Wednesday, February 04, 2009

I'm sorry

Let me just say first that I'm sorry that I haven't posted and update in awhile. Its not that anything bad has happened to me, its just that I haven't felt like blogging. Not when I have to make an huge effort at it. Heck, I haven't even felt like watching TV, and I only saw tiny bits and pieces of the Super Bowl, so you know that something is wrong with me. Well I'm feeling down. Not depressed mind you, just feeling down. Some days where I want to just disappear and then there some days where I want to just cry.

Not just because of the surgery, but because of what it made me realize. I'm not as invincible as I may have perceived. You know how people think. They think they are on top of the world and there $h!t don't stink. Well I lost some of that years ago, but after the surgery I feel even more vulnerable. I used to think I was very healthy. Before the cancer, the most serious illness I had was the chicken pox at the age of 18. Now here I am wondering if the cancer will come back again. Alas I am but a mere mortal!!! Sucks...

Secondly I don't have to get radiation, but I DO have to get one 1 hour dose of chemo (carboplatin), on Friday February 6th. Let me emphasize that its only one dose, and its not that I need to (well I NEED TO personally), its that I want to, because it decreases the chances of cancer returning in any shape or form. Sure there are side-effects, and sure the treatment is worse than the disease, but in the long run my life is more important to me than temporary side-effects. Although the thought of having my blood count diminished is a little disturbing. Then theres that possibility of not having any children...um Yeah....

I decided not to bank any sperm though. I'm going to be blunt when I say this, but I wouldn't feel comfortable masterbating, especially in a public place where you are encouraged to do so with books... It would make me feel so uneasy. So I will just pray for a miracle. I can always adopt someday I guess. I'm sure there are alot of children out there who need parents, but still there is still that selfishness of wanting ones own. Which is why I don't understand how this one customer I had last year was talking down about how he wish he never had kids, because he have to pay child support. it really pissed me off. Then a month or so into my return to work I see him again, and he's complaining on a phone to someone because he can't go out with some woman, because she has kids and she can't find a babysitter. I heard him say, that she shouldn't have had kids. I had this pain in my abdomen that I get when I get stressed. But I wasn't stressed, I was extremely demoralized. I just don't understand how people who don't want kids can have them, and people like me who want kids and are about to go through or have gone through a painful, sorrowful procedure, that will possibly end our hopes of fathering children. I just don't understand that. Its just not fair. This is why I don't feel like blogging anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a break.

11 comments:

Chelle said...

NO sorries. You READ ME!!!

Take all the time you need. Blogging isn't important. It is petty compared to life.

Take care of you, first and foremost.

*hugs*

~Rebecca Anne~ said...

I doubt I would feel much like blogging myself, so please never feel bad about ignoring this zone in life! We'll all be here when you feel like coming around.
The man you spoke of, about children sounds like the most selfish creatures of all. The type to ignore, dismiss and place on the black side of life.
Know I'm thinking of you,
Rebecca

2writehands said...

Of course, I have to agree with the other girls. You shouldn't feel sorry at all. And we'll stop by whenever you do feel like posting again.

Wishing the best for you.

Ari said...

I think everyone understands, hon. It's a lot to go through.

Children should be cherished and it always breaks my heart when I see parents who are so selfish. People just don't realize how lucky they are sometimes.


Ari

shari said...

We definitely understand. Just know that we are here. :)

~Gem~ said...

I know this is easy for me to say, but please do take good care of yourself. Don't give up. I understand your feeling of being vulnerable. Please keep in your thought that you're not alone in this. I and the others are thinking of you. We always have each other in bloggerworld.

((Charles)))

Rebecca Anne said...

I wanted to say today, that I hope you are doing well and that I was thinking of you.........
Take care now,
Rebecca

shari said...

Hey Charles! Just stopped by to say I hope you are doing okay. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way. :)

redsneakz said...

Thinking of you, Charles.

Charles said...

Just wanted to say that i'm alright. Got over the initial nausea and indigestion. Not to mention the hiccups I had from some blue pills that supposedly make people bounce off the walls. One things for sure they did keep me up for three days straight.

Thanx for letting me know u cared I really appreciate it. I'm just not where I want to be blogging wise, or living for that matter. maybe its the fatigue I don't know, but I'll be glad when i'm feeling more energetic.

shari said...

Thinking about you, hope you are well.