Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Better Place!

I have been battling with mental illness my whole life. I have been in an out of therapy, and I even went to emergency once because of a panic attack. I have posted things about how I feel and a few people suggested that I get some help. Well guess what I have done just that.

 It's the reason why I was able to go and sign up with Planet Fitness. It's the reason why I lost so much weight, and it's the reason why I am starting to be able to step outside my comfort zone. Granted it is NOT easy, and I do have moments where I slip, but I get right up on that saddle and keep on riding. I have been reading a book about cognitive thinking at the behest of my therapist, and I really think its helping me. Maybe I will get into more detail about it some other time. I have been talking to people more, sharing my feelings and even asking women out (although I have been turned down LOL). Also I have applied for an assistant manager position at work that I was more than qualified for, but that is a story for another time too. In any case something else opened up and I finally got full-time and a raise at a different location. Basically the same thing that I am doing now, but better benefits (sweet :). Also less responsibility than that assistant manager position too! 

Now I am focused on trying to find who "Charles" is. I always agreed when my opinions differed with others, I never spoke up when people put me down, and I always doubted myself when I wanted something better for my life. I feel so much better! I don't feel so lost and alone anymore. I can honestly say that although I still want to find the love of my life, I am content to be on my own now. I feel hope for the first time ever, and I'm going to get a car! Hehehe. If their is anyone reading this trust me! Believe in yourself. If you don't believe in anything else believe in you! DON'T let anyone ever put you down, because if they try, than you are better them! I know it's cliche, but if I can do it so can you. :-)

Friday, August 29, 2014

Poem I wrote as I was walking home from work. (Can't think of a name for it)

I make a mistake

A memory of a similar situation enters my thoughts.

It fragments

Latches onto other mistakes

Failures and disappointments

All of which continue to plague me

In chains

One by one

They line up and smack me in the face

Freeze my body encased

in a fit of fear

That is like ice

Become so cold

Unlike

The person I would like to be

Will someone or something release me

Please

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

Lost my fatty cakes

I don't know how it really started. One day I was playing video games, and I ate, and ate and ate. I'd sit in my room for hours on end entertaining myself in the fantasy world. All that time I wasn't paying any attention to myself, until one day I noticed I had gotten a bit of a belly. When I realized what was happening I told myself that I would work out and lift my weights again. A day goes by, then a week, and then a month...a year. I kept sitting on my behind playing video games because I wanted to escape the harsh realities of this world. For a time it worked, but reality started creeping in and it wasn't to subtle anymore.

I started noticing that it became harder for me to breathe. The swelling in my ankles became more severe, and I started getting venous stasis ulcers. Also I felt like I was dragging the day instead of living in it. I was always tired and I didn't like it. Literally when I woke up I felt like I was undead and I hadn't put two and two together. I hadn't really even noticed how fat I became until one day some kids on a school bus yelled, "Hey look at the fat man haha". Then a gentleman outside stuck for me and told them to respect they're elders. That day it all hit me at once. I go into more detail about the why in my next post. Lets just say it was life or death reasoning for now.

I was asked what it was I wanted to do with my life. To forget everything scary out in the real world and think what it was I wanted to do that wouldn't be to scary. First thing that came to my mind was the gym. So I signed up with Planet Fitness and started walking on the treadmill. At first it was difficult. I set a lofty goal to stay on the treadmill for an hour. It didn't matter how fast I was walking just as long as I lasted the whole hour. I kept thinking to myself that I want to give up and that this was pointless. That I will never lose the weight, and that I will never feel better. However I came back the next day, and the next, and kept coming. Heck I even walked from my house to the gym for extra exercise. I remember some of my co-workers and even customers telling me to take it easy. LOL you don't want to tell me that because I am the exact opposite of most people. I kind of take offense to it and it becomes a challenge. So I walked back home from the gym the same day just to prove to myself and them that I could do it.

In the first week I lost five pounds. I felt better and I had more energy. I didn't notice a change physically yet but I felt it. Six months go by and I lost twenty pounds. I noticed my face and stomach getting thinner. I even did my first selfie lol. I made it my goal to get down to 185 pounds by June of 2013. But something had happened though that distracted me. If you look at my profile pic of me in the blue shirt and tie it kind of says it all. I said I would never where dress clothes unless I was going to a funeral. My Grandad had passed away in January 2013. Kind of felt down and I stopped going to the gym for a bit. Had regrets of not spending more time with him. When I was a child I saw him more than my dad. My heart wasn't really in it for awhile but I realized that it was his time and he is at peace.

Right now as it stands I weigh 191 pounds, which down from 240. I have lost 49 pounds and I feel great. I feel tired when I wake up in the morning, but I don't feel dead tired :). I am walking fast Like I used to when I was in my teens and twenties again. Heck I feel like I can take on younger kids one on one in basketball. LOL I feel great, and I got the proof!






Famous quote: "If I can do it, you can too!"

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Getting it Done the LONG way 'Round!

Around this time last year I bought my current laptop, a Samsung. It came with Windows 8, and from the start me and this laptop just didn't get a long. The start menu isn't really a start menu. It's more like my android phone that has a ton of apps. It took me awhile to figure out how to even shut this thing off. I mean who wants to point their mouse to the corner of a screen till a sidebar slides out (not me). Their are a lot of things that I don't like about this new Windows, but when it updated to Windows 8.1 things got worse.

The first thing that happened to me was a doozy. I don't know if it was a coincidence or because of the update, but I started getting a warning that "blue screen" occurred on my computer. I didn't think nothing of it at first because nothing seemed any different. Then it started happening more frequent, and then my computer crashed. Turned out it was the motherboard. It burned out and I had to send it out for repairs. When I got my computer back I was so happy and I though things were looking up.

 (Before motherboard crash)

I also have a Samsung Galaxy S3 android phone, and I had been anticipating the update of its software called Jellybean. My phone had the update of Jellybean 4.1.2 and I heard 4.3 was out, so I stupidly installed Samsung's program Kies Air to update it. It told me that an update was available, but It wasn't an update for my phone, and I totally wiped every app and every song on it. It was kind of like a system restore. I pressed the wrong button out of elation, without reading I guess.  When I saw my phone was still at 4.1.2 after the "update", I was angry at myself. So I began re-installing everything on my phone again including my music. Everything was fine except one song, and the only reason I noticed is because I love this song. Amel Larrieux's song called "Weather". My "inner light was gray" that day, and so I went to play it and it worked for the first 20 seconds of the song and then it skipped to the next song. I was so livid because it meant I had to go and upload the song to my phone again. I was in my "if it isn't one thing" mode and I forgot about it until after my computer crashed.

(After motherboard crash)

LOL so when I remembered I went to upload the song to my phone. The files I had ripped to my laptop aren't compatible with it. My phone only accepts MP3 files and I had WMA. So I decided that I would delete the Windows Media Audio files and replace them with MP3's when I went to rip my music again, I got an error message telling me that, "Rip settings for windows media player cannot be changed". I tried to fix it and I even googled  for instructions on how to fix the problem but couldn't find the answer so I gave up. I deleted all of my music for nothing (Grrr...)

Fast forward to yesterday and I decided that I wanted to make a ringtone on my phone from The Weather song again (at least that's what I thought) By now I had gave in and used my PC downstairs that's corrupted by spy ware thanks to family (thanx). I got the MP3s off of it but it turned out that the file that I got Amel Larriuex's "Weather" was also corrupted on that PC. I was batting zero. So as I said yesterday I wanted to make a ringtone. So I googled again for help and I saw someone had said that their was an error in Windows 8 that caused your username to be missing in certain files. So stupid me thinking I was SOOOO smart went into my administrator profile and changed my username, then I went back to my user profile, and windows glitched and created a temporary profile for me. It wouldn't give me access to my profile because I changed the username, and it was searching for the previous one. I tried to go back and fix the problem by changing the username back to what it was but I forgot what it was named (cini_00...something). I didn't create that, it was created when I was forced to use my email address for my Microsoft account. I had to create one so I could take full advantage of Windows 8 (grrr...).

So in the end I had no choice (or at least I thought) but to do a system restore. The last point of the restore was on the day I got my computer (2/03/13). So I lost everything, even though all I had to do was delete the profile. I was so angry that my emotions clouded my logic and I acted on emotion. So now I have a new profile without the Microsoft account (thank goodness) and Windows Media Player can rip Cd's as MP3's (YEAH). I upload Amel Larrieux's album "Infinite Possibilities" to my phone (even better). Then I go to create a ringtone from "Weather". I get angry because I realize... It was the wrong song. LOL It was scat from "Searching For My Soul" that I wanted. The part where she says leave that alone. I went through all of that over the course of seven months for the wrong song. That sums up me in a nutshell.

Monday, August 05, 2013

T-9

Meme:  With your android or iphone use the t-9 trace to randomly draw a pattern and see what word you come up with and then post it on your Facebook page or blog.

My word is: vanQuish

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Is it live, or is it memorex?

It had been a long while since I had a nightmare, at least one that I can remember. The last one that I remember was frightening because in the dream I saw fire on my ceiling and when I opened my eyes I could see it there still. Eventually it went away, and I had plenty of theories on what could have caused it. A ghost, a demon, overworked senses from playing video games too long, or a very active and creative imagination. I don't have a clue what caused it, but I still get chills when I think about that nightmare.

I have this ability to sense someone within my personal space when I'm not looking in the direction. Kind of like when I have my head down. It's not as good as it was when I was younger but I still can sense people for the most part. I'm sure their are others out there like me who can feel when someone is approaching them. I have a co-worker with the same ability. Call it a sense of awareness, call it self-preservation (call it whatever). If it wasn't for it, I would have walked into countless people by now (LOL).

Seriously though, last week I fell asleep and I can't say that this was a nightmare per say. I was sleep, and I felt this presence in my sleep. I felt it at the head of my bed. I opened my eyes in my sleep and I leaned my head back to look and I saw a shadow that wasn't a shadow. It was a person wearing a hat. He literally had NO detail. It was dark and he was darker than the darkness in my room. I couldn't make out anything noticeable but the hat on his head. I was frozen and I couldn't move, but eventually I really did wake up. When I did I opened my eyes for real and it was still there looking at me. I could feel it looking down at me. I was frightened, too frightened to even scream. So I stopped looking and closed my eyes hoping it wasn't real and eventually it disappeared. Just like the flaming vision nightmare, this dream that didn't feel like a dream at all gave and still gives me the creeps thinking about it. The weird thing about it though, I was able to blow it off and go back to sleep. Maybe it was because I was tired (who knows). I don't know if their are truly any supernatural phenomenon out there, I don't know if the human mind is really capable of creating complicated and horrible visions based on our fears and experiences. I do know that what I felt, felt real enough to make me want to sleep with the lights on tonight though.