Saturday, July 22, 2006

A prayer: I just need a nudge in the right direction

A conversation with God! A Prayer.

I went to my friend Shannon's wedding today. I was happy for her, but seeing her there made me question my life.

During my life I have had some ups and downs.

I have had good things like, the fact that I have always had my mom there, even though my siblings came along and needed her attention too. I love her, and I love my brother and my sisters. I would do anything for them, I would gladly give my life for them. You have also blessed me with my first nephew. I love him and his smile. He is so clever and smart for seven months. I have had shelter food, love and support from my family and I am grateful.

Even though I have had these good things, the bad ones always seem to outweigh the good. I had an abusive man, that in many ways more of a father figure to me than my dad was, because he was around more than my father. I had kids picking on me, because of the clothes I had and because my family was poor. The few friends I had either always left, or hurt me in some way. When I was in the fourth grade, I had a classmate once who was nicer to me than any of the others. She smiled at me and I would smile back. She had this way of rolling back her foil covering on her school lunch that made me think of royalty. When I told her this she laughed and smiled. She didn't care that I was a smelly kid. If she did she never talked about me or laughed at me while I was present. I had a crush on her, and one day I came to school, I found out she had died in a fire. I didn't know exactly what death was. The first loss I ever had was my grandmother Janie. She died from cancer when I was seven or eight. All I new is that I would never see her again.

My "friend" Jermaine and his cousin Calvin used to torment me, and get me into trouble. Calvin used to always instigate fights between Jermaine and me. I would end up being hurt the most, because I was alone. Back then it was all about fighting. I just wanted someone to play with, someone to be my friend (still do today). Jermaine was the "leader" and I was the "follower". He convinced me to steal things, and I would go along with it. One time he stole a Bee bee gun from Kmart and brought it home without his mom being the wiser. One day after school, we were riding our bikes around his grandmother's (who was also my babysitter after I got kicked out of daycare) neighborhood. He had the bee bee gun in his coat. A sentry from our school was driving by and he pulled over across from us, told us to come to his car and took the bee bee gun from Jermaine. After that we high tailed it on our bikes and went to his grandmother's house as fast as we could, so we wouldn't get caught.

That's not even the worst of it. Before we got caught with it, Jermaine and I and my brother Jevon (who was a toddler at the time) was in Jermaine's room with the bee bee gun, and we were fiddling with it. I don't remember how it unfolded, but that night a bee bee hit my brother Jevon in his mouth and chipped his front tooth. I was surprised that Jermaine was smart enough to hide the bee bee gun, and we never got in trouble for hurting Jevon. I don't know what was worse, the fact that we were able to hide the truth, or the fact that my only concern was that I didn't get whipped. I feel ashamed about it, I wish that I had got hit and lost part of my tooth.

It all came to a head when my so called friend asked if he could borrow my Mike Tyson's Punch-Out video game for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Me being lonely and wanting friends; let Jermaine borrow my game. I never saw it again. I tried to ask my mom if she could ask his mom (mother's best friend) if he could get her to make her son give me my game back. My mom told me that it was between me and Jermaine, and that if I wanted it back, I would have to tell his mom myself. I didn't though, I just went to the source of my problem. What does Jermaine do, he gives me a game without the cover on it and says its mine. I go home to play it, and it turns out to be the Duck Hunt/Super Mario Brothers game that came with the NES when you buy it. It infuriated me, I hated him with a passion. I never trusted him again, and I never spoke with him.

Years later when I was in High School, I prayed that you take the most important possession to me, (which was my stereo) and give me a best friend in it's place. You did just that, and she meant the world to me. I loved her, but she didn't feel the same way. I was younger than her, and to her I was one of the "girls". One day we were in Spanish Class and I got involved in some gossip about her, and I wouldn't say what was spoken about her. She and I got into a argument, and I called her a bitch. After that, nothing was the same, we grew further and further apart, and eventually I got kicked out of my house and I had to move with my father. This resulted in me having to leave my High School because I was moving outside of the Rochester City School District. She ended up moving too, she moved to Jacksonville Florida, and I ended up getting only three letters from her. I wrote her two more times. Never heard from Pon Again. It was my fault, I regretted hurting her and I miss her.

As I was growing up, I had people talking about me, saying that I wasn't cool, that I was ugly. I didn't fit in anywhere. I didn't listen to the same music. I didn't have the same interests. People saying I wasn't black, or that I was gay. They don't know how I feel, they don't know what my sexual preference is because they didn't ask. SO WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! Why can't I just find some peace. Am I not entitled to be happy, am I not entitled to just live my life. I want to get married someday, raise my 2.3 kids, and own a couple of dogs. I have always wanted a dog. I regretted neglecting my second dog. I would take it back if I could. She was taken from me and so was my first dog.

I'm not like other guys, so it's hard for me to relate. Some of the things I hear coming out of these guys today, kind of offends me. The way they talk about women, and such. I can't relate to that sort of thing. I guess maybe I am one of those "Effeminate" males that think women should be treated equally and with respect.

My self-esteem has been so low that I feel like I don't deserve to exist. Sometimes I just lie in bed wondering if I have a purpose in life. I always think of the bad and not the good. I always take the easiest path or at least the one without the risk. Every time I see a woman that I am attracted to, I turn my head because I am nervous. I feel that she wouldn't want me, because I am insecure. I feel that I am not worthwhile, because of the things I witnessed my "stepfather" do to my mother when I was a kid. I would love to just live my life like there was no tomorrow.

I was so much more independent when I was a kid. I never lost my keys, not once. I even used to walk home from school, and the age of five. Now I am afraid to leave the house at times. I feel trapped. Afraid that someone is going to talk down on me. When I do leave, I put my headphones on and blast my MP3 player so I don't hear what people are saying.

I am feeling lonely right now. Like I said, I have had some ups and downs, but the downs have hurt so much more than the ups helped. It has made me untrusting, cold, lonely, unhappy, and yearning for companionship....For Love! I want to take risks. I want to get up tomorrow, and go to work without my headphones and talk to people. I want to tell them how I feel, what I like, and what I dislike. I want to hear there stories, and I want to share mines. I don't have to be rich, I don't want to be famous. I am not greedy, I am just needy. I just want to live comfortably and happily ever after.

Please all I need is just one push!


Jod{i} said...

You said:
I am feeling lonely right now. Like I said, I have had some ups and downs, but the downs have hurt so much more than the ups helped. It has made me untrusting, cold, lonely, unhappy, and yearning for companionship....For Love! I want to take risks. I want to get up tomorrow, and go to work without my headphones and talk to people. I want to tell them how I feel, what I like, and what I dislike. I want to hear there stories, and I want to share mines. I don't have to be rich, I don't want to be famous. I am not greedy, I am just needy. I just want to live comfortably and happily ever after.

Jodi says:
Then do it. Its all there CHarles...all of it..and its your voice, your actions that will accomplish it. THat fear that holds you back? You are so not alone. We all have them, even those who may appear to 'have it all'...fears lurk deep within and anyone who says they dont? Are a lying.
Try to sort through what is your obstacles...take one at a time and knock them down..BUT it ont happen over night..You can do it...Step out from that box we shelter ourselves in...We keep us there. I have all the confidence that any decision you make will be the right one...
Easier not to make one, as it is safe...start small. Look at those 'things' and really think about the impact they have on your life...the true importance of them to YOU.

You can, I know you can!

Two Write Hands said...

I really admire your honesty, Charles. Listen to Jodi.

Judith said...

I'm not sure it's appropriate for me to comment on this entry, that being a conversation with God and asking for a nudge in the right direction and all.

However ... You put it out there. Nobody said for me NOT to comment. Today is Sunday, and I cannot help myself.

What you wrote here is powerful evidence to your unwillingness to continue with the status quo. You are wanting something better for yourself than what you had yesterday. Personal progress is a very good thing.

Listen to Jodi. Lots of good stuff in that comment!

Do the best that you are capable of, stay positive, and for the love of humanity ... take off the headphones, look five people in the eye, smile and say "hello" to them.

Excellent entry, Charles! I appreciate your thought-provoking and questioning nature.

Stephaine said...

Yes, listen to Jodi and Judith. You're a good guy Charles, you just need to realize that like the rest of us have.

Once you smile at that first person it will make smiling at the next easier. They may not smile back because they could very well be dealing with the same issues (and some people are just a**holes) but at least you took a step.

Bobby said...

Being the way you are does not make you effeminate - it makes you more of a man than you realize. It takes a lot of balls to put yourself out there like this, and that makes a man more so.

A lot of us grew up in circumstances we wish were different, but they happen for a reason. When men like us put out something like this, we are assumed to be gay or less of a man. How false that is, bro - you are more than that, as am I.

From one NY'er to another, good for you to do what you did and say what you had to. You do not need a push - you have an outlet. That is more important, I feel.

Keep doing what you do and one woman out there will see that and be blown away by it. From there, no one can touch you.

The Dark Lord Omz said...

I ain't gonna sit here and wax on about the loneliness thing.

We all at one time or another feel lonely.

It's time to face the fear. Baby steps.

DesLily said...

i wish i could give you some good advise ..but it's impossible to direct someone into something that I was never able to accomplish.

but you do recoginze it at an early age, which means "if you choose to change it.. you have a damn good chance to succeed!"

Pugs said...

Hey charles.. good post, lot of advice in the comments section here!
So I don't think you need any more from me!
Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog.

Ari said...

You could never be rewarded without taking the risk. Life just doesn't fall in your lap, you have to go out there and take it. Yes, sometimes you will fall down. Sometimes people will push you. Sometimes you'll end up with a broken heart, but that's life, doll. You will never know until you try.

You are not ugly. You are not smelly. You are not stupid. You happen to be a wonderful guy. Do you know how many women would LOVE to have a guy like you?! Somewhere out there, there's a girl waiting for her Charles, waiting for her picket fence and 2.3 kids. But hon, you're gonna have to meet her halfway. Stop wearing earphones, don't look down and face the world. Who knows what you will find...

X. Dell said...

On my blog, I once referred to you as a young man with a good head on his shoulders. This is precisely why. You have contemplated your mistakes and learned from them. Not only that, you grew from your own evaluation of situations whether you paid the penalty for them or not.

I can feel a lot of infinity with you on some of these things. My dad's stepfather often beat him for no reason (stepdad was a violent man; he beat lots of people for no reason). Yet, my father had a loyalty to him that the rest of the family cannot share. At the same time, we parent as we have been parented. So I indirectly got a whiff of what that kind of violence from a father figure means, and what it can do.

Also, when I was a small child (six) my best friend was killed in a fire. Like you, I didn't have the firmest understanding of death at the time. Because I never really dealt with, and because I never grieved, her memory haunts me to this day.

How about you?

DrLuke said...

You have received some wise counsel in your feedback. I don't think I could add anything to it. It is real easy to become trite when trying to come up with advice.

I will just say that I understand you more than you would expect "most guys" would. I have been reflecting a lot about my life a lot, too. My hope and prayer for you is that these hurts and experiences will forge you into the person that will ultimately live the life you have been hoping for. That is what I am praying for myself and I want that for you, also.