Reflections (from mirrors and the heart)

It's amazing how you plan on doing something, and then you do a complete 180 degree turn in the other direction.

I originally planned on doing an entry on our cat Jet, but I started reading other journals and I changed my mind.

I had to write about how I am feeling write now, because I don't want to leave it inside of me and let it consume my heart like I have done so many times throughout my childhood.

There are two things on my mind that I have to get out.

First!

I just read a post on Jodi's journal called Mirror about how she felt afraid to look in the mirror. I think that this is a beautiful entry, but for some reason I just couldn't post a comment to let her know what I thought. It's just sometimes I feel scared that I might say something wrong, and hurt a persons feelings, which I can also tie back to a entry that Patrick did on comments. Why do I get like this, I can relate to what Jodi says, because I don't feel good about my looks, but I hold back what I feel! I tend to do this a lot, and let me tell you holding back how you feel can really suck sometimes.

Second!

I know a lot of you guys out there think that I am a nice person, but sometimes I don't think so. Last year, my family on my dad's side of the gene pool threw a surprise party for my aunt Dorothy. I was closer to my family on my dad's side of the family when I was a child, but as I grew up, we seemed to have grown apart (or to put it precisely, I drifted from them). My aunt Linda called and asked me to come to the party, I agreed, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to go, because at the time I was suspended from work and my brother Jevon and my sister Chandra were hit with a big problem, which also affected my life, and because it also involved something from my past. I Also didn't want to go because the party was at 11am, and I had to be to work at 3:30pm. She told me that I could still come and that someone would take me to work when the time came. I was just down, and I didn't want to go, because I was afraid that I would bring everyone else at the party down. So the day of the party my cousin Ta-Ta-Tanisha called my cell-phone and I just let it ring. She called two more times and left voicemail messages. I just laid in my bed staring at my ceiling. Not only that, but even before this I didn't want to go and see them. I didn't feel like I fit in. Everyone on my Dad's side of the family are Very spiritual. They keep trying to get to me to go to church, and in my Dad's case to the Kingdom Hall, but I choose not to, because I always feel like I am being pressured. When I was a kid I went to church with my aunts and cousins, and when I came back my dad got upset with me (although he didn't show it) and told me not to ever go there again. He had me go to the Kingdom Hall every time that I stayed over with him, or when I lived with him those two short times. I felt like I was in the middle of something, I felt trapped so I got out of there and I ended up distancing myself from everyone. It's all my fault, because I never tell them how I feel! I just bottle it up and keep it to myself and not say a word, and now its come to this. I am scared to call any of them, because I didn't go to the party. I love them all, but it's just so hard for me to say, "I LOVE YOU"! I know part of the reason stems from my childhood, but I haven't grasped the entire reason, I can't find the rest of the pieces to the puzzle.