Thursday, January 08, 2009

The "C" Word

I guess this is an update. I don't even know if i'm going to actually write a post to be honest. My mind hasn't really been into blogging lately. The only thing other than Pogo that has been occupying me is my bout with cancer. Yes the saga continues. I finally got the call from my doctor yesterday, after two and a half of weeks of waiting for him. I was supposed to only wait one and a half of a week. It's pretty annoying waiting like that. There was a lot of "what if's" stomping my brain waiting for the results, and when I finally got the results, I found out that waiting is the exact thing i'm going to have to continue doing.

Last week the doctors secretary called me and told me that I had to give them some more blood, because he forgot one test. So I had to go in last week and "donate". I hate needles!

This week I have to give some more blood. Friday I have to hope and pray that when I give up some more blood, the test show that the cancer in my blood has diminished. Because as of right now, there hasn't been any change. That's right folks, it hasn't gone up, and it hasn't gone down.

Sort of like my life!

Well at least i'm back at work. I have even been doing some walking. I walked a few times to or from work, but I have only walked to and from work once. It's not that I can't, because I think I can. It's just that my family doesn't want me to push it, even though the recovery time from the surgery is just two weeks. It's been nearly two whole months now. I feel fine, with the exception of some pain in a lymph node (which is slowly subsiding). I back at work tossing the bags with the plastic bags 30 feet in the air again, over that wall. I'm lifting those heavy plastic bags with the cans, out of the bins as well. So I definitely think I'm fine. My only problem is that test. Thats all bothers me.

I could tell you how all of these stupid cancer commercials are playing with my mind. You know like the one where they stick the camera down that person's lungs and show they have lung cancer and how most of the time when they catch it, it's already too late. There there's this commercial where this person imagines a doctor come in the room and tells him he has lung cancer, and then comes in and tells him he has heart disease, and a few other potentially fatal illnesses. I could also tell you how I saw this com receipt in my till this afternoon for a ticket that was sold for a concert for this person to see a band called, "As I Lay Dying". I can tell you how all of those are affecting my Psyche right now, but I won't though. I will only say that when I got a booklet for choosing my health care proxy, it said on the front cover that this its for helping me til the end of my life. Can't tell you how much I cried when I saw that one.

Sometimes I just wonder if there IS a evil demon planting these things around me, just to break me. To make me give in and just accept my fate. I won't though! as long as theres a breath in me, I won't give up. I will go to every appointment I have, I will let them prick me with one thousand needles if need be. If I have to go through another surgery fine. Heck I will even go through chemotherapy HEAD HELD UP HIGH! But there is one thing I refuse to do, and thats kneel! Thats why I am walking to work, thats why I was pushing myself to get out of bed and sit in the living room with my dad the same day I had the surgery, and that is why i'm tossing those bags around. Its because I don't want to go easy on myself. I don't want to give in, not even a little.

I just had to vent, a little I know this may push some you away, because you don't know what to say. I understand though, I did the same thing. Even so I feel much better getting this off of my chest.


2writehands said...

That's right. Flip the "c" word the bird! :) You know, I used to have a Pogo addiction. I stopped paying for the account to save some money. But man, those games are like crack!

Rooting for you, as always.

redsneakz said...

Don't give in, don't give up. One of my fraternity brothers is 20 years cancer-free now after testicular cancer.

20 years.

Indigo said...

If someone stops reading your for being honest with what's goin on in your head. It's their loss, not yours hon. In all honesty those commercials bug the heck out of me too. Especially the lung one. I already have a lung disease, thank you very much for reminding mef...

As for the Cancer, the fact it hasn't gone up is a positive, yes, it could go down which would be better. I have several friends that have battled that beast and one of the first things they will tell you is staying positive is half the battle. Take it one day at a time, enjoy the day for what it's worth. Even a healthy person can't guarantee tomorrow. They could get in their car and have a fatal wreck. Cancer is already stealing enough away from you, don't let it steal anymore than it has. Chin up dear one, tomorrows another day. (Hugs)Indigo

Ari said...

Yes! Haha, right on. You keep fighting. I definitely see where you are coming from.

If I can go completely geek on you for a second, think of it as a super secret hard level of life. Like a video game, sorta. You know? You are at a super hard level, but I know you have it all within you to get through it. Just don't take that ninja sword to your doctor's office. I don't think they'd understand. I hope you laughed at that one. ;)


P.s. I really really hope your tests come back okay. I just don't really know how to express it. You are such a sweet kind-hearted person. I'm glad you updated, I worry.

shari said...

I hope the tests come back alright and I pray for God to give you the strength to come through this completely healthy.

Angelia Rian said...

Though I haven't been posting to my own blog often enough, and haven't left you a comment in I can't remember how long, I wanted to say - hang in there... Please... Never *ever* give up... You're in my thoughts and prayers, Charles...

Anonymous said...

**hugs** good thoughts coming your way.

Anonymous said...

thinking about you...sending prayers


Melissa said...

I've just said a prayer for you. I will be following along and watching you grow into an OLD MAN, and then one day I'll read a post from you about how you beat cancer alllll those years ago.

Blessings on you my friend.

Jeannette said...

Charles, I'm so sorry I haven't been around. I thought I'd just drop by to say hi and then I read about your troubles. Just hang in there, your attitude is so right and I know you're going to beat this disease. I'm just praying for you that the cancer in your blood will go down and disappear. Know that I'm keeping you in my prayers and thoughts. Jeannette xx

~Gem~ said...

Hi Charles,
How are you doing lately? I see you posted early in January, how have you been doing? that's the hard part, waiting for an answer. I hope you got the info you needed by now.
I'd love to hear from you more often.
Take care and thinking of 'ya,