Thursday, February 09, 2006

My ventilation system

I guess I am really in a bad place right now. I had a epiphany of sorts last night when I was going to bed. I think I wrote this weird habit before, but I'm not sure. I have this heavy duty fan, kind of like the ones firefighters use to ventilate homes after a fire. I bought one, because my bedroom is in the attic. It can get pretty hot up there during the summer. Here comes the weird part! I also use it during the winter too! At first I thought it was because of the noise outside (Cars driving by, noisy neighbors, barking dogs...Etc). Here comes the epiphany! I realized that it wasn't the noise outside that I was trying to block out, it was the noise on the inside...Of me! I was trying to drown it out, before it drowned me, but all I could really to is numb it a little, just enough where I could eventually doze off. Last night I realized this when I tried to sleep with my fan off (it was so cold). I couldn't though, I waited until I heard a noise (stepfather coughing) and I got up and turned the fan on.

Whether it be loneliness (I turn the fan on)
Whether it is regret (I turn the fan on)
Whether it be anxiety (I turn the fan on)
Whether it is Doubt (I turn the fan on)
Whether it be depression (I turn the fan on)
Whether it is anger (I turn the fan on)

My brother twisted a bone in the hand that he punched the wall with two Saturdays ago. So now he is gonna have to have surgery today to fix it. I am a little nervous, and a little scared. He asked me and my sister to go with him. I can't help but think that somehow this is my fault from when I misbehaved as a teen. I am going with him to support him, but I dunno what to do. I just wish I could at least help him to control some of his anger. Yep I am in a pretty dark place right now!

3 comments:

Angelia Rian said...

*reaches out and gives Charles a big hug and a kiss on both cheeks* You look like you needed that... And it is not your fault... You each have choices, your brother and you... You cannot make his or be responsible for them anymore than he can for you... But perhaps you should talk to him about choices and how he can react without anger and still "win"...

It may not sound as if it applies here, but I assure you it does, if you think about it a moment: "Living well is the *best* revenge"... There is no better way to thwart someone who is always trying to bring you down, than to rise above them... Your brother may "know" this, but I don't think he *feels* it yet...

You *can* overcome, Charles... Both of you...

The Dark Lord Omz said...

Bro with another mother. You need to talk, you find me and the Chuckster. You dig?

Bon & Mal Mott said...

We don't know how much music may help to take your mind off things, but it may be worth a try, Charles. You are in our thoughts.
Bon & Mal