Topsy Turvy

I guess I've been away for some time. Three years since I last posted. This almost seems like I'm  beginning a confession. Well I'm not, well maybe I am at some point, but not what you might think.

What have I been doing these last few years? Well there have been some good, some bad, and some ugly. I don't think that I mention this in my post in 2014, but that year I had a difficult situation which led to a difficult departure, that ended up being a new and difficult beginning.

At my previous job/store (whatever you want to call it) I had been trying to get full-time. A position as a assistant office manager. I applied three times and was passed up every time. I won't go into further details except to say that the things that happened saddened me greatly. I ended up leaving and going to another store where I got full-time. At first it was very hard. I am not good at new things! It is very hard for me to adjust and people didn't like me much at first. I was also having some health issues that people misinterpreted as anger and attitude. Eventually I found my stride and found some acceptance at my current job. I got hired as the full-time clerk at the customer service center. Was in that position for four years, until I finally got my chance. I am now the assistant office manager at the store I work for. I finally started learning something new. At the same time this was happening my former store closed for business. It was my first job. It saddened me and yet it almost seemed like all of what I had been put through was meant to be. If I hadn't been rejected there, I most certainly would have been one of the displace people looking for a new store to work at. Well I guess that worked out for the best. (Go Me!)

Lets see what else has happened ... ... ... Oh yeah I'm an uncle times three! I have two nephews and one niece. My niece liked me from the start. She wasn't unsure of me like my second nephew. The boy kept giving me this look like, "who are you supposed to be". LOL I am somebody, I am somebody...YEP! LOL Now when he sees me he doesn't want me to leave. My niece well I only get to see her once and awhile. My first nephew is a teenager now. He is a young man who is very much into video games like his uncle. He loves himself some Fortnite. I have to try and get him to do some outdoorsy things! Here is $200 can you clean up are backyard. Hmmm maybe that'll work. hehe

I pretty much have accepted that I won't ever find love. Not as long as I have this nagging feeling that I'm like the man that put his hands on my mom when I was a kid, and not as long as I despise myself like I was told that I do. I pretty much have been stuck inside the house doing nothing unless I had to go to work. That is until Pokemon GO was released. I have been obsessed with this game since I started playing it. Hunting for intangible digital pocket monsters in the "wild". I reached the max level in less than two years. Although there are some who had done this much quicker. I may not be the best like no one ever was, but I gotta catch them all (damn you unown). 

I still haven't gotten a car, still haven't been out of state by myself, still haven't let go of my past, still haven't "grown up" I hope that I never grow up! Adulting sucks! I do hope however that I mature so I can live my life to some sort of fullness, before it's too late.

Confession:

I have spent hundreds of dollars on Pokemon go items shop.

I have another side in my head that responds sarcastically when someone says something stupid or does something frustrating. Like spend hundreds of dollars on Pokemon go (idiot).

All of that weight I lost, I gained all back because of my depression. I just recently went on a fast for soda. it's been a week now I think. I originally started drinking energy drinks for energy. I ended up feeling worse. It was like they started working in reverse. as if my body had started compensation for toxicity in my body, which made me feel sluggish. I feel better now!

I went through a fives steps of grief  when I was upset about work, and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty.

Pokemon GO is life! 💓

Blockades

I have barriers! The kind that are intangible. They keep me from connecting to he outside world. They keep ne screaming on the inside. In the They are translucent on the outside, but on the inside there are words.

Reminders

Scars

You are ugly
Your handwriting is ugly
Everything about you is ugly
You are scarred by your bout with cancer  and no woman will ever want to be with you
You can't relate to others so don't bother
You suck at conversation
Nobody likes you
You don't have any reason to live
You should just kill yourself
Nothing special about  you

Constantly reminding me from the moment I awake until I lay down to fall asleep. They get louder when I make contact with people. Notice how I said they. They've seem to taken on a life of their own, living a better life than me.

My Faith In Humanity!

I know what it feels like when a person feels that they are an outcast. Most of my life I have felt that way. People poke fun at the way I walked, talked, and breathed, and I'd struggle just to put one foot in front of the other. Here I am forty years old and I am still struggling. During my youth and young adulthood. I had a hard time understanding how bad things really are in the world. Racism, genocide, and the lack of human compassion. For awhile I believed that everyone had the potential to be thoughtful. I never really SAW how evil people could be until I started being bullied by my neighbors.

I am a shy person. I have for the most part kept my head down and minded my own business because I have never quite fitted in this world and could never relate. Whenever I made eye contact with someone like my neighbors I'd quickly change directions because of my shyness and kept quiet. They thought I was being an ass, but I was actually shy and afraid, because I wasn't good at conversation and I didn't want to seem stupid. Eventually they went on to think of this as my weakness and started verbally attacking me while I was indoors at home and I wouldn't do anything to stop it because I was afraid of what kind of reaction I'd get. Eventually it gotten so worse that I ended up seeking therapy because I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted to take my fears head on and show people that I wasn't slow or stupid, that I actually am a caring person. During that time of risk. I saw some of the worst possible things that we as a species should be ashamed of. I lifted my veil of loud music and tried to break up a fight, and no one came to aid me. It was futile, the police didn't even listen to me when they arrived. I knew which kids jumped the poor kids on the ground and the police didn't even acknowledge me. They kept asking the two kids on the ground if they knew who did this. I was there from the beginning of the the fight to the end trying to know avail to protect those kids. When I stopped the attackers from beating up one, they would go to the other. No one came to help me until after the damage was done. I didn't want to fight the attackers because I stood no chance, I just tried my best (insert futility here) to keep them at bay. That was roughly two years go.

Earlier this year a woman came to my job to pay some bills and purchase some money orders. She was not in good health, and honestly I was surprised that she was standing let alone walking. I felt so sorry for her. I wished in my heart that their was something I could do, so the best thing I did was treated her with dignity. I treated her as person who deserved my respect and I wanted to make her visit a pleasant one.

Why you ask? Because the people in line behind her were talking badly about her. Yes she had a lot of open wounds on her arms and legs, and yes she did look like her time on Earth was coming to an end. However you don't blurt out aloud that somebody looks like they have Aids. That ticked me off, so I wanted to at least make my interaction with her one to remember.

Three years of therapy and I discovered that I may have wasted my time trying to let people in, because all I have is disgust for humanity in general. Their are some kind people out there, but the evil and irresponsible ones are prevailing. Not sure that I want to return to get help, because I have little or no faith left for this world.

Together or not at all

Years ago while during a match of domination on Call of Duty: Black Ops, our team was losing and I was frustrated because my teammates were sitting in our end of the map protecting the C flag. We needed a the B flag to win and I was the only person trying to go for it. It got to the point where I did something out of character. I turned my headset mic on and told them, "We aren't going to win if you sit back in our spawn. I am not going any further than you are anymore. If you want to win we have to do this together". Then something awesome happened. For the first time ever someone took my advice seriously. We took the B flag and held on to our flag and obliterated the enemy team with killstreaks. After the game was over, and we won I heard another player say that he didn't think that I meant what I said and was glad he took chance "this once". It made me happy that day to hear those words.

The reason why I am sharing this story is because here I am once again saying that I won't go any further than people go with me. I am tired of hearing  people suggest that we should hang out and do stuff together and I am willing to put in an effort, but never get updated on the plans. If you want to do something with me follow-up! I don't want to be set up for a let down.

Better Place!

I have been battling with mental illness my whole life. I have been in an out of therapy, and I even went to emergency once because of a panic attack. I have posted things about how I feel and a few people suggested that I get some help. Well guess what I have done just that.

 It's the reason why I was able to go and sign up with Planet Fitness. It's the reason why I lost so much weight, and it's the reason why I am starting to be able to step outside my comfort zone. Granted it is NOT easy, and I do have moments where I slip, but I get right up on that saddle and keep on riding. I have been reading a book about cognitive thinking at the behest of my therapist, and I really think its helping me. Maybe I will get into more detail about it some other time. I have been talking to people more, sharing my feelings and even asking women out (although I have been turned down LOL). Also I have applied for an assistant manager position at work that I was more than qualified for, but that is a story for another time too. In any case something else opened up and I finally got full-time and a raise at a different location. Basically the same thing that I am doing now, but better benefits (sweet :). Also less responsibility than that assistant manager position too! 

Now I am focused on trying to find who "Charles" is. I always agreed when my opinions differed with others, I never spoke up when people put me down, and I always doubted myself when I wanted something better for my life. I feel so much better! I don't feel so lost and alone anymore. I can honestly say that although I still want to find the love of my life, I am content to be on my own now. I feel hope for the first time ever, and I'm going to get a car! Hehehe. If their is anyone reading this trust me! Believe in yourself. If you don't believe in anything else believe in you! DON'T let anyone ever put you down, because if they try, than you are better them! I know it's cliche, but if I can do it so can you. :-)

Poem I wrote as I was walking home from work. (Can't think of a name for it)

I make a mistake

A memory of a similar situation enters my thoughts.

It fragments

Latches onto other mistakes

Failures and disappointments

All of which continue to plague me

In chains

One by one

They line up and smack me in the face

Freeze my body encased

in a fit of fear

That is like ice

Become so cold

Unlike

The person I would like to be

Will someone or something release me

Please

Wordless Wednesday

Lost my fatty cakes

I don't know how it really started. One day I was playing video games, and I ate, and ate and ate. I'd sit in my room for hours on end entertaining myself in the fantasy world. All that time I wasn't paying any attention to myself, until one day I noticed I had gotten a bit of a belly. When I realized what was happening I told myself that I would work out and lift my weights again. A day goes by, then a week, and then a month...a year. I kept sitting on my behind playing video games because I wanted to escape the harsh realities of this world. For a time it worked, but reality started creeping in and it wasn't to subtle anymore.

I started noticing that it became harder for me to breathe. The swelling in my ankles became more severe, and I started getting venous stasis ulcers. Also I felt like I was dragging the day instead of living in it. I was always tired and I didn't like it. Literally when I woke up I felt like I was undead and I hadn't put two and two together. I hadn't really even noticed how fat I became until one day some kids on a school bus yelled, "Hey look at the fat man haha". Then a gentleman outside stuck for me and told them to respect they're elders. That day it all hit me at once. I go into more detail about the why in my next post. Lets just say it was life or death reasoning for now.

I was asked what it was I wanted to do with my life. To forget everything scary out in the real world and think what it was I wanted to do that wouldn't be to scary. First thing that came to my mind was the gym. So I signed up with Planet Fitness and started walking on the treadmill. At first it was difficult. I set a lofty goal to stay on the treadmill for an hour. It didn't matter how fast I was walking just as long as I lasted the whole hour. I kept thinking to myself that I want to give up and that this was pointless. That I will never lose the weight, and that I will never feel better. However I came back the next day, and the next, and kept coming. Heck I even walked from my house to the gym for extra exercise. I remember some of my co-workers and even customers telling me to take it easy. LOL you don't want to tell me that because I am the exact opposite of most people. I kind of take offense to it and it becomes a challenge. So I walked back home from the gym the same day just to prove to myself and them that I could do it.

In the first week I lost five pounds. I felt better and I had more energy. I didn't notice a change physically yet but I felt it. Six months go by and I lost twenty pounds. I noticed my face and stomach getting thinner. I even did my first selfie lol. I made it my goal to get down to 185 pounds by June of 2013. But something had happened though that distracted me. If you look at my profile pic of me in the blue shirt and tie it kind of says it all. I said I would never where dress clothes unless I was going to a funeral. My Grandad had passed away in January 2013. Kind of felt down and I stopped going to the gym for a bit. Had regrets of not spending more time with him. When I was a child I saw him more than my dad. My heart wasn't really in it for awhile but I realized that it was his time and he is at peace.

Right now as it stands I weigh 191 pounds, which down from 240. I have lost 49 pounds and I feel great. I feel tired when I wake up in the morning, but I don't feel dead tired :). I am walking fast Like I used to when I was in my teens and twenties again. Heck I feel like I can take on younger kids one on one in basketball. LOL I feel great, and I got the proof!

Famous quote: "If I can do it, you can too!"

Getting it Done the LONG way 'Round!

Around this time last year I bought my current laptop, a Samsung. It came with Windows 8, and from the start me and this laptop just didn't get a long. The start menu isn't really a start menu. It's more like my android phone that has a ton of apps. It took me awhile to figure out how to even shut this thing off. I mean who wants to point their mouse to the corner of a screen till a sidebar slides out (not me). Their are a lot of things that I don't like about this new Windows, but when it updated to Windows 8.1 things got worse.

The first thing that happened to me was a doozy. I don't know if it was a coincidence or because of the update, but I started getting a warning that "blue screen" occurred on my computer. I didn't think nothing of it at first because nothing seemed any different. Then it started happening more frequent, and then my computer crashed. Turned out it was the motherboard. It burned out and I had to send it out for repairs. When I got my computer back I was so happy and I though things were looking up.

 (Before motherboard crash)

I also have a Samsung Galaxy S3 android phone, and I had been anticipating the update of its software called Jellybean. My phone had the update of Jellybean 4.1.2 and I heard 4.3 was out, so I stupidly installed Samsung's program Kies Air to update it. It told me that an update was available, but It wasn't an update for my phone, and I totally wiped every app and every song on it. It was kind of like a system restore. I pressed the wrong button out of elation, without reading I guess.  When I saw my phone was still at 4.1.2 after the "update", I was angry at myself. So I began re-installing everything on my phone again including my music. Everything was fine except one song, and the only reason I noticed is because I love this song. Amel Larrieux's song called "Weather". My "inner light was gray" that day, and so I went to play it and it worked for the first 20 seconds of the song and then it skipped to the next song. I was so livid because it meant I had to go and upload the song to my phone again. I was in my "if it isn't one thing" mode and I forgot about it until after my computer crashed.

(After motherboard crash)

LOL so when I remembered I went to upload the song to my phone. The files I had ripped to my laptop aren't compatible with it. My phone only accepts MP3 files and I had WMA. So I decided that I would delete the Windows Media Audio files and replace them with MP3's when I went to rip my music again, I got an error message telling me that, "Rip settings for windows media player cannot be changed". I tried to fix it and I even googled  for instructions on how to fix the problem but couldn't find the answer so I gave up. I deleted all of my music for nothing (Grrr...)

Fast forward to yesterday and I decided that I wanted to make a ringtone on my phone from The Weather song again (at least that's what I thought) By now I had gave in and used my PC downstairs that's corrupted by spy ware thanks to family (thanx). I got the MP3s off of it but it turned out that the file that I got Amel Larriuex's "Weather" was also corrupted on that PC. I was batting zero. So as I said yesterday I wanted to make a ringtone. So I googled again for help and I saw someone had said that their was an error in Windows 8 that caused your username to be missing in certain files. So stupid me thinking I was SOOOO smart went into my administrator profile and changed my username, then I went back to my user profile, and windows glitched and created a temporary profile for me. It wouldn't give me access to my profile because I changed the username, and it was searching for the previous one. I tried to go back and fix the problem by changing the username back to what it was but I forgot what it was named (cini_00...something). I didn't create that, it was created when I was forced to use my email address for my Microsoft account. I had to create one so I could take full advantage of Windows 8 (grrr...).

So in the end I had no choice (or at least I thought) but to do a system restore. The last point of the restore was on the day I got my computer (2/03/13). So I lost everything, even though all I had to do was delete the profile. I was so angry that my emotions clouded my logic and I acted on emotion. So now I have a new profile without the Microsoft account (thank goodness) and Windows Media Player can rip Cd's as MP3's (YEAH). I upload Amel Larrieux's album "Infinite Possibilities" to my phone (even better). Then I go to create a ringtone from "Weather". I get angry because I realize... It was the wrong song. LOL It was scat from "Searching For My Soul" that I wanted. The part where she says leave that alone. I went through all of that over the course of seven months for the wrong song. That sums up me in a nutshell.

T-9

Meme:  With your android or iphone use the t-9 trace to randomly draw a pattern and see what word you come up with and then post it on your Facebook page or blog.

My word is: vanQuish

Is it live, or is it memorex?

It had been a long while since I had a nightmare, at least one that I can remember. The last one that I remember was frightening because in the dream I saw fire on my ceiling and when I opened my eyes I could see it there still. Eventually it went away, and I had plenty of theories on what could have caused it. A ghost, a demon, overworked senses from playing video games too long, or a very active and creative imagination. I don't have a clue what caused it, but I still get chills when I think about that nightmare.

I have this ability to sense someone within my personal space when I'm not looking in the direction. Kind of like when I have my head down. It's not as good as it was when I was younger but I still can sense people for the most part. I'm sure their are others out there like me who can feel when someone is approaching them. I have a co-worker with the same ability. Call it a sense of awareness, call it self-preservation (call it whatever). If it wasn't for it, I would have walked into countless people by now (LOL).

Seriously though, last week I fell asleep and I can't say that this was a nightmare per say. I was sleep, and I felt this presence in my sleep. I felt it at the head of my bed. I opened my eyes in my sleep and I leaned my head back to look and I saw a shadow that wasn't a shadow. It was a person wearing a hat. He literally had NO detail. It was dark and he was darker than the darkness in my room. I couldn't make out anything noticeable but the hat on his head. I was frozen and I couldn't move, but eventually I really did wake up. When I did I opened my eyes for real and it was still there looking at me. I could feel it looking down at me. I was frightened, too frightened to even scream. So I stopped looking and closed my eyes hoping it wasn't real and eventually it disappeared. Just like the flaming vision nightmare, this dream that didn't feel like a dream at all gave and still gives me the creeps thinking about it. The weird thing about it though, I was able to blow it off and go back to sleep. Maybe it was because I was tired (who knows). I don't know if their are truly any supernatural phenomenon out there, I don't know if the human mind is really capable of creating complicated and horrible visions based on our fears and experiences. I do know that what I felt, felt real enough to make me want to sleep with the lights on tonight though.

It's Complicated!

I'm a difficult person!

Hey its my nature. I want it my way or the highway. I've grown to accept some things now better than when I was a kid. I will always be difficult though. However I prefer to use the word "Complicated". Without complexity what would our lives be like. Most of us go to work to make a living. We punch in and at the end of the day we punch out without feeling an ounce of accomplishment. A few people that work at there jobs, or "careers" find satisfaction in their work. At the end of the day there work may be hard but they feel like they've accomplished something. They want to go back to work in the morning unlike everyone else.

This is me! I don't like doing the same boring thing over and over again (I have to work though). I like to make things interesting. I bought my friend a Furby for her birthday. The day before her birthday she looked behind her and asked what was in a bag, and I told her. On her birthday I put her gift in a bag in the same spot that the other bag was in. I waited for hours to see if she would notice it until finally an opportunity presented itself. I don't remember exactly what happened, but she told me she got me. So I responded by telling her that I got her and she hadn't even realized it yet. She kept asking me what I meant until I told her to turn around and look. She looked everywhere but the place I figured she would. I asked her if she noticed anything different on the floor that wasn't there the day before. She then tells me its the bag. I ask her why don't she look in it, and she replies that she doesn't care what was inside of it. I laughed and said, "you should care". Then she grabbed her gift and realized what it was. I made it very complicated yeah, but at least I made her smile, and at least it was fun. I also tend to make my feelings vague and hinted. I've always been this way, hoping someone would pick up on it and realize what I was trying to convey. I'm growing out of the latter now, because I want to share my true thoughts.

One day I was riding with my Aunt. We were talking about video games, and somehow it became a conversation about entertainment in general. I told her that I feel that American entertainment is dumbed down. No one likes complicated stuff here unless it's about Drama, Sex, and Love. Even then that is watered down. I thought Transformers 2 was lame. They tried to mix bits and pieces from other movies into it. (Raiders of the lost Ark, the Matrix, Half Baked) I didn't like the fact that they had ignorant Black transformers in the film that were doing stupid crap. I didn't like the fact that they had a small robot hump a woman's leg for a cheap laugh.

I then told my Aunt how their is this Japanese game that was Localized to America called .Hack. It's a video game about an online video game "The World" that people play for fun. In this video game their lies a hidden threat that is putting real life players in comas and threatening to destroy the the World Wide Web, plundering chaos into the real world. I won't go into details about it but in each video game series they had a mini prequel series leading up to the game, and if you didn't see the DVD's you missed some important back-story. it wasn't necessary for key points in the game but you would miss out on some of the plot in the story and may not understand some of the things the characters were talking about from the past. I thought that it was pretty cool, because I actually watched the DVD's before I played the game and saw how the DVD's and video games brought it all together:). Even the levels of the game were complicated in a sense. First you have to pick a server, and then you have to choose words from three slots you used to pick a level. In each slot you pick one word, and then the game will take you to a field or dungeon. for example Δ(delta Server) Hidden Forbidden Holyground. It has a ton of cool features that simulate a real video game. If that's not complicated I don't know what is. I think the difficulty of it is the reason it didn't win over many people but it one me over.

I think everyone knows that I love to play video games, and that I really love to play Call of Duty online multiplayer. What everyone doesn't know is that my emblems, and Gamertag On 360 have ironic meaning. My gamertag on Xbox is "UREPITAPHIZTOLD"! The irony is that I play online multi-player games for fun, and my gamertag is based off of a video game about a video game ;) . I got the idea of the name from a video game series called .Hack. The basis of the game .Hack was from a fictional poet named Emma Wielant. The name of the poem is called "The Epitaph of Twilight". Her love interest Harold Hoerwick used the poem as a tribute in his game for his fallen love. Also there is a song on the soundtrack of .Hack//G.U. called "The Epitaph is Told"(See Gamertag name). I have two emblems in Call of Duty:Black ops 2 that were inspired from
from .Hack//G.U. One is a non player character called a Chim Chim, and the other is the Loading icon used in G.U. that have rounded lines and a dot that swirl in a clockwise/counter-clockwise fashion.

I like to think that my thought processes are a wee bit complicated but they are also a part of my charm. I have yet to find anyone who really appreciates that about me, but it's part of who I am. Someday I hope I will find someone that likes this quality in me. When that day will come I will never let her go. LOL

From my stomach to yours!

I know that I have been making promises over the years that I wouldn't drink soda. Well, back in early December I started weening myself off of the sparkling goodness. Instead of buying two liters for a dollar, I'd settle for one or two 20 ounce bottles for $1.80. I know, I know your wondering why I paid for two little bottles at four bucks, when I could have just bought one big one for a $1.25. There is a method to my madness. If I had bought the two liter, most likely I would have drunken half of it when I got home and the rest the next day. I've done this countless times. So I decided that I would buy the little bottles to prevent myself from going on a binge of drinking. And every now and then I'd throw in a Snapple or a juice as my second drink. There see, I told you I had a method :).

Well last Saturday when I got off work at 10:30pm , I came home and I was going to bake a pot pie for dinner. I didn't get home until after eleven, and I had to be in at work at nine in the morning. I put the pot pie in the oven hoping it would bake, because the oven works when it wants to apparently. Unfortunately this was a night it took a break. I sat downstairs until midnight begging it cook my dinner, but it refused LOL. So I turned it off, placed my pot pie in the freezer and went to bed.

Here's where this gets a little "TMI"

That night I fell asleep, and an hour later I woke up. I wondered why at first, but then I realized that I had to "run" for the bathroom. Yeah that's right I said it. I sat on the toilet for a good thirty minutes, and spewed nothing but water (gross). When I was done I went up stairs and tried to go back to sleep. Half an hour later I had to run back. Eventually it became a re-occurring scene. I was wondering why this was happening to me all night. Then I remembered the same thing happened to me when I couldn't eat when I had chemo. I have gone nights before without eating, and this never occurred. There was one thing both occurrences had in common. I hadn't drunk soda in awhile. My body was getting rid of all of the toxins left behind from drinking soda for so long. I also lost 11 pounds in that one night. (Down to 228, from 239)

I feel much better now. While I feel tired, I don't feel dead tired like before. I felt like I was dragging the days instead of the other way around. I felt bloated, fat and uncomfortable. Now I feel much better. Also I'm reducing how much junk food I'm eating as well. Instead of buying cookies and Little Debbie snacks at work, I've been buying bananas, little bag of chips and fruit cups. also I joined Planet Fitness, because I want to get back in to shape. More on that in a future blog post. though. So if you are thinking about quitting soda, hopefully this will motivate you to do so. Much Love!!!

Trying to Live

Gosh, I remember I started blogging in may of 2005 on the now defunct AOL Journals. I had a fun time meeting people through there blogs and sharing my life stories with them. Not many of them are left, and to be honest I miss them. Wish I found another way to keep in touch.

Nothing really has changed with me as of late. I am trying to interact with people more in the real world. It's quite hard for me to even say "Hi" to someone. With that said when I am at work I tend to sit with people at a table on break now. I used to just sit at a table alone, because I felt like no one would want to sit with me. Finding out now that, it isn't the case. I isolated myself out of fear, and now it's the fear that I want isolated.

Still playing a lot of Call of Duty. I finally gave in and bought a XBOX 360. I play Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 multiplayer. I'm decent at it. At least I have a positive K/D ratio. The only reason I got the XBOX, was so I could play with my co-workers. I have fun doing that, because they are good people, and they have a very good sense of humor. If anyone ever wants to join me in a party let me know, and I'll give you my gamertags.

Lately, I've been thinking that I haven't lived my life to the fullest. Stayed home away from the chaos of this world and missed out on my youth. I still haven't even gotten my first car yet! I plan on doing this, and I plan on going to Canada to see the Niagara Falls. I know their is also an American side, but I want to go to Canada. Never been to another country before. Want to experience this once in my life. This so called life has seen it's share of pain, but wants to grasp on to happiness now it that's okay with the invisible pain givers. Sometimes I wonder if I am given pain, and sorrow just to torment me, or so it can keep me grounded.  Because anytime I did something good, I always had something equally bad that followed me. You saved a woman from dying by call 911 and giving instructions over the phone...good. Oops now I give you cancer deal with it. You caught a shoplifter excellent. Now I expose your anxiety, and let people exploit it and keep you in fear. Yeah that happened to me. I didn't want to fight back so I tried to avoid it and hope it went away. It didn't, but maybe I'll save this for another day...

Like I said I want to live my life. I don't know how much longer I have here so I want to live. If there is anyone out there like me, who keeps things bottle up, Don't!!! Learn to express your feeling in some way, because if you don't you may miss out on a miracle. Something relevant to you happiness can be right there in front of you, and all you have to do is listen to your heart. I know this because my heart is speaking in volumes, but I keep it bottled up. Trying SO hard to change that right now! LOL their is this young lady I like. I told her how I felt. She rejected me and it hurt, but at least I tried this time. Live life to it's fullest. Don't let petty differences in skin color, moral opinions, and status dictate or control your life. Just don't!

If that is love...

I know some women like the bad guys. Like how they say rebellious things, and in some cases say some mean things to them. Okay I know it's kind of like rugged affection, but sometimes it can become something worse.

Today I was at work. This young couple comes in, and wants to pick up money via Western Union. At first I pay them no mind. Then I here the young man start saying, that the girl isn't treating him right. He says that he's not getting any attention, and that if she doesn't start acting right he will kick her out. She is crying, and he's still berating her. Threatening to kick her out and send her back to her parents house. These are freaking teenagers. The boy seemed immature. It got to the point where I wanted to punch him in his face. Oddly enough the money she got was in her name. Then he asked her to buy him some cigarettes in front of me. I flat out told her that he needs to show me his ID. He pulls out a Benefit card, and I told him flat out that it's not valid ID. Dude throws a freaking temper tantrum Like a kid and runs out the store. He has some issues that I would have been happy to "fix"! As the young lady was leaving I told her that she can do better. I couldn't stand to see her in tears. NO woman deserves to be treated like that. If it were up to me I would have kept her at the store and had her call her parents, because eventually I think the verbal will turn into physical abuse too. That boy has some growing up to do, he has no business being with anyone. I wish I could have done more to help her. I was at least happy I didn't have to sell the jerk any cigarettes. ;)

Expression of Words

Words
Are a common everyday occurrence
Not all words have a special meaning
My words inescapable words
Hurt so much
Not because they are hurtful

I want to share

Something so simple
A Hello
makes me cringe on the inside.
A simple goodbye
makes me want to cry
Laying in my bed
this is what I think about almost every night.

Expressing in words

Escaping Reality

Yeah, it's been awhile...Again!

I haven't posted, I won't give any excuses, as I don't have any really. I've been spending my free time playing video games as of late. Not that I don't have anything better to do, because I have tons of stuff better to do. Lately, I've just been having a hard time dealing with reality. Instead of facing the struggles I've been having with myself, and low self-esteem. I've been just coming home, and staying hidden within my home. Mainly within the dark confines of my bedroom.


Work, Home, Sleep, with video gaming thrown somewhere in between. To be honest, I have a difficult time in the "real world". Social situations, life in the ghetto, No friends to speak of really. I even recently pushed some family members away, because of my battle with anxiety. The only real thing I have been enjoying is video gaming. And its not so real is it?

While I'm sitting here righting, I'm debating on whether or not to even publish this.

So many emotions, so many disappointments, and so many fears. The real reason I didn't want to post anything, is because of what I had to post...this.

Will I click "Publish Post"?

This one is for Trish

Sorry Trish I've been away for awhile. I know I said that I was going to blog consistently, but I had to get ready for my math course for the spring semester at the college I'm attending. Also I'm not the only one using the computer. My nephew, and my sisters are on it regularly too. I plan on getting a Laptop soon so hopefully I can blog whenever I feel like it :). Then again I also will have to pry myself from Call Of Duty: Black Ops. I've been obsessed with that game ever since I bought it. The online multi-player is awesome, aside from other players telling me I suck, or using bad language and racial slurs.

Normally I do my taxes on my own with the simple forms because well...my life is simple, but not this year. Hook me up with calculator and pen and no problem, but I sold some of my savings bonds, and I needed a little help. One exception though, I had my taxes done last year by this free tax service called C.A.S.H. I was going to do the same this year but I didn't qualify, because I sold said bonds. There was no way in H. E. Double Hockey Sticks (did I just type that???) I was going to some tax business and be charged $300 to do my taxes!!! I had felt so overwhelmed, because of it I kind of took it out on my mother when she said she would help me. Sorry about that mom, I didn't mean to. Love you (Hugs). I ended up buying Turbo Tax yesterday. Froze my A Double Snakes (yep I said it) at the busstop in waiting for the bus for like a half an hour. My furging feet (heh) were hurting so, but its okay, because in the end Turbo Tax was worth it. I got my taxes done and E-Filed, and I will have my Federal Taxes with eight days. Plus I also was able to finish my Financial Aid now that I got my taxes done. Now all I have to worry about is passing that Dang math course. Wish me luck

"This blog has been edited for explicit content." heh

Just when you think...

I went to my urologists office the other day, and it was supposed to be my last visit for a year. I was supposed to hear that, correction...I wanted to hear that everything is alright. I wanted to hear the words that I don't have to have another CT scan for a year. Instead I was told that they found an abnormality on my chest CT. He wanted me to get another CT scan in three months, but stupidly I agreed with the doctor and told him that I had not been feeling well at the time of the scan. He said I may have had a pneumonia. He moved it up to six months. Now I'm playing the waiting game again. My mother told me not to worry and not to stress, but I'm not so sure I can. I don't know if a pneumonia can last weeks, I do know that my chest hurts on the left side. It feels better than before, but it feels kind of heavy, and it hurts when I breathe. I'm not as stressed as I am scared. Its kind of ironic that now I desperately want a CT scan..

Which would you choose?

Which would you rather lose? In real life, you would have to choose one or the other. You can't choose to keep them both, and in some cases you could lose it all. Which would you choose? Would you chose to lose your vision, or your hearing?

If you chose your vision, it would mean losing your ability to see. You would lose so much more than the ability of preventing yourself from walking into things. You'd lose the ability to see your family, and friends. You'd lose the ability to see the love of your life. You wouldn't be able to see a sunset or a sunrise. There wouldn't be anymore autumn leaves. No more stars in the night sky. You'd miss seeing your children grow into adults. Seeing birds fly would be a thing of the past. Going blind we could miss seeing countless things. All you would have of these are memories stuck the same way for the rest of your life. Even then they may be come abstract because over time you could forget how they looked.

If you chose your hearing, it would mean losing your ability to hear. You would lose so much more than the ability to hear things approach you. You wouldn't be able to hear your love ones say I love you. You wouldn't be able to hear the bird calls, or a baby coo. You wouldn't be able to hear your favorite music. Waterfalls and raindrops would seem to keep falling forever with no end in sight. Even the occasional wind blowing is nice every once and awhile. I remember watching a segment on Good Morning America awhile back about a young girl who had lost her hearing in one ear from a condition, and she had to have surgery to fix a problem and it was going to cost her the hearing in her other ear. I remember them saying that she played a song over and over again because she wanted to remember it. It was an inspirational song. It was an inspirational story.

What if you didn't have either ability. Their is this book in high school I read. It is about a girl who lost both her hearing and vision at a very early age. A woman taught her words by writing letters with her fingers onto the child's hand. I never really wanted to read the book because It was a homework assignment, but now, I think I will go to borders and find the book about Helen Keller.

You never know one day you may wake up and you may have lost one of your senses. Don't take them for granted. Don't stay on the computer for hours at a time. Don't blast your music until your ears start ringing. It may not bother you now, but think fifteen years from now.