Friday, March 30, 2007

There is NO half!

When your buying something to eat, do you want to eat the whole thing, or are you gonna only eat half?

Did someone cut them in half?

My half is Bigger than your half!

Maybe those really have nothing to do with this post, but after you read this, maybe you'll understand where I am coming from.

Sharing is a good thing right. "Give half of it to your brother". OK fine I can accept that. What I can't accept is being called a "half brother".

When my brother used to work at the same place I'm at, there was this girl (a co-worker) that came up to the desk and asked if we were related. I told her yeah, that he is my brother. She then tells me that she didn't believe him, and that we don't look alike. Then she asks me if we are "half brothers". I thought about what she said for a moment, and I told her that I wasn't going to answer her question. She gets frustrated and she asks me why I won't? I think she said asked me if we were half brothers a couple more times before I said I won't won't answer your question the way you asked it. Finally she clued in on what I meant and asked me if we had different fathers.

I told her yeah, but he isn't my half brother. Yes it's true my brother and I have different fathers. I've known Jevon all of his life. I watched him grow up from a baby. I heard him cry when he had colic. I felt sorrow for him, when he had swallowed some boric acid and had to be rushed to the hospital. I was there when he had surgery on his wrist. I have spent time with my brother and watched him grow up into the young independent strong man that he is today. Twenty-one years of his life, and only once him and I ever argued...ONE time.

I love my brother with all of my heart, not half of it. So if there is someone out there that don't understand why I hate the term "half brother", then they must not be close to their's.

Blood is thicker than water.
I will always have my brother.
Half the time I can rely on my friends.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


(Insanely panting)


Amel Larrieux has a new Album coming out on May 22nd. Caught me totally off guard in a good way!

Oh Yeah!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Am I Blunt?

Recently it was brought to my attention that I can be blunt. I always thought I was shy and timid. When I say stuff, I usually bow down and agree to whatever somebody else is saying. But this kid at work told me that he that he likes that I say what I feel. Because I guess I wasn't feeling good, and I told him that I didn't feel like talking to anyone at the time. I told him, that, "I'm not blunt". Then I got the response of, "Yes you are Charles". He left me thinking about it.

Absorbing It!

Then Finally I came to the conclusion he was wrong. Then the week after...

Why does everything seem to happen to me at the laundromat?

I had an epiphany there. A woman came to the laundromat, to bring some magazines about her faith. She said hi to me and asked me if I would like to read one. I was sitting there in my own little world I guess and somehow I managed a response.

One word


There was no conversation afterwards. I merely continued playing a video game (or maybe being brainwashed by it), while I was in my little world.

Then it hit me, "_____ is right, I guess I am kind of blunt". I never saw it I guess. Knowing oneself is harder than knowing someone else.

Hmmm, I wonder if I am a ass too?

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Rule #2: Express Yourself!

Now that I think about it, all of these rules are going to be tough.

I always hold back how I truly feel. Never expressing what I really think, while I put my head down. It may be a good thing when I am at work when I deal with customers, but it's not good when it comes to my personal/social existence. I just bottle things up and and just say Amen. When the truth is, I would rather Agree to Disagree.

If my vision of how the world looks differs from another person's, shouldn't it be my right as a living, breathing, human being to voice my opinion.

For example, there was that time when my Step-mom and my Dad were arguing over scrabble. They were arguing about a word being miss-spelled. I got frustrated and I was about to get out of my chair to go to my room, but my dad yelled at me and told me to sit down. I wanted to tell them to stop, that it was just a game, but I just sat there and dealt with it. I wondered if my dad even remembered that when I was younger, I witness my mom's former boyfriend beating her.

I always put other peoples feelings first, before mines. NO More!

I have to lift my head up and look into that person or persons eyes and say what I think PROUDLY!

I'm going to say what I feel, and if they disagree, than we can agree to disagree and leave it at that.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Bottled Up

I have been on an emotional roller-coaster of messy proportions. I have been high, I have been low, I went left than right, and then smack dab in the middle. The darkness I felt has dulled, but even so it's still there. I can still feel it as if it were gnawing at my soul in and ever so lovingly way, as if it were a cat trying it's best to "pet" me. The sad thing is that it doesn't know anything about "petting". It so desperately wants to come out and take over me, but I have managed to keep it at bay. The last time I gave in, I ended up hurting my wrist pretty badly by punching the propane cabinet in front of work. My hand hasn't been the same since. I remember the anger, and the negative thoughts I had at that time. I wanted everyone that angered me to be hurt in some way. Blogging at the time was a release valve. It worked somewhat, but it didn't stop me when I was away from my computer.

Recently that anger came back, and the littlest things have been activating the darkness. I'd like to believe that I have become stronger than I was a year ago. Then again, we all know what happens when we bottle things up. Just like when we shake a carbonated beverage and open it up, we can BLOW UP and nine times out of ten no one will see it coming. My hand is on the cork, but the pressure seems to be too strong. My eyes are closed because I am afraid to face "myself" (or my darker self, whatever you want to call it). It's not like I have a split personality or anything like that. I am fully aware of my Faculties, I'm just not sure of how to control them. I have to remember that kindness kills hate. I started being kinder last year and I think it also helped.


I had been debating the reasons for the combustible feelings I have had recently, and in the past. I have come to the conclusion that it's my job that is doing this to me. The logical solution to remedy this situation is to remove myself from what is causing me to have a myriad amount of emotions. Hence forth, I am looking for a new job.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Expression of Feeling

Words Over Time

I can't remember the last time I seen you
I can't remember the last words we said
Words between us seem to have always been far and between
Like my childhood
Words, any words I wanted from you
Where were you when I needed you
Once and awhile wasn't enough
I grew up feeling alone
Puzzled, and you still have the pieces
Wondered if you loved me
Wondered if you REALLY loved me
Wondered if I was a Burden
"I Miss You"
Remember that
I still search for those questions
The child in me still misses you
But the words, won't come out
There being held back
Are the words being held back in you too?

Accept ME!

You don't know how I feel
I really do care
I may seem cold to you
but looks can be deceiving
I have just felt so used many times
friendships just seem to be in disguise
Acceptance is one thing I need
Changing me is the last thing I want
There aren't many people out there who genuinely care
Are you one of them?
I don't need a weekend friend
I need a Real friend

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Lingering Book

I have been reading books now more than ever. For some reason, I have been feeling it more now than before. Maybe it's because I have been looking for something different. Who Knows, as long as I enjoy it, it shouldn't be an issue. The last two books were sci-fi adventure types. I don't know what category this new book I am reading falls under, but while I was on break at work, I decided to check out the books in the magazine aisle.

How does one pick a book? I think that is an interesting and valid question, because I sat there in the aisle for 7 out of the 15 minutes I had during my break trying to answer that question. Then I noticed a bright yellow book staring at me out of the corner of my eye. Then I looked at the title. Ironically, the title of the book is a phrase that I used to use in frustration, while I was at work on one of those "Bad everything that can go wrong and does" Kind of days. I had one of those last night by the way. The title of the book.

I picked it up, and I turned it over and like I did with Decipher, I read the premise on the back.
"What if your only fear was a lingering death? What if someone guaranteed to never let it happen, no matter what? Then what if you changed your mind?

It caught my attention, and then it made me think. What WOULD I do if I was in that situation. What would YOU do? I thought about that for awhile. I thought, "What if I became a father and I was going to slowly die from some wretched disease, would I give in, or would I fight to see my child's Graduation, or marriage? What if I found out right now that I have months to live, and my dream was within my grasp?

What Then?

If two Death Angels Approached me and told me that they would never let me suffer one single iota no matter what, I don't think I could agree to that. Sure I would suffer, but at least I wouldn't miss some of the greatest moments in my life. At least there would be laughter and smiles. I'd like to think that would be worth while.

If you haven't noticed, I have been in a bad place as of late, so you may read some negative and dark things here. Even my dreams have been kind of dark, and this book affected the last dream I had. I haven't felt that humorous Charles in awhile. I kind of miss him.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

What are we saving?

Do you ever wonder if you are guinea pigs to the government. They move Daylight Savings Time up earlier from the first Sunday in April to Tomorrow March 11th. Normally I open the desk at Seven, after I get off of work at 9:30 at night. However this year I am lucky that I am closing the desk. I would have lost an hour of sleep because of DST. On top of that it takes me an hour to unwind after I get home a half an hour later from walking from work. I read somewhere that they did this as a test run. Are they trying to see how we react to losing an hour of sleep, or is it to see how fast we can recover ourselves when we are thrown a curve ball.

Either way, I just wanted to let as many people I know to set your clocks an hour ahead. Just in case you are in the same situation as me, and you have to work too.

"Spring Forward"

Update: I meant that DST is on March 11th. I'm sorry for the confusion, and it has been corrected.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Feline Friday: Will You turn Off The Light.

Can you imagine a cat that forces his way upstairs and lies on your bed, and visually let you know that you should turn the light off because it's bothering him. I didn't think it was possible, but Bouk seems to act more like a human than a cat. I still can't seem to catch Jet with the tip of his tail towards his head. When I do I will post it. I wish I could have gotten a better picture of this, but I didn't have a camera at the time, so I used my phone.

If you have a cat and you want to participate in Feline Friday, Click Here

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Sniff, Sniff

I'm feelin' sort of blue.

December 7, 2005, I'd like to think my life was changed for the better. Four pounds and nine ounces of joy, but I was scared at first to hold him. I was scared that I would drop him or hurt him in some way but eventually I got over it. The first six months, I was so scared. I worried about sudden infant death syndrome. He also had trouble breathing, so I worried about that too. It seemed like I worried too much because he was a fighter. In fact in some of the pictures I have, his hands were balled up in fists. I remember how I took so many pictures it made his mother jealous and kind of upset at me. He is my first nephew and he means so much to me, and I just love the little guy.

Now he is 15 months and a busy body. At first I wasn't sure that he liked me. I mean everything I did seemed to be wrong. When I bought him the Tickle Me Elmo Extreme, he cried because he was afraid of it while it was moving and talking. When I came into the room he would kind of play with me, but if someone else came in also he would go to them. For example, he would go to his Grandma (All kids love there grandmas), and then when his uncle Jevon came over, I felt left out too.

Recently though him and I started playing a lot more and became closer. We'd throw the ball back and forth to each other. I'd pick him up and let him play with the magnets on the fridge, much to everyone else's objections. He finally stopped being scared of the TMX so I would watch him play with that. I also spun him around until he got dizzy. I remember after I put him down he'd started spinning himself around, it was kind of cute seeing him fall to the floor from being dizzy. Sunday I tried to teach him to jump from the floor, but he isn't confident enough to do that yet, so instead my nephew would just stomp one foot onto the floor. It had my brother and I cracking up. We had so much fun, but when it was time for me to end the fun because of fatigue from working, my nephew would get sad to see me go upstairs to my room. He would cry for me, and it would make me sad and break my heart.

This week I made an exception when he cried for me, and I stayed downstairs and played with him.
Although at one point I felt so tired, I ended up lying on the couch, and he ended up walking all over me.

I stayed down there because my sister has been trying so very hard to get her place, and she finally has. This week she started moving her things to her place, and you know what that means...

I won't be able to see my Jalani as much as I used to, so this made ME cry (I guess that can be considered my most recent cry then). They left a little over 30 minutes ago and I miss him already. I didn't even get a picture for this moment.

I'll miss the infectious smiles everyday to greet me.

I'll miss the running up to my legs and sticking hands up to ask me to pick him up.

I'll miss the running around the house chasing the cats to pet them.

I'll miss the curiosity he exudes just about every minute of every hour of every day.

I'll miss watching him grow up like I did during his first year. He was so tiny, and now he is getting so big. I'm proud of him, and happy to be his uncle.

I miss you Jalani.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

This one's for you Shari

Shari Tagged me, and I was more than happy to do this m... oh yeah Jeff I almost forgot you hate that word. LOL

1. First Name? Charles
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Gosh, I can’t remember that’s a good thing right?
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? NO…I can’t even read it. It’s decent if I go slow.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Pork bologna. I can’t live without my pork.
6. KIDS? Someday, I hope.
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I’d like to think so, after all, I’m a pretty nice guy. Be my frieeennnddd
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? You mean this thing I am writing on???
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM? I think I just did!!!
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? If you mean those things in the back of my throat then, Yes.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Heck no, you can’t even get me on a airplane.
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No, the united stink would be too much for me. LOL
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Everyone has strength and weaknesses. I’m stronger than I used to be.
16. SHOE SIZE? 12 ½ to 13
17. RED OR PINK? Definitely RED!
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOUR SELF? Lack of confidence in myself (me too)
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Myself during my childhood. I was so much more confident and independent then.
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO DO THIS? Everyone, do you want me to, want you to do this??!!??
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Right now I am in hibernation mode, so I am in all black pajamas. Hey you asked?
22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Honey roasted peanuts. I am still not eating sweets (go me, go me)
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The blowing of our heater.
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Depends on my mood. Blue (peaceful), and red is struggle (Hint, Hint).
25. FAVORITE SMELLS? I like anything that brightens my day and wakes me up..
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My co-worker Shannon. I called her to ask her if she saw my glasses. I lost them. Lucky she found them.
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? It depends on what is attractive about them.
29. FAVORITE DRINK? Well it used to be Cherry Coke, but now that I am not drinking soda anymore, its grape juice.
31. EYE COLOR? Brown
32. HAT SIZE? Who gets there head measured?
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, because I would struggle to get them on.
34. FAVORITE FOOD? Macaroni and Cheese.
36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATER? The Lakeshore…I love Sandra Bullock, and now she has another movie coming out. Damn her..LOL
37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black, hello who makes these. Read up above.
38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Fall or spring (me too) (me too too)
39 . HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs and kisses!
40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cheesecake
41.WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? No one, because I am not emailing this or tagging anyone (you are all safe….For now Bwahahahahah.
43. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? PREY, by Michael Crichton
44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? The same color as my shirt.
46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? I love Music Too
47. ROLLING STONES or BEATLES? B4 Way before my time.
48. there was no question for 48 on this survey. There always seem to be that one missing question.
49. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? I'm not talented. Not in a good way.
50. Where and when were you born? 1975, and if I told you where, you’d get confused.