->Old<- people can be blunt!

LOL

I was at work this week and I was cashing a customers Social Security check, and she asked me how long i've been working at my job. So I tell her, "Eleven years, Since '98". The she goes on to say, "I figured as much, because when I first saw you, you hadn't lost your hair." So now because of another older person, I now want to either get hair restoration or a tupee. Or find a way to go completely bald. LMAO

The other customer, well I put on some weight over the years, and he noticed and called me fat.

Someday (Soon I hope)

You came to my job... it made me so happy...
Looking so beautiful in that white dress. We sat down on a bench outside and held hands. It felt so nice and so right. Never had this feeling before. This closeness, it felt so right and so nice. When I looked into your eyes I knew I just wanted to stay there forever. We cuddled and something felt wrong, like I was being pulled away. I didn't want to go, but I had no choice. It felt so real that day, and now I can't let go. I woke up from that dream and hurt a little, but at least it was a happy one. Someday I hope it just seems like a dream...

Love... the Miracle

Rule #4 Accept that there are things you can't control

Ever since the testicular cancer my eyes have been open to some things that over the years I've refused to accept, because I thought I was above them.

I thought I could continue to eat and drink all of my favorite junk foods without any repercussions.

I thought that i'd never get a serious illness or disorder of any kind.

I thought I could survive without letting others in.

I thought I'd never have to go see a doctor about anything.

Its funny, it when I went to see the movie "Knowing" with Nicholas Cage it was the catalyst that made me realize that I had about as much control over the growth in my right testicle, as I do with my involuntary bodily functions. Heck, there are times where I can barely put one foot in front of the other without tripping over them. At the end of that film it made me realize that everyone will die. My time can come a years from now, days from now, or even while i'm typing this post. When it happens I won't have no control of it. I may not even have time to accept it, so I guess I have to learn to accept that it will eventually come. I have to accept that there are some things I just can't control.

Sure we find ways to cope, like eating too much. Escaping the world by listening to music real loud. I once read an article about domestic violence that said that abusive men hit there women, because they have no control over there lives. I watched a man do this to my mom when I was a child and I couldn't do nothing to stop it, and in some sense even though it has stopped for nearly 15 years, I'm still paying for his mistakes. Its hard for me to let a woman into my life. I want to fall in love, its just sometimes i'm afraid that I will end up like him and abuse the love of my life. I wouldn't want to do that, I wouldn't want to be that. I would kill myself before I let it happen, but whose to say that I would even have control of it. I constantly have to remind myself that i'm not him and that I wasn't responsible for his actions. It wasn't my fault that he hit my mom and I couldn't protect her because I was only a child. I have to accept that I couldn't control there decisions. Her decision to stay with him, and his for beating on her.

Now if I can only eat those grapes instead of that cake.

I'm alright for the most part!

I just wanted to post and say that i'm fine!

I made it through the chemotherapy in one piece. I had a few side-effects. Most of it was indigestion. It felt like gas was going to burst out of my mouth. Then there was the toxic feeling. I mean I felt like a toxic waste dump. Only way I can explain it. Sometimes I would (still do) wake up with this weird taste in my mouth. I also had some nausea, and I would have threw up once...well at least I would have, if i had food in my stomach. I did go through the motion of throwing up, but I hadn't ate anything the night before. When I did eat I could only eat a little. Couldn't stomach more that bite fulls at a time. Funny thing was that I was really hungry. Then there was the lack of sleep. The first night I wasn't going to sleep because of these five blue pills that were given to me. Some kind of stimulant that could possibly have me bouncing off of the walls. Instead they kept me up all night. Didn't get any sleep for three days. I cried cause I was so tired and so weak. The fourth day after my chemo treatment, I called into work, because I was so tired, and because that was the day I puked up nothing. And this folks was from one dose of chemo. One potent dose yes, but one dose!

I remember one day I started out trying to walk to work and I made it to a bus stop as a bus was coming and I decided to catch it, because I felt winded. Then when walked to work from a bus stop that was maybe 1000 feet from my job I got winded again. When I walked inside I was so tired. I walked up to the service desk to say hi, and I ended up plopping my head on the counter top. I think my manager and her assistant both thought I walked to work from home, but I didn't at all that week.

As for the testicular cancer its gone, well at least thats what half of the test says (LOL). When my oncologist had a AFP test taken, he found that I had tested positive for both types of testicular cancer (Seminoma and Non-Seminoma). The tumor that was removed was seminoma. Yet after the surgery and these last few months, i've still been testing positive for the Non-Seminoma type. They don't know why I have that tumor marker in my blood, because I don't have any other tumors in my body from the looks of the Cat Scans and X-rays. I guess all they know is that its rare, and that my oncologist only have two patients with this condition. The doctor at Urology office told me that he only see one patient a year with this reading. I guess I was the one patient last year (LOL). My Urologists said that for whatever reason having that blood marker is normal for me.

I guess i'm fine for the most part. I won't lie. I'm a pretty much down right now. I bought Resident Evil Five for my Playstation 3, and I don't even feel like playing it. Heck the only thing I really feel like doing at all is playing club pogo, and chilling with my family. I missed out on alot, didn't see my cousins grow into young men and women. I Kind of regret that. I wish I could make up to them, especially since they gave me support during my bout with testicular cancer.

I'm sorry

Let me just say first that I'm sorry that I haven't posted and update in awhile. Its not that anything bad has happened to me, its just that I haven't felt like blogging. Not when I have to make an huge effort at it. Heck, I haven't even felt like watching TV, and I only saw tiny bits and pieces of the Super Bowl, so you know that something is wrong with me. Well I'm feeling down. Not depressed mind you, just feeling down. Some days where I want to just disappear and then there some days where I want to just cry.

Not just because of the surgery, but because of what it made me realize. I'm not as invincible as I may have perceived. You know how people think. They think they are on top of the world and there $h!t don't stink. Well I lost some of that years ago, but after the surgery I feel even more vulnerable. I used to think I was very healthy. Before the cancer, the most serious illness I had was the chicken pox at the age of 18. Now here I am wondering if the cancer will come back again. Alas I am but a mere mortal!!! Sucks...

Secondly I don't have to get radiation, but I DO have to get one 1 hour dose of chemo (carboplatin), on Friday February 6th. Let me emphasize that its only one dose, and its not that I need to (well I NEED TO personally), its that I want to, because it decreases the chances of cancer returning in any shape or form. Sure there are side-effects, and sure the treatment is worse than the disease, but in the long run my life is more important to me than temporary side-effects. Although the thought of having my blood count diminished is a little disturbing. Then theres that possibility of not having any children...um Yeah....

I decided not to bank any sperm though. I'm going to be blunt when I say this, but I wouldn't feel comfortable masterbating, especially in a public place where you are encouraged to do so with books... It would make me feel so uneasy. So I will just pray for a miracle. I can always adopt someday I guess. I'm sure there are alot of children out there who need parents, but still there is still that selfishness of wanting ones own. Which is why I don't understand how this one customer I had last year was talking down about how he wish he never had kids, because he have to pay child support. it really pissed me off. Then a month or so into my return to work I see him again, and he's complaining on a phone to someone because he can't go out with some woman, because she has kids and she can't find a babysitter. I heard him say, that she shouldn't have had kids. I had this pain in my abdomen that I get when I get stressed. But I wasn't stressed, I was extremely demoralized. I just don't understand how people who don't want kids can have them, and people like me who want kids and are about to go through or have gone through a painful, sorrowful procedure, that will possibly end our hopes of fathering children. I just don't understand that. Its just not fair. This is why I don't feel like blogging anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a break.

The "C" Word

I guess this is an update. I don't even know if i'm going to actually write a post to be honest. My mind hasn't really been into blogging lately. The only thing other than Pogo that has been occupying me is my bout with cancer. Yes the saga continues. I finally got the call from my doctor yesterday, after two and a half of weeks of waiting for him. I was supposed to only wait one and a half of a week. It's pretty annoying waiting like that. There was a lot of "what if's" stomping my brain waiting for the results, and when I finally got the results, I found out that waiting is the exact thing i'm going to have to continue doing.

Last week the doctors secretary called me and told me that I had to give them some more blood, because he forgot one test. So I had to go in last week and "donate". I hate needles!

This week I have to give some more blood. Friday I have to hope and pray that when I give up some more blood, the test show that the cancer in my blood has diminished. Because as of right now, there hasn't been any change. That's right folks, it hasn't gone up, and it hasn't gone down.

Sort of like my life!

Well at least i'm back at work. I have even been doing some walking. I walked a few times to or from work, but I have only walked to and from work once. It's not that I can't, because I think I can. It's just that my family doesn't want me to push it, even though the recovery time from the surgery is just two weeks. It's been nearly two whole months now. I feel fine, with the exception of some pain in a lymph node (which is slowly subsiding). I back at work tossing the bags with the plastic bags 30 feet in the air again, over that wall. I'm lifting those heavy plastic bags with the cans, out of the bins as well. So I definitely think I'm fine. My only problem is that test. Thats all bothers me.

I could tell you how all of these stupid cancer commercials are playing with my mind. You know like the one where they stick the camera down that person's lungs and show they have lung cancer and how most of the time when they catch it, it's already too late. There there's this commercial where this person imagines a doctor come in the room and tells him he has lung cancer, and then comes in and tells him he has heart disease, and a few other potentially fatal illnesses. I could also tell you how I saw this tickets.com com receipt in my till this afternoon for a ticket that was sold for a concert for this person to see a band called, "As I Lay Dying". I can tell you how all of those are affecting my Psyche right now, but I won't though. I will only say that when I got a booklet for choosing my health care proxy, it said on the front cover that this its for helping me til the end of my life. Can't tell you how much I cried when I saw that one.

Sometimes I just wonder if there IS a evil demon planting these things around me, just to break me. To make me give in and just accept my fate. I won't though! as long as theres a breath in me, I won't give up. I will go to every appointment I have, I will let them prick me with one thousand needles if need be. If I have to go through another surgery fine. Heck I will even go through chemotherapy HEAD HELD UP HIGH! But there is one thing I refuse to do, and thats kneel! Thats why I am walking to work, thats why I was pushing myself to get out of bed and sit in the living room with my dad the same day I had the surgery, and that is why i'm tossing those bags around. Its because I don't want to go easy on myself. I don't want to give in, not even a little.

I just had to vent, a little I know this may push some you away, because you don't know what to say. I understand though, I did the same thing. Even so I feel much better getting this off of my chest.

A real quick thought

I was reading the scrolling news on Good Morning America this morning and I saw that they plan on using the same bible that was used to swear Abraham Lincoln into his presidency. It occurred to me then that although Abraham Lincoln did do good by freeing the slaves, he was also assassinated.

Aren't we just tempting fate here a little. Obama is the first black President in the history of the United States, and like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. he is making history. It just seem like a bad omen. Is it me or does anyone else feel the same way???