My Faith In Humanity!

I know what it feels like when a person feels that they are an outcast. Most of my life I have felt that way. People poke fun at the way I walked, talked, and breathed, and I'd struggle just to put one foot in front of the other. Here I am forty years old and I am still struggling. During my youth and young adulthood. I had a hard time understanding how bad things really are in the world. Racism, genocide, and the lack of human compassion. For awhile I believed that everyone had the potential to be thoughtful. I never really SAW how evil people could be until I started being bullied by my neighbors.

I am a shy person. I have for the most part kept my head down and minded my own business because I have never quite fitted in this world and could never relate. Whenever I made eye contact with someone like my neighbors I'd quickly change directions because of my shyness and kept quiet. They thought I was being an ass, but I was actually shy and afraid, because I wasn't good at conversation and I didn't want to seem stupid. Eventually they went on to think of this as my weakness and started verbally attacking me while I was indoors at home and I wouldn't do anything to stop it because I was afraid of what kind of reaction I'd get. Eventually it gotten so worse that I ended up seeking therapy because I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted to take my fears head on and show people that I wasn't slow or stupid, that I actually am a caring person. During that time of risk. I saw some of the worst possible things that we as a species should be ashamed of. I lifted my veil of loud music and tried to break up a fight, and no one came to aid me. It was futile, the police didn't even listen to me when they arrived. I knew which kids jumped the poor kids on the ground and the police didn't even acknowledge me. They kept asking the two kids on the ground if they knew who did this. I was there from the beginning of the the fight to the end trying to know avail to protect those kids. When I stopped the attackers from beating up one, they would go to the other. No one came to help me until after the damage was done. I didn't want to fight the attackers because I stood no chance, I just tried my best (insert futility here) to keep them at bay. That was roughly two years go.

Earlier this year a woman came to my job to pay some bills and purchase some money orders. She was not in good health, and honestly I was surprised that she was standing let alone walking. I felt so sorry for her. I wished in my heart that their was something I could do, so the best thing I did was treated her with dignity. I treated her as person who deserved my respect and I wanted to make her visit a pleasant one.

Why you ask? Because the people in line behind her were talking badly about her. Yes she had a lot of open wounds on her arms and legs, and yes she did look like her time on Earth was coming to an end. However you don't blurt out aloud that somebody looks like they have Aids. That ticked me off, so I wanted to at least make my interaction with her one to remember.

Three years of therapy and I discovered that I may have wasted my time trying to let people in, because all I have is disgust for humanity in general. Their are some kind people out there, but the evil and irresponsible ones are prevailing. Not sure that I want to return to get help, because I have little or no faith left for this world.

Together or not at all

Years ago while during a match of domination on Call of Duty: Black Ops, our team was losing and I was frustrated because my teammates were sitting in our end of the map protecting the C flag. We needed a the B flag to win and I was the only person trying to go for it. It got to the point where I did something out of character. I turned my headset mic on and told them, "We aren't going to win if you sit back in our spawn. I am not going any further than you are anymore. If you want to win we have to do this together". Then something awesome happened. For the first time ever someone took my advice seriously. We took the B flag and held on to our flag and obliterated the enemy team with killstreaks. After the game was over, and we won I heard another player say that he didn't think that I meant what I said and was glad he took chance "this once". It made me happy that day to hear those words.

The reason why I am sharing this story is because here I am once again saying that I won't go any further than people go with me. I am tired of hearing  people suggest that we should hang out and do stuff together and I am willing to put in an effort, but never get updated on the plans. If you want to do something with me follow-up! I don't want to be set up for a let down.