From my stomach to yours!

I know that I have been making promises over the years that I wouldn't drink soda. Well, back in early December I started weening myself off of the sparkling goodness. Instead of buying two liters for a dollar, I'd settle for one or two 20 ounce bottles for $1.80. I know, I know your wondering why I paid for two little bottles at four bucks, when I could have just bought one big one for a $1.25. There is a method to my madness. If I had bought the two liter, most likely I would have drunken half of it when I got home and the rest the next day. I've done this countless times. So I decided that I would buy the little bottles to prevent myself from going on a binge of drinking. And every now and then I'd throw in a Snapple or a juice as my second drink. There see, I told you I had a method :).

Well last Saturday when I got off work at 10:30pm , I came home and I was going to bake a pot pie for dinner. I didn't get home until after eleven, and I had to be in at work at nine in the morning. I put the pot pie in the oven hoping it would bake, because the oven works when it wants to apparently. Unfortunately this was a night it took a break. I sat downstairs until midnight begging it cook my dinner, but it refused LOL. So I turned it off, placed my pot pie in the freezer and went to bed.

Here's where this gets a little "TMI"

That night I fell asleep, and an hour later I woke up. I wondered why at first, but then I realized that I had to "run" for the bathroom. Yeah that's right I said it. I sat on the toilet for a good thirty minutes, and spewed nothing but water (gross). When I was done I went up stairs and tried to go back to sleep. Half an hour later I had to run back. Eventually it became a re-occurring scene. I was wondering why this was happening to me all night. Then I remembered the same thing happened to me when I couldn't eat when I had chemo. I have gone nights before without eating, and this never occurred. There was one thing both occurrences had in common. I hadn't drunk soda in awhile. My body was getting rid of all of the toxins left behind from drinking soda for so long. I also lost 11 pounds in that one night. (Down to 228, from 239)

I feel much better now. While I feel tired, I don't feel dead tired like before. I felt like I was dragging the days instead of the other way around. I felt bloated, fat and uncomfortable. Now I feel much better. Also I'm reducing how much junk food I'm eating as well. Instead of buying cookies and Little Debbie snacks at work, I've been buying bananas, little bag of chips and fruit cups. also I joined Planet Fitness, because I want to get back in to shape. More on that in a future blog post. though. So if you are thinking about quitting soda, hopefully this will motivate you to do so. Much Love!!!

Trying to Live

Gosh, I remember I started blogging in may of 2005 on the now defunct AOL Journals. I had a fun time meeting people through there blogs and sharing my life stories with them. Not many of them are left, and to be honest I miss them. Wish I found another way to keep in touch.

Nothing really has changed with me as of late. I am trying to interact with people more in the real world. It's quite hard for me to even say "Hi" to someone. With that said when I am at work I tend to sit with people at a table on break now. I used to just sit at a table alone, because I felt like no one would want to sit with me. Finding out now that, it isn't the case. I isolated myself out of fear, and now it's the fear that I want isolated.

Still playing a lot of Call of Duty. I finally gave in and bought a XBOX 360. I play Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 multiplayer. I'm decent at it. At least I have a positive K/D ratio. The only reason I got the XBOX, was so I could play with my co-workers. I have fun doing that, because they are good people, and they have a very good sense of humor. If anyone ever wants to join me in a party let me know, and I'll give you my gamertags.

Lately, I've been thinking that I haven't lived my life to the fullest. Stayed home away from the chaos of this world and missed out on my youth. I still haven't even gotten my first car yet! I plan on doing this, and I plan on going to Canada to see the Niagara Falls. I know their is also an American side, but I want to go to Canada. Never been to another country before. Want to experience this once in my life. This so called life has seen it's share of pain, but wants to grasp on to happiness now it that's okay with the invisible pain givers. Sometimes I wonder if I am given pain, and sorrow just to torment me, or so it can keep me grounded.  Because anytime I did something good, I always had something equally bad that followed me. You saved a woman from dying by call 911 and giving instructions over the phone...good. Oops now I give you cancer deal with it. You caught a shoplifter excellent. Now I expose your anxiety, and let people exploit it and keep you in fear. Yeah that happened to me. I didn't want to fight back so I tried to avoid it and hope it went away. It didn't, but maybe I'll save this for another day...

Like I said I want to live my life. I don't know how much longer I have here so I want to live. If there is anyone out there like me, who keeps things bottle up, Don't!!! Learn to express your feeling in some way, because if you don't you may miss out on a miracle. Something relevant to you happiness can be right there in front of you, and all you have to do is listen to your heart. I know this because my heart is speaking in volumes, but I keep it bottled up. Trying SO hard to change that right now! LOL their is this young lady I like. I told her how I felt. She rejected me and it hurt, but at least I tried this time. Live life to it's fullest. Don't let petty differences in skin color, moral opinions, and status dictate or control your life. Just don't!

If that is love...

I know some women like the bad guys. Like how they say rebellious things, and in some cases say some mean things to them. Okay I know it's kind of like rugged affection, but sometimes it can become something worse.

Today I was at work. This young couple comes in, and wants to pick up money via Western Union. At first I pay them no mind. Then I here the young man start saying, that the girl isn't treating him right. He says that he's not getting any attention, and that if she doesn't start acting right he will kick her out. She is crying, and he's still berating her. Threatening to kick her out and send her back to her parents house. These are freaking teenagers. The boy seemed immature. It got to the point where I wanted to punch him in his face. Oddly enough the money she got was in her name. Then he asked her to buy him some cigarettes in front of me. I flat out told her that he needs to show me his ID. He pulls out a Benefit card, and I told him flat out that it's not valid ID. Dude throws a freaking temper tantrum Like a kid and runs out the store. He has some issues that I would have been happy to "fix"! As the young lady was leaving I told her that she can do better. I couldn't stand to see her in tears. NO woman deserves to be treated like that. If it were up to me I would have kept her at the store and had her call her parents, because eventually I think the verbal will turn into physical abuse too. That boy has some growing up to do, he has no business being with anyone. I wish I could have done more to help her. I was at least happy I didn't have to sell the jerk any cigarettes. ;)

Expression of Words

Words
Are a common everyday occurrence
Not all words have a special meaning
My words inescapable words
Hurt so much
Not because they are hurtful

I want to share

Something so simple
A Hello
makes me cringe on the inside.
A simple goodbye
makes me want to cry
Laying in my bed
this is what I think about almost every night.

Expressing in words

Escaping Reality

Yeah, it's been awhile...Again!

I haven't posted, I won't give any excuses, as I don't have any really. I've been spending my free time playing video games as of late. Not that I don't have anything better to do, because I have tons of stuff better to do. Lately, I've just been having a hard time dealing with reality. Instead of facing the struggles I've been having with myself, and low self-esteem. I've been just coming home, and staying hidden within my home. Mainly within the dark confines of my bedroom.


Work, Home, Sleep, with video gaming thrown somewhere in between. To be honest, I have a difficult time in the "real world". Social situations, life in the ghetto, No friends to speak of really. I even recently pushed some family members away, because of my battle with anxiety. The only real thing I have been enjoying is video gaming. And its not so real is it?

While I'm sitting here righting, I'm debating on whether or not to even publish this.

So many emotions, so many disappointments, and so many fears. The real reason I didn't want to post anything, is because of what I had to post...this.

Will I click "Publish Post"?

This one is for Trish

Sorry Trish I've been away for awhile. I know I said that I was going to blog consistently, but I had to get ready for my math course for the spring semester at the college I'm attending. Also I'm not the only one using the computer. My nephew, and my sisters are on it regularly too. I plan on getting a Laptop soon so hopefully I can blog whenever I feel like it :). Then again I also will have to pry myself from Call Of Duty: Black Ops. I've been obsessed with that game ever since I bought it. The online multi-player is awesome, aside from other players telling me I suck, or using bad language and racial slurs.

Normally I do my taxes on my own with the simple forms because well...my life is simple, but not this year. Hook me up with calculator and pen and no problem, but I sold some of my savings bonds, and I needed a little help. One exception though, I had my taxes done last year by this free tax service called C.A.S.H. I was going to do the same this year but I didn't qualify, because I sold said bonds. There was no way in H. E. Double Hockey Sticks (did I just type that???) I was going to some tax business and be charged $300 to do my taxes!!! I had felt so overwhelmed, because of it I kind of took it out on my mother when she said she would help me. Sorry about that mom, I didn't mean to. Love you (Hugs). I ended up buying Turbo Tax yesterday. Froze my A Double Snakes (yep I said it) at the busstop in waiting for the bus for like a half an hour. My furging feet (heh) were hurting so, but its okay, because in the end Turbo Tax was worth it. I got my taxes done and E-Filed, and I will have my Federal Taxes with eight days. Plus I also was able to finish my Financial Aid now that I got my taxes done. Now all I have to worry about is passing that Dang math course. Wish me luck

"This blog has been edited for explicit content." heh

Just when you think...

I went to my urologists office the other day, and it was supposed to be my last visit for a year. I was supposed to hear that, correction...I wanted to hear that everything is alright. I wanted to hear the words that I don't have to have another CT scan for a year. Instead I was told that they found an abnormality on my chest CT. He wanted me to get another CT scan in three months, but stupidly I agreed with the doctor and told him that I had not been feeling well at the time of the scan. He said I may have had a pneumonia. He moved it up to six months. Now I'm playing the waiting game again. My mother told me not to worry and not to stress, but I'm not so sure I can. I don't know if a pneumonia can last weeks, I do know that my chest hurts on the left side. It feels better than before, but it feels kind of heavy, and it hurts when I breathe. I'm not as stressed as I am scared. Its kind of ironic that now I desperately want a CT scan..