Trying to Live

Gosh, I remember I started blogging in may of 2005 on the now defunct AOL Journals. I had a fun time meeting people through there blogs and sharing my life stories with them. Not many of them are left, and to be honest I miss them. Wish I found another way to keep in touch.

Nothing really has changed with me as of late. I am trying to interact with people more in the real world. It's quite hard for me to even say "Hi" to someone. With that said when I am at work I tend to sit with people at a table on break now. I used to just sit at a table alone, because I felt like no one would want to sit with me. Finding out now that, it isn't the case. I isolated myself out of fear, and now it's the fear that I want isolated.

Still playing a lot of Call of Duty. I finally gave in and bought a XBOX 360. I play Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 multiplayer. I'm decent at it. At least I have a positive K/D ratio. The only reason I got the XBOX, was so I could play with my co-workers. I have fun doing that, because they are good people, and they have a very good sense of humor. If anyone ever wants to join me in a party let me know, and I'll give you my gamertags.

Lately, I've been thinking that I haven't lived my life to the fullest. Stayed home away from the chaos of this world and missed out on my youth. I still haven't even gotten my first car yet! I plan on doing this, and I plan on going to Canada to see the Niagara Falls. I know their is also an American side, but I want to go to Canada. Never been to another country before. Want to experience this once in my life. This so called life has seen it's share of pain, but wants to grasp on to happiness now it that's okay with the invisible pain givers. Sometimes I wonder if I am given pain, and sorrow just to torment me, or so it can keep me grounded.  Because anytime I did something good, I always had something equally bad that followed me. You saved a woman from dying by call 911 and giving instructions over the phone...good. Oops now I give you cancer deal with it. You caught a shoplifter excellent. Now I expose your anxiety, and let people exploit it and keep you in fear. Yeah that happened to me. I didn't want to fight back so I tried to avoid it and hope it went away. It didn't, but maybe I'll save this for another day...

Like I said I want to live my life. I don't know how much longer I have here so I want to live. If there is anyone out there like me, who keeps things bottle up, Don't!!! Learn to express your feeling in some way, because if you don't you may miss out on a miracle. Something relevant to you happiness can be right there in front of you, and all you have to do is listen to your heart. I know this because my heart is speaking in volumes, but I keep it bottled up. Trying SO hard to change that right now! LOL their is this young lady I like. I told her how I felt. She rejected me and it hurt, but at least I tried this time. Live life to it's fullest. Don't let petty differences in skin color, moral opinions, and status dictate or control your life. Just don't!

If that is love...

I know some women like the bad guys. Like how they say rebellious things, and in some cases say some mean things to them. Okay I know it's kind of like rugged affection, but sometimes it can become something worse.

Today I was at work. This young couple comes in, and wants to pick up money via Western Union. At first I pay them no mind. Then I here the young man start saying, that the girl isn't treating him right. He says that he's not getting any attention, and that if she doesn't start acting right he will kick her out. She is crying, and he's still berating her. Threatening to kick her out and send her back to her parents house. These are freaking teenagers. The boy seemed immature. It got to the point where I wanted to punch him in his face. Oddly enough the money she got was in her name. Then he asked her to buy him some cigarettes in front of me. I flat out told her that he needs to show me his ID. He pulls out a Benefit card, and I told him flat out that it's not valid ID. Dude throws a freaking temper tantrum Like a kid and runs out the store. He has some issues that I would have been happy to "fix"! As the young lady was leaving I told her that she can do better. I couldn't stand to see her in tears. NO woman deserves to be treated like that. If it were up to me I would have kept her at the store and had her call her parents, because eventually I think the verbal will turn into physical abuse too. That boy has some growing up to do, he has no business being with anyone. I wish I could have done more to help her. I was at least happy I didn't have to sell the jerk any cigarettes. ;)

Expression of Words

Words
Are a common everyday occurrence
Not all words have a special meaning
My words inescapable words
Hurt so much
Not because they are hurtful

I want to share

Something so simple
A Hello
makes me cringe on the inside.
A simple goodbye
makes me want to cry
Laying in my bed
this is what I think about almost every night.

Expressing in words