'm not scared of needles anymore!!! Still though the thought of having had cancer bothered me, and left me a little depressed. Didn't feel like doing much of anything, and if it wasn't for my Step-Mom, Dad (especially DAD), Aunts and Cousins, I don't think I would have made it through it all. My nephew is four years old about to start pre-school. He is a very charismatic little boy. His smile is so infectious that he makes me smile. I may not be his favorite uncle, but He's my favorite Nephew (My only Nephew LOL). I think if he taught me anything its that I need to do things no matter how tired or sick I feel. When he wants me for something I'll get up for the most part. Not only am I lucky that he had a hand in saving my life, but I'm also very fortunate to watch him grow up to be a young man.

I must confess though Jeanette, there is another reason why (a big reason even though it may seem a little childish) I stopped blogging. While I was out from work recovering from my surgery, one of my cousins got me hooked on an online video game website called Club Pogo. I got so hooked in fact that I once spent a nearly a whole day and night on the sight playing games. In fact I made it my goal to get every weekly badge of 2009 and achieved it. Kind of like my tribute to being a cancer survivor.

Another reason I considering ending "Am I thinking that" is because I'm in the process of starting a new more positive challenge in my life. One that doesn't require me dropping my pants for a testicular and lymph node exam. I Charles W. will officially become a college student January 25th. I'm getting tired of my current job. Can't deal with the complaints, the drama, and the managers.

I need a change of pace, so I think I'd rather endure being a student, and being around a crowd of people even though I get uneasy around crowds.

I'd rather get a better paying job...a career instead of being degraded by by people who try to get away with scams, or get upset with me because they can't get there way.

I'd rather try and succeed as a student rather than cower and fail. Ever since my life threatening ordeal, I've been thinking about this. After I had an incident at work recently I acted on my need to make my life better. I've gotten my financial aid, now all I need to do is get pick my classes with the help of an adviser, and go to orientation and them I'm a college student.

Well that's what I'm up to right now. I'll be stopping by to visit anyone still around like you Jeanette.

P.S. I love spellcheck :P