Monday, March 19, 2007

Bottled Up

I have been on an emotional roller-coaster of messy proportions. I have been high, I have been low, I went left than right, and then smack dab in the middle. The darkness I felt has dulled, but even so it's still there. I can still feel it as if it were gnawing at my soul in and ever so lovingly way, as if it were a cat trying it's best to "pet" me. The sad thing is that it doesn't know anything about "petting". It so desperately wants to come out and take over me, but I have managed to keep it at bay. The last time I gave in, I ended up hurting my wrist pretty badly by punching the propane cabinet in front of work. My hand hasn't been the same since. I remember the anger, and the negative thoughts I had at that time. I wanted everyone that angered me to be hurt in some way. Blogging at the time was a release valve. It worked somewhat, but it didn't stop me when I was away from my computer.

Recently that anger came back, and the littlest things have been activating the darkness. I'd like to believe that I have become stronger than I was a year ago. Then again, we all know what happens when we bottle things up. Just like when we shake a carbonated beverage and open it up, we can BLOW UP and nine times out of ten no one will see it coming. My hand is on the cork, but the pressure seems to be too strong. My eyes are closed because I am afraid to face "myself" (or my darker self, whatever you want to call it). It's not like I have a split personality or anything like that. I am fully aware of my Faculties, I'm just not sure of how to control them. I have to remember that kindness kills hate. I started being kinder last year and I think it also helped.

But...

I had been debating the reasons for the combustible feelings I have had recently, and in the past. I have come to the conclusion that it's my job that is doing this to me. The logical solution to remedy this situation is to remove myself from what is causing me to have a myriad amount of emotions. Hence forth, I am looking for a new job.

6 comments:

tfg said...

Congratulations, Charles. I have the same problem. When my job becomes toxic, it spill over into the rest of my life. Good luck with the job hunt.

Chelle said...

I'm here if you need anything.....

Jeff said...

I hope you do find a new job. It will empower you. Remember, that in the meantime, you are getting stronger for the experience - even if you can't feel it.

shari said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
shari said...

I resigned from a job last year that I had kept for over 8 years. Every single time I think of it, I remember the sense of bottled up frustration and burdened pressure and then I feel a wave of intense relief that I had the courage to let go of something that was supressing me. ugh.
I hope you find something new and better and that you will feel uplifted at letting go of something holding you back.

Chris said...

Damn Charles, what have you eaten? You are on FIRE with your entries this week. It is exciting to watch someone growing and learning so fast. You seem to be worried that you are in a bad place, but to me, it seems that you are on the verge of something great.


Chris
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