Topsy Turvy

I guess I've been away for some time. Three years since I last posted. This almost seems like I'm  beginning a confession. Well I'm not, well maybe I am at some point, but not what you might think.

What have I been doing these last few years? Well there have been some good, some bad, and some ugly. I don't think that I mention this in my post in 2014, but that year I had a difficult situation which led to a difficult departure, that ended up being a new and difficult beginning.

At my previous job/store (whatever you want to call it) I had been trying to get full-time. A position as a assistant office manager. I applied three times and was passed up every time. I won't go into further details except to say that the things that happened saddened me greatly. I ended up leaving and going to another store where I got full-time. At first it was very hard. I am not good at new things! It is very hard for me to adjust and people didn't like me much at first. I was also having some health issues that people misinterpreted as anger and attitude. Eventually I found my stride and found some acceptance at my current job. I got hired as the full-time clerk at the customer service center. Was in that position for four years, until I finally got my chance. I am now the assistant office manager at the store I work for. I finally started learning something new. At the same time this was happening my former store closed for business. It was my first job. It saddened me and yet it almost seemed like all of what I had been put through was meant to be. If I hadn't been rejected there, I most certainly would have been one of the displace people looking for a new store to work at. Well I guess that worked out for the best. (Go Me!)

Lets see what else has happened ... ... ... Oh yeah I'm an uncle times three! I have two nephews and one niece. My niece liked me from the start. She wasn't unsure of me like my second nephew. The boy kept giving me this look like, "who are you supposed to be". LOL I am somebody, I am somebody...YEP! LOL Now when he sees me he doesn't want me to leave. My niece well I only get to see her once and awhile. My first nephew is a teenager now. He is a young man who is very much into video games like his uncle. He loves himself some Fortnite. I have to try and get him to do some outdoorsy things! Here is $200 can you clean up are backyard. Hmmm maybe that'll work. hehe

I pretty much have accepted that I won't ever find love. Not as long as I have this nagging feeling that I'm like the man that put his hands on my mom when I was a kid, and not as long as I despise myself like I was told that I do. I pretty much have been stuck inside the house doing nothing unless I had to go to work. That is until Pokemon GO was released. I have been obsessed with this game since I started playing it. Hunting for intangible digital pocket monsters in the "wild". I reached the max level in less than two years. Although there are some who had done this much quicker. I may not be the best like no one ever was, but I gotta catch them all (damn you unown). 

I still haven't gotten a car, still haven't been out of state by myself, still haven't let go of my past, still haven't "grown up" I hope that I never grow up! Adulting sucks! I do hope however that I mature so I can live my life to some sort of fullness, before it's too late.

Confession:

I have spent hundreds of dollars on Pokemon go items shop.

I have another side in my head that responds sarcastically when someone says something stupid or does something frustrating. Like spend hundreds of dollars on Pokemon go (idiot).

All of that weight I lost, I gained all back because of my depression. I just recently went on a fast for soda. it's been a week now I think. I originally started drinking energy drinks for energy. I ended up feeling worse. It was like they started working in reverse. as if my body had started compensation for toxicity in my body, which made me feel sluggish. I feel better now!

I went through a fives steps of grief  when I was upset about work, and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty.

Pokemon GO is life! 💓

Blockades

I have barriers! The kind that are intangible. They keep me from connecting to he outside world. They keep ne screaming on the inside. In the They are translucent on the outside, but on the inside there are words.

Reminders

Scars

You are ugly
Your handwriting is ugly
Everything about you is ugly
You are scarred by your bout with cancer  and no woman will ever want to be with you
You can't relate to others so don't bother
You suck at conversation
Nobody likes you
You don't have any reason to live
You should just kill yourself
Nothing special about  you

Constantly reminding me from the moment I awake until I lay down to fall asleep. They get louder when I make contact with people. Notice how I said they. They've seem to taken on a life of their own, living a better life than me.

My Faith In Humanity!

I know what it feels like when a person feels that they are an outcast. Most of my life I have felt that way. People poke fun at the way I walked, talked, and breathed, and I'd struggle just to put one foot in front of the other. Here I am forty years old and I am still struggling. During my youth and young adulthood. I had a hard time understanding how bad things really are in the world. Racism, genocide, and the lack of human compassion. For awhile I believed that everyone had the potential to be thoughtful. I never really SAW how evil people could be until I started being bullied by my neighbors.

I am a shy person. I have for the most part kept my head down and minded my own business because I have never quite fitted in this world and could never relate. Whenever I made eye contact with someone like my neighbors I'd quickly change directions because of my shyness and kept quiet. They thought I was being an ass, but I was actually shy and afraid, because I wasn't good at conversation and I didn't want to seem stupid. Eventually they went on to think of this as my weakness and started verbally attacking me while I was indoors at home and I wouldn't do anything to stop it because I was afraid of what kind of reaction I'd get. Eventually it gotten so worse that I ended up seeking therapy because I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted to take my fears head on and show people that I wasn't slow or stupid, that I actually am a caring person. During that time of risk. I saw some of the worst possible things that we as a species should be ashamed of. I lifted my veil of loud music and tried to break up a fight, and no one came to aid me. It was futile, the police didn't even listen to me when they arrived. I knew which kids jumped the poor kids on the ground and the police didn't even acknowledge me. They kept asking the two kids on the ground if they knew who did this. I was there from the beginning of the the fight to the end trying to know avail to protect those kids. When I stopped the attackers from beating up one, they would go to the other. No one came to help me until after the damage was done. I didn't want to fight the attackers because I stood no chance, I just tried my best (insert futility here) to keep them at bay. That was roughly two years go.

Earlier this year a woman came to my job to pay some bills and purchase some money orders. She was not in good health, and honestly I was surprised that she was standing let alone walking. I felt so sorry for her. I wished in my heart that their was something I could do, so the best thing I did was treated her with dignity. I treated her as person who deserved my respect and I wanted to make her visit a pleasant one.

Why you ask? Because the people in line behind her were talking badly about her. Yes she had a lot of open wounds on her arms and legs, and yes she did look like her time on Earth was coming to an end. However you don't blurt out aloud that somebody looks like they have Aids. That ticked me off, so I wanted to at least make my interaction with her one to remember.

Three years of therapy and I discovered that I may have wasted my time trying to let people in, because all I have is disgust for humanity in general. Their are some kind people out there, but the evil and irresponsible ones are prevailing. Not sure that I want to return to get help, because I have little or no faith left for this world.

Together or not at all

Years ago while during a match of domination on Call of Duty: Black Ops, our team was losing and I was frustrated because my teammates were sitting in our end of the map protecting the C flag. We needed a the B flag to win and I was the only person trying to go for it. It got to the point where I did something out of character. I turned my headset mic on and told them, "We aren't going to win if you sit back in our spawn. I am not going any further than you are anymore. If you want to win we have to do this together". Then something awesome happened. For the first time ever someone took my advice seriously. We took the B flag and held on to our flag and obliterated the enemy team with killstreaks. After the game was over, and we won I heard another player say that he didn't think that I meant what I said and was glad he took chance "this once". It made me happy that day to hear those words.

The reason why I am sharing this story is because here I am once again saying that I won't go any further than people go with me. I am tired of hearing  people suggest that we should hang out and do stuff together and I am willing to put in an effort, but never get updated on the plans. If you want to do something with me follow-up! I don't want to be set up for a let down.

Better Place!

I have been battling with mental illness my whole life. I have been in an out of therapy, and I even went to emergency once because of a panic attack. I have posted things about how I feel and a few people suggested that I get some help. Well guess what I have done just that.

 It's the reason why I was able to go and sign up with Planet Fitness. It's the reason why I lost so much weight, and it's the reason why I am starting to be able to step outside my comfort zone. Granted it is NOT easy, and I do have moments where I slip, but I get right up on that saddle and keep on riding. I have been reading a book about cognitive thinking at the behest of my therapist, and I really think its helping me. Maybe I will get into more detail about it some other time. I have been talking to people more, sharing my feelings and even asking women out (although I have been turned down LOL). Also I have applied for an assistant manager position at work that I was more than qualified for, but that is a story for another time too. In any case something else opened up and I finally got full-time and a raise at a different location. Basically the same thing that I am doing now, but better benefits (sweet :). Also less responsibility than that assistant manager position too! 

Now I am focused on trying to find who "Charles" is. I always agreed when my opinions differed with others, I never spoke up when people put me down, and I always doubted myself when I wanted something better for my life. I feel so much better! I don't feel so lost and alone anymore. I can honestly say that although I still want to find the love of my life, I am content to be on my own now. I feel hope for the first time ever, and I'm going to get a car! Hehehe. If their is anyone reading this trust me! Believe in yourself. If you don't believe in anything else believe in you! DON'T let anyone ever put you down, because if they try, than you are better them! I know it's cliche, but if I can do it so can you. :-)

Poem I wrote as I was walking home from work. (Can't think of a name for it)

I make a mistake

A memory of a similar situation enters my thoughts.

It fragments

Latches onto other mistakes

Failures and disappointments

All of which continue to plague me

In chains

One by one

They line up and smack me in the face

Freeze my body encased

in a fit of fear

That is like ice

Become so cold

Unlike

The person I would like to be

Will someone or something release me

Please

Wordless Wednesday