Thursday, January 19, 2006

Reflections (from mirrors and the heart)

It's amazing how you plan on doing something, and then you do a complete 180 degree turn in the other direction.

I originally planned on doing an entry on our cat Jet, but I started reading other journals and I changed my mind.

I had to write about how I am feeling write now, because I don't want to leave it inside of me and let it consume my heart like I have done so many times throughout my childhood.

There are two things on my mind that I have to get out.


I just read a post on Jodi's journal called Mirror about how she felt afraid to look in the mirror. I think that this is a beautiful entry, but for some reason I just couldn't post a comment to let her know what I thought. It's just sometimes I feel scared that I might say something wrong, and hurt a persons feelings, which I can also tie back to a entry that Patrick did on comments. Why do I get like this, I can relate to what Jodi says, because I don't feel good about my looks, but I hold back what I feel! I tend to do this a lot, and let me tell you holding back how you feel can really suck sometimes.


I know a lot of you guys out there think that I am a nice person, but sometimes I don't think so. Last year, my family on my dad's side of the gene pool threw a surprise party for my aunt Dorothy. I was closer to my family on my dad's side of the family when I was a child, but as I grew up, we seemed to have grown apart (or to put it precisely, I drifted from them). My aunt Linda called and asked me to come to the party, I agreed, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to go, because at the time I was suspended from work and my brother Jevon and my sister Chandra were hit with a big problem, which also affected my life, and because it also involved something from my past. I Also didn't want to go because the party was at 11am, and I had to be to work at 3:30pm. She told me that I could still come and that someone would take me to work when the time came. I was just down, and I didn't want to go, because I was afraid that I would bring everyone else at the party down. So the day of the party my cousin Ta-Ta-Tanisha called my cell-phone and I just let it ring. She called two more times and left voicemail messages. I just laid in my bed staring at my ceiling. Not only that, but even before this I didn't want to go and see them. I didn't feel like I fit in. Everyone on my Dad's side of the family are Very spiritual. They keep trying to get to me to go to church, and in my Dad's case to the Kingdom Hall, but I choose not to, because I always feel like I am being pressured. When I was a kid I went to church with my aunts and cousins, and when I came back my dad got upset with me (although he didn't show it) and told me not to ever go there again. He had me go to the Kingdom Hall every time that I stayed over with him, or when I lived with him those two short times. I felt like I was in the middle of something, I felt trapped so I got out of there and I ended up distancing myself from everyone. It's all my fault, because I never tell them how I feel! I just bottle it up and keep it to myself and not say a word, and now its come to this. I am scared to call any of them, because I didn't go to the party. I love them all, but it's just so hard for me to say, "I LOVE YOU"! I know part of the reason stems from my childhood, but I haven't grasped the entire reason, I can't find the rest of the pieces to the puzzle.


Stephaine said...

If you did leave a comment that unintentionally hurt someones feelings, hopefully they would understand that it wasn't intentional and instead of getting mad discuss it with you. Doesn't that sound reasonable? I know it does, but I don't follow it. I do the samething. I don't want the person to take something the wrong way so I won't say anything. I usually read for weeks before I'll leave a comment and then like now there are times I won't shut up.

Did I ever tell you my family went to the Kingdom hall when I was growing up? I can relate to that pressure. Okay, I'm shutting up now.

Jod{i} said...

LOL...I left an extensive reply at the AOL one...

But for the record...As for me and my blog...never ever feel you can not write what you feel or how an entry may impact you. I take no offense. It is a rare occassion when a comment will offend me.

Comment away der friend!

DesLily said...

I avoid mirrors as much as possible.. I think that happens as one gets old..

if you want to listen to an old lady then hear this: It's only difficult to say "i love you" to a relative the FIRST TIME.. then it becomes easy. Think about saying it if that's what you feel.. they don't know unless you tell them, and a time may come when you can't tell them.. think about it.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm one of Jehovah's Witnesses and I just happened to run across your blog and I wanted to let you know I was very sad when I read this post. I know I don't know everything about your history, I don't know the whole story, but I can be sure that your dad really loves and cares about you and wanted only the best for you all your life. And him not wanting you going to a regular church was just him trying to protect you. I'm sorry you felt pressured whenever they tried to get you to go to Kingdom Hall. But that just shows that they really care for you. It's not just "going to church." It's about learning about God and becoming close to him. And helping others to learn about him. We realize that we live in horrible times, and I'm sorry for any troubles you're going through right now. But all this is part of prophecy. At 2 Timothy 3:1-7 it says "But know this, that in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God, having a form of godly devotion but proving false to its power, and from these turn away... always learning and yet never able to come to an accurate knowledge of the truth." That last part is probably why they urge you to go to the Kingdom Hall with them. They want to help you to learn the truth about God. And I'm sure they don't mean to pressure you.
Anyways, I probably gave you more than you were askin for. But I just had to tell you these things.