Am I Thinking That?

Escaping Reality

2011-10-21T08:42:00.004-04:00

Yeah, it's been awhile...Again!

I haven't posted, I won't give any excuses, as I don't have any really. I've been spending my free time playing video games as of late. Not that I don't have anything better to do, because I have tons of stuff better to do. Lately, I've just been having a hard time dealing with reality. Instead of facing the struggles I've been having with myself, and low self-esteem. I've been just coming home, and staying hidden within my home. Mainly within the dark confines of my bedroom.

Work, Home, Sleep, with video gaming thrown somewhere in between. To be honest, I have a difficult time in the "real world". Social situations, life in the ghetto, No friends to speak of really. I even recently pushed some family members away, because of my battle with anxiety. The only real thing I have been enjoying is video gaming. And its not so real is it?

While I'm sitting here righting, I'm debating on whether or not to even publish this.

So many emotions, so many disappointments, and so many fears. The real reason I didn't want to post anything, is because of what I had to post...this.

Will I click "Publish Post"?

This one is for Trish

2011-02-04T16:33:00.002-05:00

Sorry Trish I've been away for awhile. I know I said that I was going to blog consistently, but I had to get ready for my math course for the spring semester at the college I'm attending. Also I'm not the only one using the computer. My nephew, and my sisters are on it regularly too. I plan on getting a Laptop soon so hopefully I can blog whenever I feel like it :). Then again I also will have to pry myself from Call Of Duty: Black Ops. I've been obsessed with that game ever since I bought it. The online multi-player is awesome, aside from other players telling me I suck, or using bad language and racial slurs.

Normally I do my taxes on my own with the simple forms because well...my life is simple, but not this year. Hook me up with calculator and pen and no problem, but I sold some of my savings bonds, and I needed a little help. One exception though, I had my taxes done last year by this free tax service called C.A.S.H. I was going to do the same this year but I didn't qualify, because I sold said bonds. There was no way in H. E. Double Hockey Sticks (did I just type that???) I was going to some tax business and be charged $300 to do my taxes!!! I had felt so overwhelmed, because of it I kind of took it out on my mother when she said she would help me. Sorry about that mom, I didn't mean to. Love you (Hugs). I ended up buying Turbo Tax yesterday. Froze my A Double Snakes (yep I said it) at the busstop in waiting for the bus for like a half an hour. My furging feet (heh) were hurting so, but its okay, because in the end Turbo Tax was worth it. I got my taxes done and E-Filed, and I will have my Federal Taxes with eight days. Plus I also was able to finish my Financial Aid now that I got my taxes done. Now all I have to worry about is passing that Dang math course. Wish me luck

"This blog has been edited for explicit content." heh

Just when you think...

2010-12-18T12:50:00.003-05:00

I went to my urologists office the other day, and it was supposed to be my last visit for a year. I was supposed to hear that, correction...I wanted to hear that everything is alright. I wanted to hear the words that I don't have to have another CT scan for a year. Instead I was told that they found an abnormality on my chest CT. He wanted me to get another CT scan in three months, but stupidly I agreed with the doctor and told him that I had not been feeling well at the time of the scan. He said I may have had a pneumonia. He moved it up to six months. Now I'm playing the waiting game again. My mother told me not to worry and not to stress, but I'm not so sure I can. I don't know if a pneumonia can last weeks, I do know that my chest hurts on the left side. It feels better than before, but it feels kind of heavy, and it hurts when I breathe. I'm not as stressed as I am scared. Its kind of ironic that now I desperately want a CT scan..

Which would you choose?

2010-11-08T21:39:00.005-05:00

Which would you rather lose? In real life, you would have to choose one or the other. You can't choose to keep them both, and in some cases you could lose it all. Which would you choose? Would you chose to lose your vision, or your hearing?

If you chose your vision, it would mean losing your ability to see. You would lose so much more than the ability of preventing yourself from walking into things. You'd lose the ability to see your family, and friends. You'd lose the ability to see the love of your life. You wouldn't be able to see a sunset or a sunrise. There wouldn't be anymore autumn leaves. No more stars in the night sky. You'd miss seeing your children grow into adults. Seeing birds fly would be a thing of the past. Going blind we could miss seeing countless things. All you would have of these are memories stuck the same way for the rest of your life. Even then they may be come abstract because over time you could forget how they looked.

If you chose your hearing, it would mean losing your ability to hear. You would lose so much more than the ability to hear things approach you. You wouldn't be able to hear your love ones say I love you. You wouldn't be able to hear the bird calls, or a baby coo. You wouldn't be able to hear your favorite music. Waterfalls and raindrops would seem to keep falling forever with no end in sight. Even the occasional wind blowing is nice every once and awhile. I remember watching a segment on Good Morning America awhile back about a young girl who had lost her hearing in one ear from a condition, and she had to have surgery to fix a problem and it was going to cost her the hearing in her other ear. I remember them saying that she played a song over and over again because she wanted to remember it. It was an inspirational song. It was an inspirational story.

What if you didn't have either ability. Their is this book in high school I read. It is about a girl who lost both her hearing and vision at a very early age. A woman taught her words by writing letters with her fingers onto the child's hand. I never really wanted to read the book because It was a homework assignment, but now, I think I will go to borders and find the book about Helen Keller.

You never know one day you may wake up and you may have lost one of your senses. Don't take them for granted. Don't stay on the computer for hours at a time. Don't blast your music until your ears start ringing. It may not bother you now, but think fifteen years from now.

I need you!!

2010-11-06T15:23:00.003-04:00

It's been awhile since we mingled. I saw you from a distance but had nothing to say. Every time I'd look at you I'd think I can't!!! All enthusiasm I had for you had been lost. Trying to let you in became a chore so I eventually gave up. But now because of unforeseen circumstances, I need you. I need you badly. These last few years have been challenging and I don't know what I'd do without you my blog. I'm Back!!!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-17T20:50:00.004-04:00

For Jeanette

2010-01-10T20:43:00.002-05:00

If it wasn't for you Jeanette, I probably wouldn't have ever posted another blog entry again. She inspired me to do another post by leaving a comment for me. Well I have some stories (boy do I) but I'm not going to tell them at present time. This is just an update (yaaaay!?!)

Yep I'm still around. I have been poked and prodded countless times. I've drunk more of that CT contrast in the past year than plain water. I've given more blood for tests than the average person donates, but I'm cool. I'm not scared of needles anymore!!! Still though the thought of having had cancer bothered me, and left me a little depressed. Didn't feel like doing much of anything, and if it wasn't for my Step-Mom, Dad (especially DAD), Aunts and Cousins, I don't think I would have made it through it all. My nephew is four years old about to start pre-school. He is a very charismatic little boy. His smile is so infectious that he makes me smile. I may not be his favorite uncle, but He's my favorite Nephew (My only Nephew LOL). I think if he taught me anything its that I need to do things no matter how tired or sick I feel. When he wants me for something I'll get up for the most part. Not only am I lucky that he had a hand in saving my life, but I'm also very fortunate to watch him grow up to be a young man.

I must confess though Jeanette, there is another reason why (a big reason even though it may seem a little childish) I stopped blogging. While I was out from work recovering from my surgery, one of my cousins got me hooked on an online video game website called Club Pogo. I got so hooked in fact that I once spent a nearly a whole day and night on the sight playing games. In fact I made it my goal to get every weekly badge of 2009 and achieved it. Kind of like my tribute to being a cancer survivor.

Another reason I considering ending "Am I thinking that" is because I'm in the process of starting a new more positive challenge in my life. One that doesn't require me dropping my pants for a testicular and lymph node exam. I Charles W. will officially become a college student January 25th. I'm getting tired of my current job. Can't deal with the complaints, the drama, and the managers.

I need a change of pace, so I think I'd rather endure being a student, and being around a crowd of people even though I get uneasy around crowds.

I'd rather get a better paying job...a career instead of being degraded by by people who try to get away with scams, or get upset with me because they can't get there way.

I'd rather try and succeed as a student rather than cower and fail. Ever since my life threatening ordeal, I've been thinking about this. After I had an incident at work recently I acted on my need to make my life better. I've gotten my financial aid, now all I need to do is get pick my classes with the help of an adviser, and go to orientation and them I'm a college student.

Well that's what I'm up to right now. I'll be stopping by to visit anyone still around like you Jeanette.

P.S. I love spellcheck :P

very unstimulating day

2009-08-11T20:03:00.003-04:00

Just got home from work and whew..., its been a long day. Today some kind of stimulus package for parents on food stamps who had children in school. Those parents got $200 a per child. I had one lady who claims she got $1000 for her kids.

When I was a kid food stamps were given out as paper money, today its done on whats called and EBT card. The cash was given to the parents on those EBT cards, and an unforeseen side-effect occurred because of this.

People with those benefit cards came to my job with one mission... to get that money off of those cards (do you see where i'm going with this???). A a customer with these cards can go to our ATM's with there cards, because they accept QWEST, and those benefit cards are QWEST cards. The only problem is that over 70% of these people had cards that had damaged magnetic strips, so they couldn't swipe them in our ATM's. So they did the next best thing. They went through our lines and bought an item (gum, candy bar, etc.), and got $50 over off there card. This however wasn't just being done at our store. This was being done at every Store in the greater Rochester area, and in turn our EFT (Electronic funds transfer) machines went offline. While this happening I was helping a customer who was trying to get her fifty dollars. I had to hand type her number in. When I did my register told me that I was offline and I couldn't complete the transaction. Funny thing though, the damn register DID process the transaction, and took $50.54 from her account. I had to call to get some help from our corporate office. Had to fill out some form and call and give them the info. It took almost an hour to get a person, and 10 minutes to finish giving them the info.

When I was finished I got a call from the assistant office manager telling me not to process anymore cash transactions from EBT cards because we were nearly depleted of money. People were coming in just for the money stimulus money.

My co-worker and I think that the whole idea of this stimulus package for school students was pointless. The parents aren't going to spend the money on there children. Lets be real here, yes some of them will, but not all of them. I had one lady buy a pack of cigarettes with her money. Someone bought a case of beer. Its very very frustrating. Governor Patterson had good intentions, but people are going to take advantage of it.

First time ever i'd be happy....

2009-07-20T21:04:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow the Watchmen movie will go on sale, and I was thinking about Wal-Mart's policy regarding explicit material. Back when I used to like rap, I hated this policy, because the prices on music were cheap, but the bleeps or clean alternatives were annoying.

I remember when I went to see the Watchmen, and I thought it was a pretty good movie say one exception. I didn't want to see Dr. Manhattan's "assets". Not only did the thought of seeing it gross me out, but at the same time kind of made me jealous (LMAO). Seriously though No one wants to see that. For the first time ever I think i'd be happy if something I want is edited.

I'm not the only one either! I remember after the movie, I went and sat at the busstop and this guy, that also saw the movie in the same theater as me tried to start a conversation with me. He kept saying he liked the movie, but he didn't want to see Dr. Manhattans "privacies". I totally agreed with him, but he kept saying it over and over again. When he finally realized that I was either traumatized or indiffrent toward him (the latter), he called someone on his phone and started telling them over and over. It got to the point where I thought he was either jealous of how well endowed that CGI character was or he was homophobic. The fact that he was talking really loud gave it away.

So when I get the chance i'm happily going to Wal-Mart to check and see if there is an edited version, and happily buy it if there is.

"No Blue Pipe, No Blue Pipe."

->Old<- people can be blunt!

2009-06-04T16:29:00.002-04:00

LOL

I was at work this week and I was cashing a customers Social Security check, and she asked me how long i've been working at my job. So I tell her, "Eleven years, Since '98". The she goes on to say, "I figured as much, because when I first saw you, you hadn't lost your hair." So now because of another older person, I now want to either get hair restoration or a tupee. Or find a way to go completely bald. LMAO

The other customer, well I put on some weight over the years, and he noticed and called me fat.

Someday (Soon I hope)

2009-05-06T08:44:00.002-04:00

You came to my job... it made me so happy...
Looking so beautiful in that white dress. We sat down on a bench outside and held hands. It felt so nice and so right. Never had this feeling before. This closeness, it felt so right and so nice. When I looked into your eyes I knew I just wanted to stay there forever. We cuddled and something felt wrong, like I was being pulled away. I didn't want to go, but I had no choice. It felt so real that day, and now I can't let go. I woke up from that dream and hurt a little, but at least it was a happy one. Someday I hope it just seems like a dream...

Love... the Miracle

Rule #4 Accept that there are things you can't control

2009-04-18T12:48:00.004-04:00

Ever since the testicular cancer my eyes have been open to some things that over the years I've refused to accept, because I thought I was above them.

I thought I could continue to eat and drink all of my favorite junk foods without any repercussions.

I thought that i'd never get a serious illness or disorder of any kind.

I thought I could survive without letting others in.

I thought I'd never have to go see a doctor about anything.

Its funny, it when I went to see the movie "Knowing" with Nicholas Cage it was the catalyst that made me realize that I had about as much control over the growth in my right testicle, as I do with my involuntary bodily functions. Heck, there are times where I can barely put one foot in front of the other without tripping over them. At the end of that film it made me realize that everyone will die. My time can come a years from now, days from now, or even while i'm typing this post. When it happens I won't have no control of it. I may not even have time to accept it, so I guess I have to learn to accept that it will eventually come. I have to accept that there are some things I just can't control.

Sure we find ways to cope, like eating too much. Escaping the world by listening to music real loud. I once read an article about domestic violence that said that abusive men hit there women, because they have no control over there lives. I watched a man do this to my mom when I was a child and I couldn't do nothing to stop it, and in some sense even though it has stopped for nearly 15 years, I'm still paying for his mistakes. Its hard for me to let a woman into my life. I want to fall in love, its just sometimes i'm afraid that I will end up like him and abuse the love of my life. I wouldn't want to do that, I wouldn't want to be that. I would kill myself before I let it happen, but whose to say that I would even have control of it. I constantly have to remind myself that i'm not him and that I wasn't responsible for his actions. It wasn't my fault that he hit my mom and I couldn't protect her because I was only a child. I have to accept that I couldn't control there decisions. Her decision to stay with him, and his for beating on her.

Now if I can only eat those grapes instead of that cake.

I'm alright for the most part!

2009-03-14T09:21:00.005-04:00

I just wanted to post and say that i'm fine!

I made it through the chemotherapy in one piece. I had a few side-effects. Most of it was indigestion. It felt like gas was going to burst out of my mouth. Then there was the toxic feeling. I mean I felt like a toxic waste dump. Only way I can explain it. Sometimes I would (still do) wake up with this weird taste in my mouth. I also had some nausea, and I would have threw up once...well at least I would have, if i had food in my stomach. I did go through the motion of throwing up, but I hadn't ate anything the night before. When I did eat I could only eat a little. Couldn't stomach more that bite fulls at a time. Funny thing was that I was really hungry. Then there was the lack of sleep. The first night I wasn't going to sleep because of these five blue pills that were given to me. Some kind of stimulant that could possibly have me bouncing off of the walls. Instead they kept me up all night. Didn't get any sleep for three days. I cried cause I was so tired and so weak. The fourth day after my chemo treatment, I called into work, because I was so tired, and because that was the day I puked up nothing. And this folks was from one dose of chemo. One potent dose yes, but one dose!

I remember one day I started out trying to walk to work and I made it to a bus stop as a bus was coming and I decided to catch it, because I felt winded. Then when walked to work from a bus stop that was maybe 1000 feet from my job I got winded again. When I walked inside I was so tired. I walked up to the service desk to say hi, and I ended up plopping my head on the counter top. I think my manager and her assistant both thought I walked to work from home, but I didn't at all that week.

As for the testicular cancer its gone, well at least thats what half of the test says (LOL). When my oncologist had a AFP test taken, he found that I had tested positive for both types of testicular cancer (Seminoma and Non-Seminoma). The tumor that was removed was seminoma. Yet after the surgery and these last few months, i've still been testing positive for the Non-Seminoma type. They don't know why I have that tumor marker in my blood, because I don't have any other tumors in my body from the looks of the Cat Scans and X-rays. I guess all they know is that its rare, and that my oncologist only have two patients with this condition. The doctor at Urology office told me that he only see one patient a year with this reading. I guess I was the one patient last year (LOL). My Urologists said that for whatever reason having that blood marker is normal for me.

I guess i'm fine for the most part. I won't lie. I'm a pretty much down right now. I bought Resident Evil Five for my Playstation 3, and I don't even feel like playing it. Heck the only thing I really feel like doing at all is playing club pogo, and chilling with my family. I missed out on alot, didn't see my cousins grow into young men and women. I Kind of regret that. I wish I could make up to them, especially since they gave me support during my bout with testicular cancer.

I'm sorry

2009-02-04T16:43:00.005-05:00

Let me just say first that I'm sorry that I haven't posted and update in awhile. Its not that anything bad has happened to me, its just that I haven't felt like blogging. Not when I have to make an huge effort at it. Heck, I haven't even felt like watching TV, and I only saw tiny bits and pieces of the Super Bowl, so you know that something is wrong with me. Well I'm feeling down. Not depressed mind you, just feeling down. Some days where I want to just disappear and then there some days where I want to just cry.

Not just because of the surgery, but because of what it made me realize. I'm not as invincible as I may have perceived. You know how people think. They think they are on top of the world and there $h!t don't stink. Well I lost some of that years ago, but after the surgery I feel even more vulnerable. I used to think I was very healthy. Before the cancer, the most serious illness I had was the chicken pox at the age of 18. Now here I am wondering if the cancer will come back again. Alas I am but a mere mortal!!! Sucks...

Secondly I don't have to get radiation, but I DO have to get one 1 hour dose of chemo (carboplatin), on Friday February 6th. Let me emphasize that its only one dose, and its not that I need to (well I NEED TO personally), its that I want to, because it decreases the chances of cancer returning in any shape or form. Sure there are side-effects, and sure the treatment is worse than the disease, but in the long run my life is more important to me than temporary side-effects. Although the thought of having my blood count diminished is a little disturbing. Then theres that possibility of not having any children...um Yeah....

I decided not to bank any sperm though. I'm going to be blunt when I say this, but I wouldn't feel comfortable masterbating, especially in a public place where you are encouraged to do so with books... It would make me feel so uneasy. So I will just pray for a miracle. I can always adopt someday I guess. I'm sure there are alot of children out there who need parents, but still there is still that selfishness of wanting ones own. Which is why I don't understand how this one customer I had last year was talking down about how he wish he never had kids, because he have to pay child support. it really pissed me off. Then a month or so into my return to work I see him again, and he's complaining on a phone to someone because he can't go out with some woman, because she has kids and she can't find a babysitter. I heard him say, that she shouldn't have had kids. I had this pain in my abdomen that I get when I get stressed. But I wasn't stressed, I was extremely demoralized. I just don't understand how people who don't want kids can have them, and people like me who want kids and are about to go through or have gone through a painful, sorrowful procedure, that will possibly end our hopes of fathering children. I just don't understand that. Its just not fair. This is why I don't feel like blogging anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a break.

The "C" Word

2009-01-08T00:41:00.002-05:00

I guess this is an update. I don't even know if i'm going to actually write a post to be honest. My mind hasn't really been into blogging lately. The only thing other than Pogo that has been occupying me is my bout with cancer. Yes the saga continues. I finally got the call from my doctor yesterday, after two and a half of weeks of waiting for him. I was supposed to only wait one and a half of a week. It's pretty annoying waiting like that. There was a lot of "what if's" stomping my brain waiting for the results, and when I finally got the results, I found out that waiting is the exact thing i'm going to have to continue doing.

Last week the doctors secretary called me and told me that I had to give them some more blood, because he forgot one test. So I had to go in last week and "donate". I hate needles!

This week I have to give some more blood. Friday I have to hope and pray that when I give up some more blood, the test show that the cancer in my blood has diminished. Because as of right now, there hasn't been any change. That's right folks, it hasn't gone up, and it hasn't gone down.

Sort of like my life!

Well at least i'm back at work. I have even been doing some walking. I walked a few times to or from work, but I have only walked to and from work once. It's not that I can't, because I think I can. It's just that my family doesn't want me to push it, even though the recovery time from the surgery is just two weeks. It's been nearly two whole months now. I feel fine, with the exception of some pain in a lymph node (which is slowly subsiding). I back at work tossing the bags with the plastic bags 30 feet in the air again, over that wall. I'm lifting those heavy plastic bags with the cans, out of the bins as well. So I definitely think I'm fine. My only problem is that test. Thats all bothers me.

I could tell you how all of these stupid cancer commercials are playing with my mind. You know like the one where they stick the camera down that person's lungs and show they have lung cancer and how most of the time when they catch it, it's already too late. There there's this commercial where this person imagines a doctor come in the room and tells him he has lung cancer, and then comes in and tells him he has heart disease, and a few other potentially fatal illnesses. I could also tell you how I saw this tickets.com com receipt in my till this afternoon for a ticket that was sold for a concert for this person to see a band called, "As I Lay Dying". I can tell you how all of those are affecting my Psyche right now, but I won't though. I will only say that when I got a booklet for choosing my health care proxy, it said on the front cover that this its for helping me til the end of my life. Can't tell you how much I cried when I saw that one.

Sometimes I just wonder if there IS a evil demon planting these things around me, just to break me. To make me give in and just accept my fate. I won't though! as long as theres a breath in me, I won't give up. I will go to every appointment I have, I will let them prick me with one thousand needles if need be. If I have to go through another surgery fine. Heck I will even go through chemotherapy HEAD HELD UP HIGH! But there is one thing I refuse to do, and thats kneel! Thats why I am walking to work, thats why I was pushing myself to get out of bed and sit in the living room with my dad the same day I had the surgery, and that is why i'm tossing those bags around. Its because I don't want to go easy on myself. I don't want to give in, not even a little.

I just had to vent, a little I know this may push some you away, because you don't know what to say. I understand though, I did the same thing. Even so I feel much better getting this off of my chest.

A real quick thought

2008-12-24T11:31:00.002-05:00

I was reading the scrolling news on Good Morning America this morning and I saw that they plan on using the same bible that was used to swear Abraham Lincoln into his presidency. It occurred to me then that although Abraham Lincoln did do good by freeing the slaves, he was also assassinated.

Aren't we just tempting fate here a little. Obama is the first black President in the history of the United States, and like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. he is making history. It just seem like a bad omen. Is it me or does anyone else feel the same way???

More Good News

2008-12-20T10:29:00.003-05:00

Well kind of, I won't be sure for another two weeks, and even then there's a catch if the news becomes bad.

Well the semi-good news is that the specialist I saw told me that he didn't think that I needed radiation therapy. He said he thinks the reason my lymph node in my abdomen (actually in groin), is because of a sore in on my right leg. he asked to look at my leg and told him about my bad ankle. He then said that it could be the cause. Then he went to explain to me the type of testicular cancer I had. He told me that there are two types of testicular cancer; seminoma, and nonseminoma. He said my case was strange, because I had seminoma, but it my blood markers were reading as nonseminoma. Weird, and I guess that is why he doesn't want to rule out the possibility of my possible bad news.

The bad news is, that I may have to get chemotherapy instead of radiation treatment if the cancer levels in my blood haven't gone down or gone away. If they remain the same, or if they increase, then I will have to have chemotherapy. I'm hoping for good news. It's giving me the chills thinking about going through chemotherapy. I know even less about that, compared to radiation therapy, but I do know it makes you sick and weak, and I really would like to avoid that possibility. So I have to play the waiting game again and wait for the doctor to come back from his vacation. In January I also have to get a chest x-ray done before I go and see him. Not to mention the one I have to have done February for the urologists that performed my orchiectomy.

Even though all this is happening to me right now, I can say happily that I am in good spirits. My brother is home and that's a plus. Even when he won't be here I'll still be happy. Life is short, and we don't know how much time we have on Earth with our families. Might as well live while you can, and I think I am going to do that now.

I'm so happy...

2008-12-16T23:11:00.002-05:00

My brother is coming home for Christmas. Yipeeeee! He's gonna be here for a whole two weeks, so I hope we can make some time to do some things (my body willing). I've missed him so much, ever since he left I was kind of down. I didn't get to go and see him when my family went to see his graduation from basic training. I'm going to give him a bear hug, and I don't care if i'm not totally healed yet. I remember how I said how the beginning of this year was the best i've had in a long time, and then things like upsetting my bro started changing my opinion about this year. Then I get with cancer and such, but my little brother is coming home albeit for two weeks, so these two weeks will be the happiest of this year, and that's good in itself.

I'm sure that he'll be by my side when I get my radiation treatments. It would take a natural/unnatural disaster of some kind to keep my bro from supporting me. Even if I said no, he'd still come and support me. That's the kind of brother I have, and I love him for that. I wonder if him and I could get some video game time in for old time sakes (LOL).

I'm so happy because i'm back at work. I'm not at 100% and i'm not sure if my body will ever be the same again, but i'm sure happy to actually be doing something other than sitting at home playing video games (contradicting the previous paragraph I know I know but its with my bro), or watching t.v., or staring at the walls. I missed some of my co-workers, I missed some of my regular customers, heck I missed the smell of baking bread on Sunday mornings. I may not be up to specs yet, but some of the smiles I received yesterday and today gave me the strength to carry on as if I were. I just hope I won't get too weak that I won't have to miss anymore time away from work.

Ever since that nurse tried to draw some blood from my left arm and failed causing a bruise, i've been trying to drink more and more water. Another nurse said that it helps widen the veins. Didn't know that so i've been drinking me some water.

You know I know this radiation stuff is serious and all, but I've been thinking a lot about what will happen when they make me "glow" um down there.... Will I lose my hair. I mean I don't mind losing my hair on my head, because i'm already going bald. I just don't want to lose my manly hair, man. Me Charles beast (beating hands against chest like gorilla). Am I thinking that??? Seriously though I really did think about that a lot. What i'm really hoping for is some super powers. Like a Radio Active spider biting me giving me super-strength proportionate to the strength of a spider, the ability to crawl on walls, and a sixth sense that warns me of impending danger, and lets not forget the ability to spin silk webs, as long as it comes out of my arms and not out of my butt!

It was...

2008-12-05T09:57:00.013-05:00

I'm just going to say it. It was Testicular Cancer. After I talked with the doctor on Monday November 24th, he didn't pull no punches and was straight forward with me. On the day of the his examination, he told me that from his experience, he had a feeling it was, and that I was going to have to get my right testicle removed. I was so scared that I faded into my own little world and stopped hearing what the doctor said, just like on TV. When I finally came back to reality, I heard him say that there is over a 90% cure rate for this type of cancer. When he left the room I talked a little to my dad. I cried a little too. I was upset because I wanted to be a father someday. My dad reassured me that everything will be fine because I still have the one on the left. I was just emotional and too irrational to think. I guess it was because I was scared.

This was serious! It is the most challenging experience in my life to date. I didn't exactly grasp the seriousness of my situation, until my doctor told me that he was going to perform my surgery within three days. They had to make emergency appointments so I could get blood-work (still have bruises), and CT scans (both on November 25th) on my abdomen pelvis and Thorax (I guess). That CT scan was an adventure in itself. I had to drink two large cups of contrast with fruit punch in it. I could have drunk less, but it would have required me too have the contrast shot into my behind (no way no how). I had to save a little bit of the second cup until I went to the room with the CT scanner. There I drank it and then they put an IV with the contrast into my arm. The nurse told me that I would feel a warm sensation, but she didn't tell me that the IV contrast would give me a sudden urge to go. There I was lying on the table holding my breath when the machine told me to and holding my urine in at the same time trying not to give in to either. As soon as I was done the nurse tried explaining something to me, but I told her I had to GO NOW, and darted for the restroom.

November 26th was the day of my orchiectomy surgery. I really had no time to accept that I was going to lose my testicle or remind myself that I once said I would rather die than have surgery. I just willed myself out of bed and just chalked it up as something that had to be done. I had to be at the hospital at 9am, but my surgery wasn't until around 1pm. When I got there I was taken to a room, where I had to take all of my clothes off and put on a gown and footsies. Then I had an IV put into the back of my left hand, and eventually rolled to a pre-surgery wing. My dad and I sat there for over two hours, but my dad had someone to talk to. There was a nurse there who liked golf as much as my dad did, so they passed the time nicely. When the doctor finally came he asked me what kind of music I liked. I told him Amel Larriuex and he said he never heard of her. He then went on to tell me about some jazz legends and eventually asked if I had any questions. I asked him if they were removing my right testicle why did he have to remove it from the right, just below my waist. The doctor told me that the reason for removing it from that area rather than the scrotum is, because I guess there are lymph nodes in that area and they wanted to check to see if they were infected as well. After the doctor explained it he said he'd see me soon (LOL I didn't see him). I met the anesthesiologists who had me sign a consent form and explained some side-effects of anesthesia. Afterwards they we started heading towards the operating room. Just after we left the pre-surgery room they let me hug my dad and some of my family that were with me before I had to go to the operating room. About half way to the operating room the anesthesiologists said, "I noticed you are very tense, so I am going to give you something through your IV to calm you down a little". He did then we continued on. We got to and intersection where there was a room on the left. They rolled me to the right of and then started backing me up towards what was probably the operating room. I don't know, because as soon as they started rolling me backwards I blacked out!

As soon as I blacked out, I woke back up. At least that was how it seemed to me. I awoke in the post-surgical area. I was a little groggy so whoever it was that tried to wake me up left and came back 20 minutes later, and rolled me over towards the door I would eventually be leaving through. Someone (don't remember) asked me if I was feeling alright. I said I was okay but I was in some pain. She gave me two vicodin pills and some apple juice to swallow it with. A couple of hours later she asked me if I think I was ready to go. I said yeah, and she sent someone to get my dad for me. Then this guy named Terry came and helped me get dressed. He did most of the work for me, because honestly it hurt to move anything. Terry then helped me into a wheel chair and my father showed up. He asked me if I was alright told him yeah, and the nurse asked my dad if he wanted to go and get his car and park it by the front ramp of hospital. My dad agreed and left and I just had to wait for Terry to come back and roll me downstairs. Before I left though I got a parting gift. Something called a Scrotum Support. I guess it lifts and hold whats left of my scrotum to ease some of the pain. Let me just say that jock strap like contraption didn't help much alone. Before I got into my dad's car, Terry gave me a towel and told me put it in between my legs and lift a little because it helps...and it did too! Then I went on my merry little way to my dad's house and slept there for a week. Over the course of that week, I was writhing in pain and hunched over like an old man. I was alive, and I guess that's a good thing right.

Here I am on December 5th, back at home, sitting at the computer desk writing this post. I'm still in pain, but i'm feeling better for the most part. I can't walk or stand long but I can get around a little. I've been however forbidden to go upstairs unless I have to go to the bathroom. Can't go to my bedroom. Just sleeping on the couch. At least my mom saved me some Thanksgiving dinner. Boy was I looking forward to it.

December 3rd was my post-op appointment. I went there knowing that it was already cancer. The doctor was certain of it, so I didn't have to worry about getting my hopes up. No surprise as the doctor told me what I've already came to expect. I had testicular cancer, however it didn't spread to anywhere other than the right testicle. Although after the doctor told me this he told me that I have "a swollen lymph node in my abdomen". Then he proceeded to hit me with a double whammie that I DIDN'T see coming. He told me that I would have to get radiation treatment, and then he told me that it would most likely make my other remaining testicle a useless sterile shell. Hearing that I probably won't be able to have kids has hurt me more than the surgery. The doctor then gave me this pamphlet on sperm storage. I've been hit with all of this so fast that my brain is running circles around me. I've never had to make decisions like this before in my life, and I never had to expose myself this much either. I haven't yet fully grasp the situation i'm in yet, heck I still haven't come to terms with the surgery. (Screaming as loud as I can) I had to remove my right testicle! At least I have my family though. I don't think it was a coincidence that I reunited with my dad and my aunts and uncle on his side of my family. They have all been supportive of me. Especially my dad. He helped me into the house on the first day. Helped me put on that scrotum support thingy, and he helped me to the bathroom when I had to go. He also made sure I took my antibiotics when it was time too. If it weren't for my family, I guess I be in even worse shape than I am in now huh??!!!

It may be too personal, but it must be said!

2008-11-20T00:58:00.001-05:00

Last week, and this week have been pretty hard on me. I don't even know where to begin. I don't know if anyone has figured this out, but I really don't like going to doctors. I've told a number of people that I would rather die than to have surgery. Well I would like to go on the record here on my blog to recant my previous opinion on physicians. Right now I am going through something so personal and embarrassing, that it has changed many of my opinions and thoughts on life.

If you don't want to hear anything explicit stop now, because i'm about to take "personal" to a whole new level on my blog!

Last week I started feeling pain in my groin area, more specifically my testicles. The right one to be more precise. I didn't pay it much attention at first, until I the next day when it started hurting a little worse. So I got out of bed, and I (TMI) gave myself a self-examination. I noticed that my right testicle is not only larger than the left, but it's much harder than it felt before. That was last Wednesday the 12th. Thursday it wasn't feeling any better, and I decided maybe, just maybe I would call the doctor, but first I need to hear from a voice of reason to convince me, so I contacted my brother. He told me to do it just to be safe, and so Friday I did so.

I called and made an appointment. They only had one opening on Friday, but it was an hour and a half from the time I called so I couldn't make it, because I'm a bus rider. So I made my appointment for Monday.

Monday arrives, and eventually so did I. When I finally got to see a doctor, I had to undress from the waist down so she could feel and compare my testes. I think I made her mad when I told her that a previous doctor hinted at me about getting checked a couple of years back when I first started coming to that clinic. He told me about Lance Armstrong and his cancer. Like I said though it was more like a hint to me though, than a suggestion to get checked out. Anyways I don't know if I had any problems back then, but I sure do know about now. My current doctor made an appointment for me at another facility to have an ultrasound done. Its weird because I thought ultrasounds were done for only pregnant women.

Today I went to that appointment. I had some support from one of my aunts who drove me there and stayed with me until it was over. The technician that performed the ultrasound was pretty nice. First she scanned the left (normal) testis, then she scanned the right (suspect) testis. I noticed a difference in comparison. When she saw how I concerned I looked, she started talking to me. She asked me if I had ever had a song stuck in my head. I told her yes and I asked her what song was stuck in her head. She told me that a country song by a group called Zac Brown Band has this song called "Chicken Fried" out. We both laughed when she told me about how she would dance silly to the song. I guess the point of this was, I think that she was trying to distract me from monitor.

Did I mention in all of this that ever person who helped me (Nurse, doctor, technician...etc.) were woman. I felt kind of embarrassed. Like I needed to chest bump some guy or something.

After the ultrasound I was told that my physician would call me and give me my results. She called me four hours later, and said something no one really wants to hear. "Charles You have an abnormal lump". She then told me that she made an appointment to see a specialists and hung up with me. After I hung up with her I just stood there in front of some of my family members and I started crying.

So now your caught up with my life as it is. I don't have nothing to focus on, but the here and now. As it stands I'm not looking towards Thanksgiving, i'm not looking toward Christmas. Heck my life is in the moment right now. The constant pain, reminds me that I can only look as far as Monday, but at least I have my family to look with me.

I'm not posting this is for anybodies sympathy or pity. I know everyone cares, and I appreciate it and I thank you for it. The only reason i'm posting this is because there are a lot of men out there who may be in the same boat as me and not even know it. I'm posting this because every man out there should do a self-examination to make sure everything is A-OK and that they don't have any lumps in there testicles. The pain, the worrying, the sleepless nights...I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. In fact if I have an enemy I hope I'm helping them out. Hope I help everyone out.

Well off to bed. Aleeve is my new best friend!

Acceptance and Goodbye to my Original Journal

2008-10-25T20:36:00.006-04:00

October 30 is the last day that anyone can post in there AOL journal. It won't matter for me anymore. Even though AOL gave me a great way to vent how I felt, I won't be posting a "Going Away" post there. I've already accepted that my journal is just about non-existent. Which is why I took the liberty of deleting all of my posts. That way I have some sense of control the loss. Although they are gone from my Journal, they still reside in my heart and my computer until I can get a flash drive to save them on. I even save some of the pictures too. Everything from Scalzi's "grape spewing clone (LOL) to my sister's Unique fourth of July fireworks display.

It's funny, if it wasn't for blogging, I think I would have lost all of my hair because of stress. Everyone who read my post about my suspension from work in 2005 were so supportive. On some of the darkest days at work when I came home and I read my favorite blogger's posts, seem to put a sparkle in my eye. Every Weekend Assignment, every Easy Question, and every Saturday Six I participated in, gave me something fun to do when I was bored or blue. AOL journals was a fun blogging community it's a shame to see it go.

R.I.P. http://journals.aol.com/cinisoul/amithinkingthat/ March 14, 2005 - October 31, 2008

The Great Exodus 2

2008-10-10T09:14:00.005-04:00

Right now i'm in the process of saving and then deleting 300+ posts from my AOL journal. There is no point of linking it here because it will be deleted by the end of this month. Its a shame that AOL is basically giving a lot of people the boot and erasing AOL journals. A lot of people invested their time, blood, sweat, and tears into not only posting there, but also the techs that created it and making it better. How can they do that to people, welcome them in and then just let them go. I guess at least they are helping the journalers to transfer there post over to blogger. It just makes me wonder how many people will actually continue on, and how many will quit. Its kind of sad though.

What do you do???

2008-09-23T22:46:00.002-04:00

What do you do when your drained?

What do you do when you worked so much during the summer and your physically and emotional drained?

What do you do when you feel like you are so tired that you have nothing else to say, and you think that maybe its because your drained?

What do you do when your will and determination has been shaken?

What do you do when you feel you don't have it in you to blog anymore?

One less thing to worry about keeps running through my dome!

No one will miss me anyways right?

What should I DO?

Dear Bro

2008-07-29T12:34:00.002-04:00

Dear Jevon,

What's up Bro, How's it going down there? Hope they aren't whipping you into military shape too hard. Although, You'd probably like them to wear you out for the challenge though, wouldn't you? So what's it like (and I don't want, "its alright".) I want details! Like what's the earliest they woke you up, and what's the hardest thing you've done so far. You know stuff like that. Don't let it be just those two things though. I want to know about your experience overall, and how you feel about it. I saw in your letter to mom that you don't like writing much, but it occurred to me after you left I don't know much about my brother. There is more to life than just video games.

Nothing going on at home really, but there is this one tidbit I want to share with you about our nephew. A couple of weeks ago, although I was tired from work, I went downstairs to play-fight with Jalani. I hadn't seen him in awhile so I wanted to spend some time with him. Well while I was smacking him with the pillow, Jalani was trying to hit back. Eventually he got up to get off of the couch, andwhen he did, the boy nearly broke his neck. Jalani was trying <-(Key word) to put his feet down first but, somehow managed to nearly fall on his head. I tried to break his fall, but I wasn't to sure that I did. When he got up Jalani turned to look at me. When he did, I wasn't sure what he was going to do. I was concerned for him and I didn't have to be, because Jalani busted out laughing. I smiled and the next thing came to my mind is in Georgia training for the Army reserves. you were the same way, which made me scaaaaareeeed of you. (LOL)

I enclosed a picture of me, because I read the letter thyat you sent mom asking for pictures of us. Ablah said that they plan on sending you the pictures from our outing at Applebees. I'll believe it when I see it, and if they do, toss the picture Islah took of me in the trash. I think I had my eyes closed and food in my mouth. Toss that horrible, horrible picture away (LMAO)

So you can only receive five letters at a time? Is it five a day, a week, or a month? Let me know okay, because I could send a letter a day if I could (LOL). Is there a limit to how much paper you can receive too (LOL)?

I could torture you longer, but I'll spare you for now, By the way Dino asked about you. Take care Bro, hope your having fun.

Love Ya,

Charles

P.S. I won't type it, because it wouldn't be personable. I want you to know that its me, and that I care. So Sorry about the bad handwriting.

The Day I have been Dreading since last year

2008-07-07T22:26:00.002-04:00

I knew this day was coming, even if this has been the best year I've had in a long while. I got back in touch with my Dad and my Aunts, Uncle and cousins. I haven't been as angry as I have been in the previous years. I have been getting out more. Life has been looking half full, rather than half empty. So if there will be anything bad to bring my summer to a fall it will be tomorrow, because the day I have been dreading since last year will be here tomorrow.

Tomorrow my brother will be leaving for the Army Reserves. Ever since he sent me that text message last year, its been on my mind. I wanted to spend a ton of time with him like we did when we were kids playing video games, but we were both too busy working on opposing days that we would never get the chance to hang out.

Its funny our mom wanted us all to get together and take a family portrait because of my brothers departure, but it never happened. My family is notorious for doing things with out making appointments, so we got the chance to take the picture because of our schedules. To make matters worse when we all got together that day to get our picture taken they decided to go to Red Lobster for dinner. Not only didn't we get our picture taken, but Red Lobster was jammed pack that day with a hour and forty five minute wait. That didn't go according to plan either.

After the disappointment with the picture (actually lack there of), I decided I wanted to go home. After saying that I kind of made everyone upset. Okay I was kind of angry and I kind of really wanted to take that picture because my brother was leaving and I don't have any current pictures of him and I. I just wanted that day to be perfect, and it wasn't and I ended up making it worse because I ended up being a jerk and I made my brother upset. He wanted us to all to sit at a table and eat one dinner as a family before he left and stupid me, I didn't realize that until I seen him get emotional. Never saw him so upset before, and it made me feel very disappointed in myself. Okay so this is sounding like a black spot on my "perfect year". Anyways after I realized he wanted us to sit down as a family and eat, I obliged and we headed for Applebees Yummm!). I never want to make my brother sad like that ever again. It hurts me just thinking about it.

After the dinner was over and we were all getting ready to leave. I approached my brother and I apologized and I told him, "If I ever start acting like a jerk again just set me straight". Because folks I can REALLY be a jerkwad sometimes.

My bro was actually supposed to leave Wednesday but for some reason time was moved up to very late Tuesday (Early Wednesday AM). Now its Tuesday at 7pm. I guess They REALLY WANT YOU!

We really don't want him to go. I don't want him to go. I don't know anything about boot camp, training or deployment. I just don't want my little brother to get hurt. He's the only one I have, and if something happened to him, and he died or something, part of me would die with him. And I don't think my Psyche could take it.

This Meme is easy as 1-2-3

2008-06-18T10:08:00.008-04:00

Alrighty Jeff, here I am to do the tag, Metal Gear Solid 4 will still be there after I'm finished (oh and I beat it anyways). LOL

Jeff Tagged me to do a book meme. Here are the rules (copy 'n paste):

1. Grab the nearest book. If you are currently reading something, that'll be fine too.

2. Open the book to page 123.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the text of the next 4 sentences on your Blog along with these instructions.

5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet I know that is what you were thinking!

6. Tag 5 people.

Here is the passage:

"Well, Lizzie, despite your best efforts, you're giving me plenty of reasons to enlist your services. Yet you want me to withdraw my application? Why? Her eyes grew rueful. "Because of Adam," she said. Dear Jesus Suddenly, I couldn't breathe.

(Note that page 123 was the end of a chapter so I couldn't go five sentences down and and use the next four sentences. I went two sentences down and used the rest of the chapter LMAO.)

This passage was from the book "Kill Me", by Stephen White. I probably would not have noticed it if the book wasn't bright yellow, and didn't have a bullet on the cover. I'm glad I did though, because it was pretty interesting and it kept me on my toes. Kill Me is about a Rich Man realizes that he doesn't want to die a slow painful death (conscious or not). So he hires an organization to kill him if he ever gets a severely injured, or diminished by disease. The catch is that once he enters into the contract, its irrevocable. When our anonymous narrator gets an illness he realizes he has one more thing to do before the "Death Angels" carry out there "end of life services". Although i'm not a big fan of the protagonist being killed off in any kind of media (Snake...Sniff...Sniff) I still liked this book.

I'm only going to tag three people. I don't know if they did this before or not, but either way I wouldn't know unless I try. I tag Chris, Chelle, and Shari.

P.S. While i'm at it, to anyone who reads this, is there a character who out there that perished that you wished would still be "alive"??? (Tag)

Can't sleep cuz...

2008-06-12T03:08:00.002-04:00

Its been nearly a month and it would have been longer (maybe) if it weren't for the fact that I can't sleep.

Usually I can't sleep because of some bad reason (right foot, back pain, worried, gas). Well this time the reason I can't sleep is a good reason... Well sort of!

When I bought my PlayStation 3 (Uh oh here comes another video game post) in 2006 I was under the impression that Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of The Patriots wasn't far behind. Boy was I wrong. I kept seeing the date moving further and further away from me. At one point I was unsure whether or not it was going to even be on the PS3, because some clerk told me that it may get ported over to the XBOX 360. Things were looking grim for the PS3, I felt like I chose the wrong team.

All that changed though in 2007 when I saw my first trailer for Metal Gear Solid 4. It was awesome to say the least. Then things were getting even better when it was announced that Blue-Ray Discs were going to be the High Definition DVD choice of the future, because the PS3 plays Blue ray and the XBOX 360 does HD-DVD.

Now when I was 14 years old I originally got turned on to the Metal Gear series by the Non-Canon Metal Gear game called Snakes Revenge. It was a pretty fun game. My brother and I would sit there and play it for hours. We didn't care that it really didn't happen in the Metal Gear universe, we just got our game on. It was so fun that when Hideo Kojima released the first Metal Gear Solid game on the PS one, I had to get it. Its funny because I didn't have a PlayStation, and I hadn't ever planned on getting one, because I was a die hard Nintendo fan. All that changed when I saw Metal Gear Solid.

I heard voices!

The PlayStation had discs where as the NES, Super Nintendo and the Nintendo 64 were cartridges. Even though N64 had better graphics than the PS One it didn't have voice acting...well much of it anyway. It couldn't, because there was only so much that you can do with a cartridge. So eventually I jumped ship and and joined the "Dark Side" (that's how I saw it before my eyes were opened).

So you can imagine why I irrationally ran out and bought the PS3 even though they hadn't made any quality games yet. I almost feel better now.

Here I am on the big day. Finally Metal Gear Solid 4 has been released. Its 3:28 in the morning and all I can think about is that game. Snakes Final Mission. Its kind of sad, but I'm so looking forward too it that you'd think I had about 7 cups of coffee. I have done nothing but count down to this day. My birthday is next week and I'm like, "who cares"!

When daylight hits I am so out of here. My behind will be on the next city bus to pick up my reserved copy. You think I was gone long before, wait and see how long I'll be gone after this post. LOL

I still have to do Jeff's tag so after that. LOL

Rule #3 Always Go With Your Gut

2008-05-19T22:07:00.004-04:00

On my birthday in 2003 I wanted to go bowling, but I didn't want to go by myself. So I asked my brother if he wanted to go with me. He said yeah, so I suggested that we take our three sisters with us. Two of them still were/are under the iron curtain of our step-father so, I wanted to ask my mom if the two youngest could go with us. I called my mother at her job, but she wasn't at her desk. So I decided to call her cell-phone and still no answer. My brother and my sister's tried to convince me that we could go, and there wouldn't be no problems, but I knew better. I know how my step-father's mind works and I know how my mom's works too. I didn't want to hear any arguments or yelling and what not, so I told them we have to wait. After an hour my mom calls and I ask her if we can take our sisters with us. She says yes, and I told her how I didn't want to take them without her permission, and how my siblings thought otherwise. My mom then tells me that I made the right choice. After I hung up the phone with her I spoke and saved a message onto my cell-phone. I said, "Next time go with your gut".

Nine times out of ten a person's gut feelings are right. When you go against that feeling you can get hit....Hard.

The reason I'm making this one of my rules isn't just because of the choice I made on my birthday five years ago. Its because of the new responsibility at work that we have. All tobacco products are at the service desk, and now all of the pressure is on myself and my co-workers to proof anyone that look under 30. Cause if we don't and we get "stung"(err...I mean if we fail) from a police sting, we would end up getting stung...err I mean fired from our jobs. Not only that but we could get arrested and fined. So I'm not to thrilled about wearing handcuffs, because they are NOT accessories. So I have to remember to ALWAYS go with my gut no matter what. Customers can say they are old enough, they can try and say there expired I.D. is still valid, they can even yell at me (let it out), but the one thing they aren't going to do is make me risk my job for some lame addiction that will eventually be the end of them. Friend, Foe, or co-worker, I'm not going to jail for you.

Always go with your gut!

What is Culture?

2008-05-02T22:49:00.002-04:00

Before I vent I just wanted to let anyone who's going to see Iron Man know that there is a scene after the credits finish rolling. It definitely hints as to who is going to be in the next film. I was surprised.

Okay its venting time.

I was going to post this sooner but I've been working six days (with one exception) a week for the past 4 weeks now, so I haven't really been motivated to do the blogging thing. This topic had been on my mind for awhile now, but I must admit that the fire isn't burning inside like it was when it first crossed my mind.

Question? What is culture?

One night when I was watching the news they were talking about the black community and how we as a people don't snitch when someone is murdered. That its a part of our culture. When I was a kid I was taught that the meaning of the word is "a way of life". In a way, it kind of made sense, but I thought it was meant to be in a positive way.

The next day I called my mom and asked her what she thought the definition of "culture" is, and she sent me a text of a definition that she found.

Culture-beliefs customs practices and social behavior of a particular nation or people.

Alright when put its put that way it makes sense, but then I found another definition of the word in an Oxford dictionary.

Culture-The arts and other manifestations of human intellectual achievement regarded collectively.

When I saw that one I realized that English language seem to have too many parameters for word definitions.

I guess the point i'm trying to make is that there is something about how the word is being used that just doesn't sit right with me.

When I think about the word culture, I think about music, religion... stuff like that. I never thought of it as something negative like not telling the authorities if you witnessed someones life being taken (No Snitching).

Honestly I don't know what I would do if I witnessed a murder. I do know that my reason wouldn't have anything to with grudges with the police or anything like that. My reason would be a little more selfish...Fear of death.

The second fall bruised my leg

2008-04-14T21:53:00.002-04:00

The second time I fell was in February. This fall seems to be the complete opposite to the first. It had no meaning, I got hurt badly, there was snow and ice on the ground, there were no cars involved, and I was on the hill that is our drive way.

You have no idea how much it hurt to take the fall that I didn't see coming. I'm such an idiot. The whole winter I went without buying any boots. My right foot can't take heavy shoes so I decided not to buy any. Nike UPS don't have any grip, so If you ever wear any, don't wear them outside during the winter.

I try to take the garbage bin out to the curb the day before garbage day, so I don't have to worry about getting up early in the morning to do it. Also because its a pain trying to get the garbage bin down when you have two vehicles in the driveway.

Everything started off normal. The cats wanted me to feed them before I left-I fed them.

Check all of the doors in the house and the stove to make sure they were secure-CHECK.

Went outside and locked the door behind me -CHECK.

Now there I was in the middle of winter, on the day before garbage day. My mother was home but her car wasn't blocking the driveway. I don't know why, but for some reason I wasn't being cautious like I normally do when I am walking during the winter. I grabbed the garbage bin and started walking with it. When I started walking down the hill, I experienced an eye opener.

Like I said I wasn't being cautious, and because of it, I didn't see the ice. That wasn't the only thing I didn't see that day (didn't see that fall coming). I slipped on that patch of ice, fell backwards onto my lower right leg, and then my upper body fell forward. As I slid down the rest of the hill, the garbage bin fell over and slid with me. Not beside me...NO. It slid onto me. When I realized I didn't break my leg (think I came close) I turned over and pushed the garbage bin aside. I took out my phone and tried to call my mother for help, but I guess she was asleep. So I was all alone.

At first I didn't want to stand on my leg. I was afraid that the damage was worse than I thought. I knew I sprained my leg, I just didn't know how bad. Then for some reason I decided that I wasn't going to let anyone laugh at my expense or give into my injury. I got up reclaimed my dignity and put the garbage can to the curb. If you thought I was an idiot for wearing those sneakers, you must definitely think I'm one for walking to work without getting medical attention for my leg. I was lucky it healed. I kind of put my job before my health again. I have to remember that my health is more important.

I'm buying boots next winter...Lesson Learned!

The first fall bruised my ego

2008-04-09T10:23:00.003-04:00

New Years Eve (Oh happy belated new year everyone), I was walking home from work. I'm a fast walker, so when I saw a dog owner taking its pooch for a walk on the same sidewalk I was on, I decided to cross the street. I didn't want to come up behind the person or the dog and startle either one. So when I crossed the street, you'd think it would be the end of that.

NOPE!

At the time I thought I was having a bad New Years Eve. My wrist was hurting me, I had no one to celebrate with, and my mind was just overflowing with negative gibberish.

I swear there seem like there are times where my life seems to be written as a story. Part A seems to always be linked to part B in some way shape or form (Proof of that in a future post).

Like I was saying I decided to cross the street so I wouldn't get bitten or cause a heart attack. When I got to the other side of the street I noticed a car parked in a driveway. It wouldn't have been much of a problem except that it was blocking the sidewalk that I was on. I hate when people do that. I don't think there was snow on the ground that day so I didn't fall because of that, but when I went around the car, I slipped on a patch of mud and almost took a face plant. I only prevented that at the last second with my right hand. My thumb took most of punishment from that tumble. Well then again my package of chicken wings may have suffered the most. Then again, I was lying there in front of a white car that had its lights on, thinking to myself that if the people in that car didn't see me fall I could be a goner. I used to wish that I was never here. While I was sitting there on all fours I realized that life didn't seem so bad, although New Years Eve could have been a lot better.

If that person wasn't walking there dog, I wouldn't have crossed the street. If I didn't cross the street none of this would have ever happened. It just seemed like I was set up for some sort of cosmic wake up call or something.

If I didn't cross the street then I wouldn't have text message my brother, and told him what happened. Then he wouldn't have responded with a text, and in that text told me that he was joining the Army Reserves.

Life-the biggest coincidence on earth? Just makes me wonder!

Eeriest Thing Just Happened!

2008-04-05T00:45:00.002-04:00

I wasn't going to blog, but the Eeriest thing just happened to me. While I was uploading some of my CD's to my computer for my new MP3, I swore I heard my dad's voice. He said my nickname! I still have the chills! I haven't spoken to him since 2005, when I went to his and my step-mom's doctor for a second opinion for my foot. It was strange, I heard it clearly as if he were here. It really freaked me out. Its too late to call him now. I think maybe I should call tomorrow. I seemed to have thought that maybe him and I never had a "father-son" connection. I think maybe I was wrong.

Not enough words in the dictonary...

2008-03-26T06:57:00.004-04:00

I'm...Well I'm pissed. I'm more than pissed I'm...I'm at a loss for words. There aren't enough enough words in the dictionary to describe how i'm feeling right now. My MP3 player has crashed and burned. I'm sitting here at my computer desk looking down to my right at it, and I just want to throw the damn thing. Or maybe I should just throw my computer for having Windows Vista. There is a repair tool for my MP3, but its only compatible with Windows XP, and "There is no update planned, please use the prescribed OS (Windows XP)".

It always seem to come to this. You either downgrade or your screwed. I seem to recall that some people actually decided to downgrade to Windows XP. That doesn't say much about Vista. Its really sad too. I purchased some songs online at Walmart.com and I was only able to play them on this MP3 player or on my old computer. Now I'm going to lose them along with this useless black thing, that is staring up at me with a yellow triangular sign, that has an exclamation point in the center of it. Somehow I feel as if I'm being mocked. There always seem to be an irony in dilemma's occupying my life, and this one is a doozy (not).

But thats alright though...That is alright. I wanted a new MP3 player so I guess I have a reason now to get one. And its not going to be an IPOD (or another Philips gogear for that matter) either. Nope, I've had my eyes on something different. I have never been one for mainstream.

Reason for my Absence

2008-03-23T17:03:00.003-04:00

Hi Everyone! This may sound tacky, but how is everyone doing out there?

I've been away from blogging with the exception of the repost for so long. I think I may have left an impression with my repost that it was work that was bothering me and making me stay away. While there are days where I just want to go postal on some of the bad seeds out of the customers I help, this isn't the reason.

If you re-read that post you may have noticed that when I got angry I punched a metal cabinet as hard as I could. Well recently my hand has been hurting me something fierce. When I went to the doctor to have it looked at the doctor told me that I may have fractured it. I think she called it a "Fighters Fracture". In any case my left pinky, ring finger,and wrist are affected by this and really bothers me when I type. I have been wearing a wrist brace while at work on the really bad days, and think goodness it helps.

I was supposed to go and get physical therapy, but I heard the same four words (nothing we can do) I heard about my ankle and decided why bother. I was too late, about three years too late to be precise, but like I said in another post in relation to my hand in 2005, I didn't go see a doctor back then, because I was scared I may lose my job. I was very emotional that year and I let those emotions get the better of me and snapped at customers that may have deserved it as selfish people but, still it shouldn't have come from a employee thats apart of a Grocery Chain.

I have SO much to blog about since New Years Eve, but every time I go to type I grimace in pain and step away from the computer. I think I may start with the first of two falls this winter.

Which one do you guys want to hear first? Is it going to be the first fall story, my moment in the right place at the right time that seemed like something out of a storybook, with also seemed like I was being led by something divine; or would you rather hear about the second fall. Either way I going to write about them. LOL

I'll be visiting everyone's blogs soon, till then ciao!

A Proud Man!

2007-12-26T20:16:00.000-05:00

I have to say, I haven't had anything to post... Up until now. And I must say after I'm done, I may just go on an indefinite hiatus.

There is this man in my life. He has several children. He went to work almost everyday, and he worked hard to make ends meat. He worked harder in a day, than most of us work in a month, yet he brought home less than what we make. He was a Tower in his children's lives. Strong willed and stubborn in a good way. He told you what to do and you'd better listen. I wish that I can be half the man he is. I learned a few things from him... advice and what not, that is still with me today.

As he got older he may have slowed down, but you probably wouldn't have really notice it. He did a lot of walking, because he didn't drive. He would walk over a mile everyday to get to a McDonalds to get his morning coffee, and chat with his friends. He was still strong and when his namesake died in a car crash, he pushed his emotions aside and led his family in that tragic and confusing moment.

As I got older I began to see less and less of him. only at family get togethers, and even then I didn't get to go to all of them. I was never given the date in time to request off, so I'd missed my chance to see him. Next time, it was always next time... Well Next time came tonight.

Once a physically strong man, now he has all but succumb to his age. He was once able to walk miles, and now he can't even stand. Confined to a wheelchair, this proud man sat and talked with my brother and I about how he used to save every penny and put it in the bank, and how it was all taken from him by the government, for whatever reason. My brother and I think it was for his medical expenses...

Anyways even though he is in a wheelchair, and even though he has cushions on either side of his bed to protect him from a fall, my Granddad is still able to check out women and make us laugh in the process. You go Granddad! The next time I see him, I'm going to thank him and tell him how I feel, because the today was the first time I saw him, and I was kind of taken by surprise. Life is so fragile!

My Insomniac Survey Thingy

2007-12-17T01:15:00.000-05:00

How many of us out there are "Sleepless" right now? Don't all of you raise your hand or once or anything like that. Instead take this quiz thingy I thought up.

(Warning: I take no responsibility for the things I may type here, as they may make no sense, seeing how I haven't been sleeping well.)

1. When was the last time you had a good night's rest?
Can't remember honestly, when was the last time I slept straight through the night?

2. What would you give up for your missing good night's sleep?
My Junkfood cravings and ability to taste sweets. Don't need those anyways.

3. What have you tried doing, to send yourself to Dreamland?
Lets see...Music, leaving my TV on with the timer on (sound of voices helps me sometimes), sleeping downstairs on the couch, writing a annoying quiz (like now), warm cup of milk, playing video games, riding my exercise bike, taking a sleep aid (all I get is medicine head), fluffing my pillow(s), tossing and turning.

4. Any of those "remedies actually work?
Well everything but the warm milk has helped at one time or another (the milk just gave me gas). For the most part though my body became use to those remedies and as a result I stare into the dark.

5. What is the weirdest idea you used to get to sleep?
Slept with my fan on during the winter. (counter productive when your nose is congested)

6. What do you think is the reason you can't sleep?
At first I thought it was because of my weight (still think thats a possibility), but I think it may be, because I have a stuffy and runny nose (snot factory is in business). Then there is my sore throat. Loneliness... Maybe its just a host of things.

7. Any adverse effects?
Sometimes I start laughing for absolutely no reason. (don't really think thats bad though do you???)

8. Ever been so tired it affected your motor functions?
Yeah, and I bet a police officer would mistakenly give me a field sobriety test. I can't count how many times I've tripped up my steps.

9. Mood Swings?
The Grinch has nothing on me.

10. Is your insomnia affecting others in your household?
I'll find out and get back to you tomorrow.

11. Is your insomnia affecting you at work?
Yeah, at one point I went behind the bottle machines and just closed my eyes for a few minutes.

12. Anything productive come from your lack of sleep.
Once and awhile I may get up and go on a cleaning frenzy.

13. Ever fell asleep at the wheel?
No, and fortunately for the commuters out there I don't have a car.

14. I'm so tired I....
Could hit myself upside the head with a sledgehammer.

15. Do you have any sleeping tips.
Yeah, don't ever drink before bed! You may end up waking up because you have to go potty. (LOL)

I tag no one, but I am curious. Maybe I should tag someone... Everyone... Nah! Anyone that does this. Post the link in my comments section of this post. so I can take a look.

I want(ed) to

2007-12-07T13:35:00.000-05:00

Wednesday night, I had a woman who came in and wanted two money orders. First she tells me she wants one for $335. Then she hands me a few twenties, quite a few tens, a shit load of fives, and quite a handful of dollar bills. Not in numerical order either, she just counted it and placed the money on the counter. After I count it all (did I mention I double count), I go and print the money order and give it to her. Then she then asks for a $300 money order, and like before she gives me twenties, tens, fives, and ones. After I got them in order, I count them with the help of our adding machine. It turns out she hadn't given me all of the money yet. I only have $290 in my hand. I tell her and she tells me to give her the money back. She counts it and realizes that she was in error.

She then tells me that she doesn't have any extra money and she thinks she knows why. She tells me that she wasn't supposed to get a $335 money order, but instead a $325 one. Add this to the fact that I have a long freaking line behind her of people that also want help. It made me feel so anxious, because I was alone in this endeavor and there was no one else there who could help me. Because of my anxiety I didn't hear her say $325, for some reason I heard $330. So I wrung her up for the $330 money order and cashed the $335 money order as a check. When I realized what I had done, I was so pissed at myself and at her, but I stayed calm and I fix it. Well actually I can't say I stayed calm, because I ended up counting my drawer to make sure everything was fine. I kept messing up my count. By the time it was over a few customers had left out of frustration. I can't say that I blame them.

There are some days where I want to just quit this job. I just feel like I can't do customer service anymore. I lost the happiness I felt somewhere in the ten years I've been their. I want to try something else, but I don't know what.

I found out that my nephew has learned a new trick. I was tired one night, and I just wanted to go home and unwind before bed. When I finally arrive home from work, my nephew runs up to me and says, "Hi Charles"... I think thats just about all he says to me right now... "Hi Charles...Charles this and Charles that Charles, Charles Charles. LOL

Anyways as I was saying, he said hi, and I said hi to him, and picked him up for a moment. I don't know if I ever said this, but Jalani likes magnets. Just about every time he sees me, he wants me to take him to the fridge, and hold him while he plays with them. I wasn't really in the mood that night. My back was killing me, so I told him I can't hold him much longer. I put him down and wave bye (Bye Charles). I go upstairs and change into my night clothes and then come back downstairs and sneak and get my dinner. Jalani must have noticed me, because a few minutes later he revealed his new ability. The little brat opened my door and climbed up my stairs. Then this little boy (nephew, what nephew LMAO) must have asked me a ton of questions while pointing.

"What's This"

"What's That"

I was borderline crazy at this point, and when I realized that I wasn't going to enjoy my Die Hard movie, I gave in and answered his questions and gave him the attention he so craved. Thank goodness his mom called my phone a few minutes later to bring him downstairs. Unfortunately though when I turned to answer my phone, my nephew turned his attention on the pail of water I was using to soak my feet. He is such a handful, I wanted to pull my hair out...If I had some.

A few days ago, as I walked to work, I came upon a little mound of snow on the sidewalk. I guess it had got there from a plow that must have drove out onto the street (I dunno). Anyways, I was in a good mood (come to think of it, this may have been Wednesday the same day as the money order debacle), and for some reason I had this... Ahhh ...temptation. There was this tiny hill of snow, and I have legs... So I um... jumped over it. Not realizing that I had just gotten over some serious back pain. I felt fine afterwards, but then I realized that maybe I shouldn't have done it. I still smiled though. It was great feeling like a kid again. Only problem is I don't know kids who have back problems. Some of the discomfort came back as my shift at work was coming to a close, but this pain wasn't as bad as before. If I measured that pain using my right foot as a "scale", the pain I was feeling was naught (kind of like a bug landing on your arm...annoying). That night walking back I payed for it a little, but I didn't have no regrets. Jumping over that hill like I did when I was a kid made me happy, and brought back some nice memories. So I guess in the end thats all that matters. In fact I wanted to jump over it again as I was walking home, but I didn't take that chance

Honesty with a price

2007-12-02T06:06:00.000-05:00

Honesty

A word you don't here much today. If someone were to find an Ipod inside a public place, do you really think they are going to give to lost and found. Heck, nowadays you can't even come forward and reveal a murderer without the threat of becoming a victim yourself. Their always seem to be a catch. In my past I admit there were times where I've been dishonest, I think I've punished myself more than anyone else would if they had the chance though. I'd like to think I've learned lessons over the years, but not everyone learns from the error of their ways.

A couple of weeks ago (a lot happened then). I had a young girl come up to the desk. Behind her was her grandmother (at least I think it was her). She tells the child to go ahead. I ask, "Can I help you", and the little girl proceeds to say that, "this was left in a cart". The little girl hands me a wallet bulging with money. I mean it this thing look like it could rival a quarter pounder with cheese, that wallet was so fat. I take it, and thank the girl for her honesty. She smiles and walk away, and I felt really proud of her. You'd think that would have been the end of that, but Noooooo!

I call the manager on duty and tell him about the wallet. I leave a note in the office with the wallet stating that there wasn't any ID. I tell the person in charge of the front end about the wallet just in case the owner comes back when I leave and that its locked up until the next morning.

After that was all said and done and my shift was over I went shopping for dinner that night. When I come to the front end to check out, I notice the grandmother of the child and another woman asking the front end runner a question. After he answered her and wrote something on a piece of paper I went over and asked him a few questions myself.

It turns out that the grandmother had an ulterior motive. She wanted to claim the money herself if the wallet wasn't ever claimed. When I heard this I thought to myself, "Is there nothing sacred anymore". Here I was praising these people for doing the right thing, and all they were really thinking about was getting the money back for themselves. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that they turned the wallet in, but if you seen how determined they were to get there info written down to claim that money, you'd probably feel the same way as I do. They weren't going to ever get that money to be honest. Even so, it's a good thing the rightful owner did come and claim what was his.

What ever happened to just doing the right thing?

I like Traveling But....

2007-11-28T22:27:00.000-05:00

...I don't like traveling done on me!

Let me explain...

A little over two weeks ago, I woke up on Sunday morning to a very stiff neck. I couldn't move without agonizing pain. I tried loosening up my neck by moving my head in a counter or clockwise motions. None of this was working, so I went and bought some of those one time use heating pads for the neck. It soothe my neck when it wasn't falling off, but by the next day it was still hurting as much as it did before. Then I tried Icy Hot and eventually analgesic cream, those really didn't work either. Finally I went and bought a thinner pillow. It seemed like it was working, because I was finally able to sleep but then...

The Traveling Began!

Within the first week, I started feeling pain in my upper spine, where my neck ends and my back begins. I was able to move my neck a heck of a lot better, but now I couldn't toss the plastic bags full of plastic bottles. That went on for the rest of the week, until I changed my matress over.

Then the pain traveled to my upper back. It wasn't my spine anymore, now it was the muscles in my back. It hurt so much that any and every movement I made (getting out of bed, walking, standing, working) Hurt like hell!

Then the pain moved to my lower back. I couldn't take it anymore. I'm not a big fan of drugs, but I gave in and popped some pills (three at a time to be exact). I even bought some of those one time use heating pads for my lower back.

Then Finally it hit my left foot. (I don't want to even talk about my groin) Lets just say there is a muscle or something that connects your foot to your ____ area.

Nothing, and I mean nothing seem to work. I spent a ton of money on these relievers and pillow.

$6.99 (times 2)for the heating pads
$6.00 for the aspirin
$21.00 for the pillow for neck and back pain (well actually its supposed to help keep your spine aligned)
$6.00 for the icy hot
I already had the analgesic cream for my right foot (I have to get some more though)

All of that and nothing really worked. All it really took was $16.00 pair of insoles from Dr. Scholls, that are made for back pain. They work pretty good I have to admit. But the pain is still there. On the left side of my spine affecting my foot and lower back, and my neck a little. I think Chelle is right. She told me that it might be one of my vertebrae. I'm beginning to think she's right, because ground zero is in the area of my spine.

If you are wondering why I'm posting this, its because this is the reason I haven't read or posted any entries in two weeks. Sitting down in this chair was even painful. I mostly lied in my bed on my side when I was awake, which was a lot. Didn't sleep much during those two weeks. I think I may have to reluctantly go see a doctor.

Sigh...

Kind of Like Potato, Potahto

2007-11-13T13:20:00.000-05:00

Questions!

Where does O Belong?

OK, now where does 0 belong?

Can you even tell the difference between the two.

One of them is the Letter o.

The other is the Number Zero.

Ever since I have been working up at the desk at my job, I have been playing Lottery for the customers at their request, but sometimes some of the things they say bother me.

Lets place you in my shoes for the moment (size 12, ugly feet). Lets Say someone (I dunno... S. Gambler) wants to play the New York State Lottery Game called Numbers (There's a similar game called with four numbers called Win-4 also). Everything is going fine until they want to play a number with a zero in it.

240

However S. Gambler doesn't say two-four-zero (well they get the 2 and the 4 right), He says two-four-O (oh).

How would you respond to that?

Well I didn't respond at all really. My first year at the desk, a customer walks in and ask to get some Numbers. I go to help him, but its very noisy in and around the service desk area. He asks for a number with a zero in it, but instead he says the letter O, instead of zero. I didn't hear him clearly so I ask --zero. He responds by saying, "NO I said --O. In my head I'm saying OK, its the same difference, I just said the correct way. He didn't have to yell at me, It's not like I was trying to correct him. We just say it differently.

Fast forward to six years later. Last week I picked up the phone and answered it. Someone wanted to speak to an employee in the bakery department. I park the call, and page the bakery. For some reason I noticed what I was saying. "Bakery Please take the call holding on line 8 oh 1, bakery line 8 oh 1".

Dammit, they've gotten to me! I've been assimilated!

When I page someone or a department there is always a number in there. The phone calls are parked in the 800's, and when we need someone to call our department its 24oh (d'oh).

I've been trying to stop this, but I can't. The letter O has taken over my zero. I cannot resist! My zero is being held captive by all of the letter O's that have been place with in a number, which I have heard these past 6 Years (sob). I've been told that I am stubborn and that I always do my own thing. I guess, that's not always the case.

Man have we gotten so lazy that we can't say the extra syllable. Zero...see how easy that was.

I'm glad its four and not forty

2007-11-06T10:55:00.000-05:00

Chris Tagged me to do this meme. Of the questions asked, I have to pick 4 things that interest me the most. I think some of those answers kind of show the immature/kiddy side of me though. It's alright though. I like what I like right.

4 Jobs I've Had
-Summer School Job learning how to cook, and learning about sanitary conditions in cooking environment. (quit the first week though)
-Firefighter Intern Program
-Clerk at Grocery Chain
-Clerk at Grocery Chain (fired then re-hired)

4 Movies I can watch over and over
-Silent Hill
-Star Trek: First Contact
-Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
-Resident Evil: Apocalypse

4 Places I've lived
-Rome, New York
-Rochester, New York
-Charlotte, North Carolina
-Rochester, New York

4 TV shows I loved to Watch
-Lost (damn whomever it was who had the bright idea to start the rest of the seasons in January)
-Heroes
-NCIS
-Ghost Whisperer

4 places I've been to on Vacation
-Darien Lake
-Sea Breeze
-North Carolina (Family Reunion)
-Alabama (Don't remember though...Very young at the time)

4 websites I visit daily
-www.afterworld.tv (check it out you might like it)
-www.aol.com (email addict)
-www.youtube.com (more specifically http://youtube.com/user/ItsJustSomeRandomGuy)
-Newgrounds.com

4 favorite dishes
-Moms Lasagna
-Aunt Cyndi's Pancakes
-Mom's Thanksgiving (can't wait)
-Imitation Crab salad (hey I'm simple)

4 places I'd rather be right now
-In a woman's arms (who's that's my secret)
-Someplace with some nice scenery
-Visiting my Granddad (I really really need to see him)
-In a car driving No where, with nobodies thoughts but my own.

4 People I'm Tagging
-Chelle
-Chelle
-Chelle
-Shari

Out with the old....I don't care about anything new

2007-10-30T09:48:00.000-04:00

A few weeks back I think I got a lesson in life. You know the one about All Good Things. Well If you didn't know already, they come to an end. When I was a little boy there was this place that my mom and I used to frequent. It was a fun place, especially during the month of December. If we weren't at my grandfather's house we'd almost certainly be there. Were is this place? It is in downtown Rochester, and its called Midtown Plaza.

I have so many memories their. Chasing my cousin James when I shouldn't have, walking around inside looking at all the stores and the things I wanted (mom could I get some candy). I even remember stopping at Wendy's to get a bag of small fries... I love Wendy's fries.

What I remember the most was sitting on Santa Claus' lap for the first time. Every year they had Santa come and visit. Just to the side of the escalators, they had a beautiful Christmas set up and had a throne for Santa to sit in. We also got to take pictures with him if our parents payed up. There was one thing I never got to do during the holiday season as a child though. I never got to ride in the monorail.

Besides the monorail there was another Staple inside the mall. Probably the most popular thing inside the mall itself. Its called the "Clock Of Nations". Its a big clock with twelve cylinders that have little dolls in them representing twelve nations.

I used to look at the clock a lot when I was a kid. Not so much so when I became a teen. I would look at it here and there. Now I'm going to miss that clock. I guess I never thought that the mall would be demolished. Boy did I get a wake up call. I woke up one morning and heard it on the news. I guess you could say my jaw dropped to the floor, at least that is what it felt like. So many memories flooded into my mind. In fact that same day, I rushed downtown to take these pictures. Why... Because it was the only ways I could grieve for the upcoming loss. The only way I could express myself.

Three of my favorite stores used to be inside of Midtown Plaza.

Jeans West was a clothing store. I used to get most of my clothes from there. In fact that Results shirt that I wrote about in a previous post was bought from there. I think that is why I can't let go of that shirt.

Then there was a store called "All Day Sunday". This store had it all. Artwork, Jewelry, clothes...they had it all. I'm not into jewelry so I used to go there because the embroidered clothes. I had one shirt done and a hat. Don't ask me what the shirt said, cause I don't remember. I do remember the hat though, because It was my favorite. It was a red hat with the name Chaz embroidered on it in black letters.

Finally there was Record Theater (the last of my favorites to leave Midtown). I went there to buy all of my music unless they didn't have. If that was the case I would cross the street and go to Record Town (also out of business), which used to be next door to McDonald's (can you say out of business...can you see a pattern here).

I even liked shopping in the Wegman's grocery store with my mom, that is when it used to be there. They closed there doors within the mall too.

Business are always closing there doors. Want to move on to something BIGGER. Bigger isn't always better. There are some people that feel uncomfortable inside those big, huge Superstores that they are building nowadays. Some of us hate giant crowds and long lines. But I guess doesn't matter anymore, because customers are nothing more than $$$. Mass Quantity over Quality isn't necessarily better. One of the first malls ever built...Such a shame.

M.I.A. Until Now

2007-10-27T11:49:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone!

I hadn't realized that I had been a no show for more than two weeks. This is the longest ever. Well chalk it up to work. I worked seven days in a row. The last thing I felt like doing was blogging. I was online but not as much as normal. By the sixth day I was exhausted. I felt like I was there (at work), but not there. Clearly I was at work, but I felt like I (my soul, my spirit...whatever you want to call it) was being pulled at from something, somewhere else. I know I know it sounds weird, but its how I felt. Heck, I'm still feeling drained.

The only reason I even did this post is because I had to set up my Fantasy Football teams and picks this week, and for some reason I remembered I had a blog and I came to check it. I could say I have neglected it, but my body, my will, my motivation were almost depleted, so I had to give some things up for a bit. This was one of them. I also gave up video games and television. I didn't hardly watch any TV last week. I even dozed off during the four o'clock football game last week (who was playing?).

I got some posts on my mind, I am just going to find the strength. I have to work tonight and tomorrow morning, so I will be a no show Sunday and possibly Monday. Tuesday I'm all yours though. (LOL) Plus I have next Friday (11/2), Saturday (11/3), and Sunday (11/4) off, so I will be looking forward to my first full weekend off since June. Looking forward to Body and Soul!

Rapid Fire (The Blog Game)

2007-10-12T10:28:00.000-04:00

I'm going to do something a little different. In five lines or less for each topic, I'm going to post several things that have happened in the pass few weeks (or more), as fast as I can. I won't be trying to make a point or anything, I will just be venting. I wonder if any of you are thinking the same.

1. I finally don't have to worry about Job Security. A new owner is in town and hopefully things will be on the bright side from now on. However I am still looking for another job though.

2. What the hell is wrong with these drug makers. Their recalling infant medication because of the danger of overdosing a child. I heard on the news that the medicines may not even work for the children in the first place....Can you say Placebo!

3. I have been thinking a lot about work lately. Not just because of the possibility of being let go, but because of my flexible schedule. It gets in the way of living and being with family, and that is hurting me now more than ever!

4. What happen to my Bills? They had the lead for most of the game against the Cowboys and blew it. I don't blame the players though, I blame the coach. The last thing you do is call a passing play (interception) in the fourth quarter when your in field goal range with the lead and time in your favor.

5. Phones are like computers they seem to become obsolete on the same day they are released. I got a letter in the mail from Sprint telling me that soon my phone will no longer be able to roam on certain third party analog networks, because they are going digital.

6. I don't use the roaming feature anyways because I would have to pay for it, so I guess I could care less.

7. Speaking of digital I am aware of how television will be going digital (2009) as well, and that there won't be any analog television anymore (can you say HDTV). What I don't understand is why haven't anyone in the media started telling people. Television is an important and Powerful recreational tool, so I'm kind of surprised that I haven't heard any notice/reminders.

8. Is it me or does it seem like there are too many kids out there murdering people (or attempting to) either because they want to take something that doesn't belong to them, or because they feel as if they are being wronged. It makes me feel unsafe to walk home now. I always have to look over my shoulder.

9. I have a new blog linked in my sidebar. I don't remember how I came across Trish's blog Incoherent~ish, but I'm glad I did. (LOL) she got me hooked when I read her post on the male version of PMS which she calls OMFWDYGACABSAB. She wants me to warn everyone that she is Politically Incorrect. Trish I think that most of the people who read my blog are too!

10. I also have a new website linked. Its called Afterworld. Its a 130 episode CGI series, with each episode roughly about three minutes long. It's about a character Russell Shoemaker who wakes up in a hotel room in New York and finds out that 99.9% of mankind have vanished. He tries to get home to his family to see if they are still alive, while helping others along the way.

11. My nephew is so smart. Now if only I could understand what he says a little better. There is this music video with Elmo and Chris Brown on youtube called, "See the signs". Jalani really likes it. I think I've watched it with him 10 times. Now he likes Chris Brown's music. To be more specific, a song called, "Kiss Kiss". You should hear him when he says it, he sounds so cute!

12. I've been thinking about the cycle of life. I grew up and I never really thought about how my mom, dad, aunts, uncles, and grandparents thought of me. Now here I am watching my nephew grow up, and I am happy. Here is this intelligent, happy, innocent life dancing, learning and making a difference in my life. I see what they saw, now in my nephew. What a cycle!

13. I thought summer would never end. I suffered all summer long in that heat, now it has officially ended because no more 80 or 90 degree weather is in the foreseeable future. It just ended for us last week. Now I just have to get fall and winter coats.

14. I miss Stephaine! She hasn't blogged since September 22, 2006. Ironically her last post was a tag from me. I missed her take on life and crush on Tom Brady, and her happenings at work. I wish she would come back. Its been more than a year now. I hope everything is alright.

15. "Sitting home waiting for you, cause staring at these walls is all I do. I tried my best to be good to you, but your never around when I'm in the mood."

16. I have two free movie passes for being the employee of the week and no one wants to go to the movies with me, cause they are all to busy.

17. Chelle I went and bought Tiger Balm. I put it on my feet for work, and I ended up smelling like it all day. LMAO

18. Our cat Jet has issues. When ever you pet him, he straightens out and hardens his tail and points it toward the front of his head like he is having an erection or something. It's weird, very weird!

19. While I was reading a post on Emily's blog about her trip to the dentist, I noticed that she had a Bill Cosby video from Youtube in the post. When I watched it I realized that I heard it before. My step-mom dubbed a tape that she had of his act and she gave it to me. Every time I'd listen to it I crack up. My cassette player ended up eating the tape though.

20. You know its true what they say about rain...When all of your old injuries start to ache, you know that rain is around the corner, and MAN, I'm aching right now, and have been for these last few days.

It wasn't as fast I thought but the thoughts eventually did come to mind faster as I got rolling. Anyone wants to give it a shot knock yourself out.

Description in ten words or less

2007-10-07T01:01:00.000-04:00

In her blog Jodi challenged us to In ten words or less...describe yourself!

I told her that I have never did a blog post without at least a paragraph. Honestly though, I didn't think I could come up with a good enough description. I thought about it and Now I think I have found one.

Been wondering If I am any good as of late. Long story!

Good Enough?

I challenge anyone reading this post to do the same. post it on your blog and leave the link on Jodi's blog because she is the one I got this from.

Who comes up with this stuff?

2007-10-02T05:24:00.000-04:00

You know how we as a people have fads?!!?

For example during the 60's and 70's were Afros and bell-bottoms. During the 80's there was the jheri curl, and during the 90's there were box cuts, and hair cuts done by placing a bowl on ones head. I really don't know what the fad of 2000's is, maybe its the cellphone...I don't know. I do know that we laugh at them when we look back at those fads and think to ourselves, "What were we thinking"?

The Jheri curl is probably why I am losing my hair (all of those chemicals...No more Jheri curl juice).

Anyways there is one fad that I haven't mentioned that leaves me perplexed. I was walking to work last Tuesday, and when I got to the first crosswalk I had to cross I noticed it. I never really cared about it until a teenage boy started crossing the street to the left of me. He was less than halfway across the street when the light began to change in my favor. As this was happening he started trying to run.

Key word here is TRYING!

Because he was mostly concentrating on keeping his pants up instead of worrying about getting hit by a car...Why

Because he was Sagging! (And here we are worry about people texting while driving) LOL

I never understood why someone would want to where there pants slightly below their waist, or in some cases maybe even lower. It completely baffles my mind, I mean what if you have streaks in your underwear of something?

Seriously I ask myself what is the point? What statement is being made here? Are they trying to see how low there pants can go without falling? Are they trying to share what kind of underwear they like to wear? Are trying to defy society? Or are they trying to tell all the girls out there that they are ready to drop there pants at the drop of a hat?

There is little that can be done about it, I guess! Maybe the G'ment should make it illegal. You know file it under indecent exposure or something like that, because if I don't want to see sagging boobs, then I definitely don't want to see sagging pants...Besides its not safe you could get hit by a car. LMAO

PUT ON A BELT!

Two sided coin of good and evil (or Two Faced)

2007-09-23T08:44:00.000-04:00

I'm glad I found this on you tube. Its from the last installment of the .Hack GU video game trilogy. Its a series parodies from .Hack GU game. It's called .Hack//4koma. It's the perfect illustration for how how I'm feeling lately.

Listen...

Listen to what Haseo (guy in the black and red) is saying. But I also recommend watching the whole thing if you want to get a chuckle, and maybe watching the other 3 on youtube because there hilarious. For the record Atoli (the girl in green) is a healer so she doesn't have any strong attacks hence the title of the parody "Stick To Healing".

People have really been getting on my nerves (customer's and employees alike). So I have been acting two faced like Haseo during his "forked tongue", "Terror Of Death days".

For example, I'm walking from an aisle from getting a price check. One of my co-workers asks me to get his cousin at register three and ask him to stop over in his department and see him. I ask him who is his cousin, I mean I was really willing to tell his cousin to go and see him. But I HAVE NO IDEA who his cousin is, and I am trying to get him to tell me this (give me a description!!!). Finally he says never mind and I'm like Okay, and turn away. As I am doing this I think to myself "How the F#%& am I supposed to tell your cousin to COME HEAR if I don't know who the HELL he is". It's just Irritating!

Then there is the customer that comes in regularly to bring in bottles for the five cent deposit. He puts up some of his bottles, and then he stops and ask for his bottle script. He still has more bottles in his cart. I ask him if he is going to put the rest of his bottles up. He tells me that they are separate. I say okay, but inside I'm rolling my eyes and saying every four letter word I can think of.

I'm not feeling very nice right now, in fact can someone tell me what genuine feelings really feel like. This may sound strange, but when I was a kid, for some reason I gave my evil side a name. It was a very unusual name now that I think about it. I named it Old Man. I can't for the life of me figure out why. I'm changing its name. Now my the other side of my two sided coin will be forever known as the "Terror Of Death". And right now that side of the coin is facing up!

Promises, Broken With the feelings of the Recluse

2007-09-15T09:56:00.000-04:00

Hi my name is Charles and I have a Question.

If someone says they will do something for you, and they don't follow through, should this fall under the "Broken Promise" category?

Hi my name is Charles and I have a few Questions for you actually.

If someone says they will do something for you and they don't follow through, or call you to let you know the reason, does this fall under the "Broken Promise" category?

If someone didn't mention the word promise, but said they would do something for you does that fall into the promise category?

I Wonder...

Last week, I was walking home one night from work, and a former co-worker who lives down the street from me stopped me. I considered her a friend, so when she wanted to chat, I was all for the conversation. She invited me on her porch and we talked. She asked me to come and play cards with her and some of her friends on Friday, and go bowling on Saturday. I eventually said yeah, and gave her my phone number, and she said she would call me on Friday.

Its sad when a person doesn't get there hopes up when someone says that they are gonna do something for someone. I didn't hold my breath as I was walking home. I knew already that I wasn't on her list of top friends (everyone has a list like that including me...its all about bonding).

Friday came along and I was sitting by the phone waiting for the call expecting it not to ring (does anyone see anything wrong here). 9:00pm I was still in my "I'm not going anywhere today anyways" clothes. By 10pm I put on my sweats (pajamas), and when 11pm came along I was fussing as if I was surprised that she didn't call. I wasn't surprised, I guess I just wanted to vent, because someone let me down (again). Everyone in my life often wonder why I'm so distant, I hope this helps to answer some of there questions.

When I say I'm going to do something for someone, I do it. If something comes up, and I'm unable to, I call and let the person or persons know that I'm sorry and I am unable to follow through, and perhaps I we can chill or whatever it may be, some other time.

The words Broken Promises keep fluttering around my Dome like butterflies made of glass Shards. This just makes me want to be even more distant when I don't want to be.

I have so many excuses and doubts running through my mind.

Maybe she forgot
Maybe she doesn't care
Maybe she forgot (cause she smokes weed)
Maybe its because we live in two different worlds like oil and water
Maybe she doesn't like me
Nobody likes me

I just feel I shouldn't even bother trying to put in the effort if I am going to be stood up and then dropped, and have my emotions fractured into a million pieces. Haven't my emotions been fractured enough in my life. It feels that way, like I've had lifetime of broken hearts. Way to many for someone at my age. I'm surprised Its still beating. I don't think I have the strength to open up to anyone else. It's so much easier on me to just keep everyone at arms length. It hurts a lot less! Though It still HURTS!

The Blogworld without Charles

2007-09-11T21:52:00.000-04:00

I guess you can say that I have been on Hiatus. I'll get back to blogging as soon as I get some oomph into my spirit.

Motivation I need motivation people.

Or maybe I just need to get laid.

In any case I hope to find one or both and I hope that they are both good!

I have plenty to talk about but I guess I could say I have been a little distracted. That and I was kind of reading a book. Really getting into reading now. I ordered two books last week.

"The World Without Us", by Alan Weisman, and Next by the master of screenplay books Michael Crichton.

I think The World Without Us seems like a more interesting book, because its one of those theory books. It asks the question, What if Humanity just vanished off the face of the Earth (Poof). What would happen to the Earth, our homes, buildings, art, Porto-Potties...stuff like that. When I heard about the book on the today show, the concept just grabbed my attention. So if I don't post again this week, it will be because I either hanged myself in a porto-potty or I am reading a book. Either way...

But I think there is 85% chance I will post again, cause I have some things I want to say and post.

Until my next post then!

Headline worthy (shrugs)

2007-09-03T22:37:00.000-04:00

Never in my live have I ever participated in anything in entertainment. I never voted on American Idol, I never met a celebrity, and I have never submitted anything to a television talk show...Until now. I'm hoping what I sent will be used. I think it was funny so maybe Jay Leno will. Last Wednesday while I was on break and bored at work I decided to read the newspaper. More Specifically the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle. Now normally I'm only interested in two sections...sports and living sections (funnies). So much for sophistication huh? Anyways for some odd reason I wanted to read something different.

I haven't the slightest reason why I decided to read something different. Maybe it was the boredom of the same ole same ole, or maybe my age is catching up to me (Who knows). I ended up picking up the local and state section(s) of the paper. I looked in the left column of the state portion of the paper, where all of the short but sweet stories are. There I saw a very humorous article. It was about a man who robbed another man of four dollars. What made it strange was that he only wanted the four dollars. For some stupid reason I sent the clipping in without copying it so I can't show you what I saw. However I managed to find another article about it online.

This is what I read:

GREENBURGH, N.Y. (AP) - A knife-wielding robber needed only $4, so he refused to take a $10 bill from his victim and waited while the man made change at a pizza parlor, police said Tuesday.

He then took the $4 and ran off, only to be captured a few blocks away, police said.

Like I said I have never sent anything in ever in my life so i'm hoping Jay will show it on his Headlines segment of the Tonight Show. I would soooo get a kick out of it! Just to see it on TV and know I sent it in would make me happy. I'm a big fan of the show and I watch it almost every night to see Jay's Monologue. I will be so sad when Jay Leno leaves the Tonight Show. I like Conan O'Brien, but Jay is funnier to me.

August Artsy Essay

2007-08-30T02:13:00.000-04:00

I'm not good at segways, but if you anyone doesn't have anything to write about, and needs some inspiration, I recommend that you enter Judith Heartsong's Artsy Essay contest. Read this post first before you join in

sqUEEZing every last drop
of sunshine out of Summer

I know for sure that I didn't squeeze every last drop of sunshine out of summer. In fact I think that the clouds were absorbing my sunshine. Turning the rays into raindrops. I love raindrops, but not the ones that were falling onto me. they were dark and dank. Every time one would hit me I felt I lost a bit of myself.

The clouds were overwhelming and the sky above my sanity seemed to sink. I was ready to give in when I heard a familiar sound. Fitting the title of the ringtone is called, "All I Got", because I was at the end of the rope and all I got left before I fell into a void was a tiny string. When I answered my phone a cloud simply vanished. It was my friend, she wanted to know if I wanted to come over and spend some time with her. At first the clouds clouded my judgment, making me think that if I was to go and visit my friend, that I would rain on her parade. I didn't answer her question on the first call, but hearing her voice made a few of the clouds vanish and the sun peer out. I don't think she has the faintest idea how much it meant to me that she called, when she did.

After we were done and we said goodbye, the clouds reformed where those patches of sunlight had appeared. I felt like I was going to scream, until realized the error of my ways. I picked up my phone and called my friend back. I asked her if her offer still stands and she said yes, so I headed out. As soon as I stepped outside the REAL sunshine shined down on me and sun-washed those figurative clouds away. When I got to her house we chatted about nothing and such, but it was just mostly being there with her that made me feel an aura of bliss.

When it was time to go she gave me a hug and I walked to the bus-stop. I don't remember much about getting on that bus, but when I got on the second bus I remember looking at the sun as it was starting to set. It became orange and beautiful, and I thought to myself, "I haven't really been looking up lately, but I'm glad I did today"!

Last Weeks Path Of Pain

2007-08-26T16:34:00.000-04:00

At the end of the week, I should do a post, or at least a paragraph in my post about the highlight of my week. If I was to do this though I would have to say last weeks highlight was that I sprained my left ankle...Again. I remember the first time I did it,it was during the summer of 1996. I was playing basketball with my brother, and I went to make a jumpshot. I don't know whether or not I made it, but I do know I let out several four letter words out of pain in front of my little brother (at the time). The doctors made me walk then, so I had no complaints because I wanted to see the movie Independence Day with Will Smith anyways.

This time around (Monday), I was on my way to work. I hadn't left my street yet, and I while I was walking I was trying to play a song on my MP3 player. I wasn't paying much attention to what was in front of me so, I didn't notice that a squirrel lost his nut. At least that's what I think was inside of that green thing that looked more like a green golf ball. When I stepped on it with my left foot, the left side of my foot touched the ground while the right side was facing up. Can you say ouch as loud as you possibly can, while mixing some four letter words in there. Oddly enough though I didn't let the pain stop me. I still ended up walking to work. While walking the pain slowly, but surely went away. I even worked my seven hour shift with little or no discomfort. It was as if I willed it away or something. After my shift was over though, the pain slowly returned. When I started walking home I could barely walk on my foot.

Tuesday, I walked up to the Eckerd around the corner from my house to get an ace bandage and some Aleeve. Lets just say that was an adventure. It took about 20 minutes to get there. Normally its a five minute walk there and five minutes back. Since McDonald's is across the street from Eckerd (soon to be Rite-Aid) I decided to stop there and got breakfast. By the time I got back home, my ankle was in worse condition than it was in before. I ended up taking the bus to work, even if I ended up an hour early. Standing was torture, I don't know how I even made it through the day, considering my other ankle is pretty bad too. Sometimes you just can't call in though, there wasn't anyone who could cover me. I got through the week, but my ankle is still bothering me. I'm gonna soak it after my day is finished.

Update: Couldn't sleep so I came back to make corrections to this post. I knew it would need some considering I have a metaphoric gun to my head. My sister was standing in back of me wanting to use the computer that she abandoned earlier. I took over it, but I ended up hurrying my typing so she would stop staring a hole through my skull. Why I put 2006 I have no idea. I first sprained my left ankle in 1996, the year Independence Day (a couple of days before) was released.

GoGo Powerful Memories

2007-08-19T09:10:00.000-04:00

Memories are a tricky thing. You never forget the memorable ones, but you can forget the last place you left your keys. Most of the time whenever we remember something from our past, it is triggered by something like our senses, or a new memory all together.

It's weird, because a couple of Saturdays back I was watching Power Rangers: Operation Overdrive (the newest version of Power Rangers). Yeah I watch Power Rangers...You got a problem with that? LOL...I have been watching it since I was sixteen. Anyways, I watched the episode where the newest rangers (overdrive) lost there powers. So the Sentinel Knight recruit five former Rangers and restore there powers. As they were revealing who the previous rangers are, I was watching. And as I was watching, I was listening. While I was listening, I heard a familiar voice. When I heard this voice, in an instant, I said to myself, "That voice sounds so familiar". The second Black Ranger ever in the Power Rangers series' name is Adam Park, which is portrayed by Johnny Yong Bosch. When they powered down and I saw his face, I was sure that I have heard his voice, but the face wasn't as familiar. So I later on I decided to log online to do a little research, and it hit me.

Everyone that read this knows I love video games. One of the video games that I am playing now is one of my favorites. In this video game there is a cast of character's with some unique voices. One of the unique voices is spoken for the character Kuhn (The Propagation). The person behind the voice of Kuhn is Johnny Yong Bosch. Like I said his voice is unique, if you voice with the face, you probably wouldn't believe it was him.

Ironically .Hack//G.U. has been compared to the Power Rangers.

I love memories, the good ones anyways.

All The Preparing In The World Couldn't...

2007-08-09T20:07:00.000-04:00

I like to think that I prepare for things. I try my best to plan something and then execute it. As we all know things don't always go according to plan though. One always remember to bring a pen, and then it leaks through your pants (me). Or you save your video game data so you don't have to start over from the beginning, and then the power goes off in your house during the save process, causing your memory card to become corrupted (me).

Normally I watch the news for the weather report on the news, or get the info online, so I know what to be ready for. Tuesday was no different. I read the report on line, and it said that it was likely to be rain. It didn't say 50% chance, it said likely, so I took my umbrella. I got nearly halfway to work (past the TV station is about halfway from my house), when it started raining. It was a steady rain at first so I kept my umbrella down, and then...

Sidebar:

Now I like the rain, and sometimes I walk in it with my umbrella down. Sometimes though, Mother Earth can act big and bad, and give you too much of a good thing (Like an Overdose). I know there is such a thing as water poisoning. You know when you drink to much water. What happened next had me thinking what would happen if I got too much water on my body.

End Sidebar

Then the rain it started falling diagonally...Almost sideways. I put my umbrella up just in time. Just in time to protect my head and chest, because nothing else was safe from the torrential torment that kept falling...crashing down to Earth. The lower part of my shirt got wet, but my pants were even worse. At first it got my backside. I had my MP3 player in my back pocket, so I had take that out and carry it in my hands along with my shirt. Then when I turned the corner the rain was falling toward the right side of my body. So then I had to take my cellphone out of my pocket and carry it along with my work shirt, my MP3 and my umbrella. It was tricky because I had to use both hands to hold on to everything, while keeping the upper part of my body dry.

My sneakers weren't even safe. The water got in them, and I ended up slushing (I was Jelling) the rest of the day. There in the garbage now, because there very smelly. The right sneaker was soaked more, because it had a hole at the top of it. Thats alright though, I was going to throw them out anyways when I buy a new pair Friday.

I couldn't even sit down before my shift started, because my butt was wet. Heck my crotch was wet too. You know how when you were a kid and you wet yourself (not that I ever peed in the bed), and your parents told you to go take a bath. So then you start walking and you feel uncomfortable, because your pajamas are wet, which in turn makes you start walking funny? Yeah well that is how I felt!

You'd think after that overdose of rain, I wouldn't want anything to drink, but I got a ice tea and gulped it down. Then I went up to the desk and complained about how cold it was. I was the only one who was cold...Hmmm I wonder why.

Boss Lady suggested that I use our little radiator that has a blower on it, to dry off. So I gave it a shot, so at least I could try and dry my crotch area when I didn't get any customers. The problem is I did have customers. By the time I would get a chance to go back and turn the radiator on, a customer would walk up to the desk. So I would have to put the damn thing down and then step out of the office, and help someone. It got so repetitive that I thought I was doing an impersonation of Homer Simpson when he said "Bed goes up, bed goes down, bed goes up, bed go down".

Heater goes up, heater goes down.

Thats not even the worse part. I was worried someone might see me on camera and think I was playing with myself or something. So I called it quits and just slushed my way out onto the desk and endured the wetness for the rest of the night. At least I know what I get when I get drenched...A cold!

So Much For First Impressions

2007-08-04T22:10:00.001-04:00

I have been debating on whether or not to post this. But THIS...It's been brewing and steaming inside my mind. Boiling until something gives.

At first when I watched the news, I thought it was intriguing because someone locally owned this website (ebaumsworld), and they sold it for over 50 million dollars. So I went there and took a look around. Looks good...videos, pictures, jokes...etc. When I looked at this one particular picture (solar Power) of four black kids toting around a stereo with one kid holding what is supposed to be a "solar panel".

That however isn't what made me upset. It's the comments below it that has me fuming. People joking about our skin color, calling us slurs...laughing it up. I'm all for freedom of speech, but this is...its just wrong.

I don't know what else to say...

How many times can I say how sad, how angry, how disappointed I feel. Other than the color of my skin, what did I do to make someone hate me. What will it take to make them accept me for who I am. I couldn't sleep the night I read those comments. It would have been worse if someone didn't actually stand up and voice their opinion to the contrary of what was said.

How can we search for intelligent life on other planets when we all can't get along here?

If your wondering why I didn't link the site to this post, its because I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Two Words No One Ever Seem To Notice

2007-07-31T22:21:00.000-04:00

I have some sloppy handwriting and it is only legible when I take my time. In fact if it was up to me, I would type everything I do on my computer. It would be pretty challenging though. I admit I get jealous when I see people some neat handwriting. However, when I am working and someone decides that they want to show off there pretty handwriting on some forms that I have to read its another story. Sure I admire it, but we when we have to input the information in our computers, we have to be able to read it right.

When I get customers writing in cursive, it gives me a headache. People actually expect you to make out what they have written. Handwriting is like snowflakes, no two are the same. Yet i'm expected to be a expert in writing.

"Umm, is that a N or an R".

"Is my handwriting that bad"?

"No its good, I just couldn't tell the difference, because you wrote it in cursive you idiot"

I think just about every application we have, just about every payment slip, or money transfer form has two of the most obvious words (isn't it obvious that everyone's handwriting can't be read, no matter how neat it is.)

PLEASE PRINT

How hard can it be? Don't tell me that people's brains are on auto-pilot when they are writing? C'mon its in both parties interests if everyone prints. That way not only we as clerks don't have to keep asking a customer if this letter is a S or the number 8, but it will also save the customer a trip, and some gas. You have no idea how many times I had to ask this one young woman if I spelled a word correctly. Her handwriting was just too bubbly. Please, you don't have to be fancy.

BE LEGIBLE!

Maybe its hypothetical...maybe not

2007-07-29T18:30:00.000-04:00

Let's say that your at work and its insanely busy, and that your ringing up an employee. While your doing this your also working on another transaction. You turn your head for a brief moment to attend to the other transaction and when you turn back, the employee who's items you scanned has walked away without paying for his or her food...What do you do?

Lets say you tell the manager on duty, and he or she decides to take disciplinary action on your fellow co-worker how would you feel? Technically this is stealing is it not? He/She didn't pay for there groceries, and they went and sat down and ate the food.

What if I told you that there was more to this story? What if I told you that this person was distracted because he/she was busy talking on the phone. Would that change anything? How would it make you feel if you were responsible for getting someone fired, because they made an honest mistake?

...I wouldn't be able to live with myself...and I would let my feelings be known.

Artsy Essay Contest: Inspiring My Heart

2007-07-22T22:12:00.000-04:00

This is my entry for Judith HeartSong's Artsy Essay contest. If you want to join in on the fun, click HERE, and read the rules first.

The theme for this month:

What is your favorite and most inspiring possession? Tell us about it, and if you want an extra creative challenge... tell us about it without naming it until the very last sentence of your essay:):):)

At first I thought this would be a toughie, so I sought advice from the one person who never steered me wrong. She told me that the possession would have to be something that I cherished the most, and that is important to me. Those words made my eyes open wide, and I realized what that possession is. Then I ran upstairs and found it, right in front of me all along.

This one's for you...my inspiration.

I get up, and the first thing I do is welcome the morning. Sometimes I welcome some days less than others. On those days, I just want to cry. That is until I see you. "When I'm low u cud ask me 2 smile and I'd do so". You give me the strength, courage, and wisdom to get through a tough day, yet remind me to take a little time and enjoy the weather. You take my hand...assuring me that everything is OK, and within a snap of my finger, the pain is gone, and in turn makes my wound heal over. There are times when I feel like I don't deserved to be happy. And then out of the blue you remind me that I'm lucky to be me, and that someday I will find that special someone.

All I have to do is believe In love.

Nighttime encroaches, and in the darkness I lay. You tell me that like a star in the sky, my heart shines, the first star I see tonight. I make a wish that somehow, that we never part ways. didja know that you are important to me, that you begin and you end my day...my collection of music.

Retraction

2007-07-21T22:50:00.000-04:00

In an earlier post (very earlier), I said that I liked one of Amel Larrieux's albums more than the other. In this post I said that I liked her album Bravebird more than her Album Morning. Honestly, I said that without listening to Morning enough. After I listened to it, to the lyrics and the music I fell in love with album. I think that she gets better with each one, so I have to say that Morning is my favorite album. She has a new album called Lovely Standards. I haven't really listened to it yet, 'cause I am still stuck on Morning. Lovely Standards is kind of smooth easy listening, It helps me relax when I'm trying to unwind.

P.S I do think about and sometimes re-read my blog posts. Especially if its an angry post. So far I think that post is the only one I feel bad about.

With Pain Comes Pleasure...I hope!

2007-07-20T22:07:00.000-04:00

A couple of Sundays ago I had an awkward conversation. It went a little something like this:

You have been demoted because my neck is killing me. There may be a day when I will need you again, like when I get sick or I need my ankle elevated, until then...

Then I realized how desperate I've become for conversation...Because I was talking to my pillow.

I can't say with certainty that my neck is 100%, but its a heck of a lot better than it was two weeks ago. At one point I couldn't even tilt my head to the left, and even when I tried for some stupid reason (ouchie), I would cheat and raise my arm and shoulder. Eventually that got better, but then for somehow my "pain in the neck" migrated from the left to the middle. I finally countered the pain with some Icy Hot pads and defeated it for the most part. The left side of my neck is still sore, and I'm still feeling a little discomfort in the middle. One of my co-workers suggested that I go and get a massage. I'm all for that, but I'm scared that I may end up getting some guy violating me instead of a woman (stupid Seinfeld episode).

I guess I can say that I learned from my pain though. When I had that "conversation" it opened up a "can of worms" of thought (isn't a can of worms supposed to be troublesome). Well it was, I came to a realization, yet I still don't have an answer to the question.

Obviously if I was sitting there talking to my pillow before bed I have issues. I'm not the only one though, just about everyone on Earth has at least one. I on the other hand, have more than one. I think I have mentioned this before...I'm shy, so I rarely ever start a conversation. When I first got my current job, I tried my hardest to greet people. I would say hi, and my co-workers would say it back to me. Eventually though I noticed, that I was doing most of the greeting and no one would say hi to me first. I know it sounds silly, but I was deprived of attention from a one of my parents growing up. I guess you could say, that I didn't feel loved enough. I felt unwanted, so when I noticed that I wasn't being said hello to me as much as I was saying hello, I felt unwanted.

Unloved!

So eventually I became afraid to say hello to people again. So every time I would walk by someone, I would stare at them wanting to say hi. So I would end up with an awkward stare, as I pass them by. And each time this would happen, I felt like I lost a little bit more of my confidence.

Rewind back to two Sundays ago, I thought to myself that maybe the problem is that I don't know exactly when I should be the one to greet someone or when I should be the one who should be greeted.

For instance, lets say if I am sitting in the break room and someone walks in, who is the greeter, and who is the greetee(OK not a real word). I don't comprehend the rules of social behavior very well. I think Data was better in social gatherings than me. Anyone have some tips and advice, I am all ears. While your at it lend me some courage.

I'm not an idiot...really

2007-07-15T17:34:00.001-04:00

Express Yourself with Gizmoz Video Clips

See what happens when you experiment with technology. You get shrunk, digitized and poorly animated...LOL.

Seriously though, one day while I was surfing the net looking at info on Apples new IPhone, I discovered something interesting. Somehow I had got sidetracked because of all of the interesting new technologies on ABC news' website, and ended up watching its "site of the week" segment. I was like cool, and I went and checked it out. I kept saying that I was going to do this, but things came up, and I kept putting it off (what's new right). Well here is my gizmoz. I dare all of you to make your own. Its fun! All you have to do is take a picture of yourself, and upload it to their site. You can't smile in it though. You have to have an emotionless face. You can also use avatars that they have already made. I just think it would be a whole lot funner to see peoples faces...that is those of us who have shared there faces in the land of the blog. I wonder what everyone think of mines? Did I get the desired laughter that I was so looking for? I'm such a attention whore. (pardon my language) LOL

Recent Observations

2007-07-07T07:01:00.000-04:00

Actually I have already noticed this, but never posted about it. Lets say you are walking along on a sidewalk, and you notice two people approaching you from the other direction, walking side by side. As those two people get ready to walk past you they continue walking in stride without a care thinking that the person walking by him or herself will move off of the sidewalk and into the grass or something worse. Is it really that hard for someone to temporarily walk behind the person they are walking with? Come on, when I am walking with someone, I have the courtesy of walking behind my friend or family member when someone walks by me. Recently I have decided to take a more aggressive approach while walking. When I see two or even three people I pick a side one the sidewalk and keep walking. I act like the people aren't even there. Force them to recognize that I am on the sidewalk and make one of them move out of my path.

I observed that people believe the majority win over minority.

Yesterday I was at a video game store to looking around to kill some time before I went to see the Transformers movie. I find something I want, but I decide not to buy it until after the movie. I come back to the EB game store and I go to buy a guidebook for a game that has been really difficult. While I am there I have a conversation with the clerk that eventually cash me out. I asked him about some games that I were looking forward too earlier and I also mentioned which gaming systems I had. Now the guidebook is all I that I want at this time, but the irritating clerk is trying to push me into reserving copies of new games that come out later on this year. At first I was thinking to myself, "be patient, he is only doing his job", but then he tried mentioning some other games, and sounded a bit frustrated. "Nah, I only want the guidebook right now". For whatever reason the annoying clerk started to get annoyed himself and said, "Nobody buys guidebooks"! I stayed calm, cool and collected, and in response I told him that I do. If I want to buy a guidebook, let me buy the freaking guidebook. When I say I don't want something else at this time, let it be the end of that. Its not the end of the world, I may come back at a later date.

I observed that business comes before customer satisfaction.

Hide 'n Seek while playing duck duck goose

2007-06-27T22:16:00.000-04:00

I have been tagged. Three times...Twice to do one meme, and once for another. I kept saying, "I will do them, I will do them", but things kept coming up. I mean there was no way in H E double hockey sticks I was going to do them on sticky days like the last few days have been here in The Roc. Before that I was on vacation, so I didn't do the one Jeff tagged me for. Sorry Jeff! Here I am now though. Its pretty hot in my bedroom and there is a thunderstorm on its way here so hey, might as well do it now since I am deathly afraid of thunder and lightening (yes I admit it)

First up, Jeff tagged me, well actually he awarded me with the

I would like to think my mom, my cousin James, my brother Jevon, and all of the little people out there...We did it. LOL

In all seriousness though, Thanks Jeff much appreciated. Being nominated and all I have nominate five blogs that make me think. Well everyone in my sidebar gets my brain juices flowing, but I will still pick five though.

The first two are MIA, but they still are worthy to tag, because they have some very good stuff in there archives that you can still Read. They are also the first two AOL Journalers that commented in.

Rebecca: Author of In The Shadow of the Iris, is a wonderful writer, and dare I say it...Poet. The first entry I ever read of hers was a Judith Heartsong Essay contest entry entitled, "Color". Awestruck with the way it was written, and (LOL) asked if there was any way I could help her to win. That's just how GREAT I thought it was. I bet if anyone was to read that post they would think the same thing.

Omar (my journal brother) is witty author of Detached and Indifferent Expressions. Omar was the first journal that I ever commented in. At first I had to look up the meanings of the words Detached and indifferent. In doing so I thought to myself that should have been the name of my blog too. He and I kind of almost have the same thought process, with the exception of OMZ being a big fan of Star Wars, and myself being a fan of Star Trek. I guess you could say that I kind of looked up to him as my "Big brother Blogger". If you want to get a laugh read his blog, it is very funny.

The next blog, has me laughing up a storm (oh my gosh you just don't know). The author of Assclownopolis is has a "Talented" sense of humor. He sees things that I could never even dream of. Although TFG I wonder if you saw today's NY post cover? It said V-D day for Paris Hilton, and the first thing I thought of was Venereal Disease Day For Paris Hilton. Serious though, TFG finds ways of making points with humor for instance.

What does the next blogger make me think of...What doesn't he? Chris the author of Inane Thoughts & Insane Ramblings, has it all in his blog. Humor, knowledge, recipes, pictures, adventures. Not only does he make me want to cook what he his cooking, but just by looking at the pictures from his family trips or his time learning martial arts makes me want to just drop everything I'm doing and just go, go, go...and give this stuff a try.

The last the last blog that makes me think is Half Full or Half Empty. And I think to myself..."Why isn't anyone reading her blog". Not only managing a baseball team for fun, but she is also playing to get into shape. She also loves animals, she just recently brought a kitten home that some jerk left in a parking lot. She really cares about the welfare of other animals, and i'm surprised that she isn't and advocate or some kind of spokeswoman for them, because she isn't afraid to say how she feels. Oh did I forget that she fishes and hunts, a woman after my heart. LOL, Now GO and read her blog.

Here are the rules of this award meme:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog).

Next Meme, I was tagged by Ari, and Chris to pick Five songs that had an impact in my life. And for some reason I must also Link Holly and Loz (who are you guys...M.u.sss.t Obeeeyyyy)

First off let me say that my interpretations of these songs and the way the artist intended them to be heard aren't necessarily on the same wavelength.

I Miss You-This song was performed by a group called Klymaxx. It was written about missing a lover, but in the eyes of a ten year old it was written because he missed his dad. When I was a kid I didn't get to spend much time with my dad...For whatever reason (I dunno till this day). Whenever I would have to go back home to my mom, I would miss him so much. One night I heard this song on the radio after he dropped me off. I cried so much! "I Miss you, its so easy to see, I miss U and Me".

That's The Way of The World-This song was performed by Cathy Dennis f. D-Mob. It had an impact on my life, but not a positive one. I was depressed because my best friend had moved away. Now that I am sitting here reading the lyrics, I understand it now, but I don't think I will ever listen to that song again. I used to think about suicide 'round that time of my life. "Nothing really matters till you make it All right all right Nothing really matters till you say The love's all gone but I keep headstrong And nothing really matters in the end".

Keep Tryin'-Performed by Groove Theory. The title of the song is self-explanatory. All of my life I've tried and tried to please others, even if it compromised my feelings. Now I try and just be myself. Everyday, I struggle to say what I feel, and everyday I struggle to say it without stuttering. Still I try. I'm trying so hard inside to become a better person. If we got to pick a song as our theme song in life, this would be mines. "Your day is coming though it seems far, things will be clear when you love who you are, nothin' can stop you as long as you listen to your heart".

Believe in Love-Performed by Amel Larrieux. When I first found out that this song was on a Christmas album, I was surprised. It didn't seem like it had nothing to do with Christmas, but in the title is the word Love right??? For everyone out there who believes in Jesus Christ knows that he loves us right??? It may not have Santa or elves or Presents mentioned in it, but it is definitely a memorable song. "Whatever you believe, whatever I believe, should make no difference as long as we believe in love".

Lose Control-Performed by Evanescence. Everyone in there life whether they know it or not has urges. Whether its risking your life on some extreme stunt, or just wanting to tell someone to go to hell when its not appropriate to do so, everyone at one time or another has wanted to do these things. And just in case you didn't know I have a dark side. "Just once in my life I think it'd be nice just to lose control- just once with all the pretty flowers in the dust".

By the way I have the songs listed in the order I heard them in my life in this post. (unintentionally LOL)

There, I'm caught up with my tags now. Now I'm tagging Omar. Thats right I'm calling you out from your absence OMZ. Everyone knows that once your tagged in the world of blogging you have to do it. Its an unwritten rule. LOL (where is he?) Also Kelly, Deslily, Jeff, Chelle, and Shari

Great Outdoors in a Vacation

2007-06-23T13:41:00.000-04:00

My vacation is almost up. It has been fun. I did almost everything I wanted. I went to the movies on Monday...my birthday. Never had I ever seen two movies in a theater in a day, but on my birthday I did. I went and Saw Pirates of the Caribbean and The Fantastic Four. I think my behind was well...behind on circulation, because my butt was asleep after that. I think maybe I should abort my no junkfood diet, because I had nachos with cheese and a Slurpee...two Slurpee's actually. I swore I would have a milkshake too. I didn't though, and there was an Abbott's Ice cream shop near my bus-stop. I didn't go though. These two guys pulled up in a truck with this big mean looking dog, so I decided it would be best if I stayed away. The bus came before they left, so I left.

That was alright though because Tuesday when I went to the town of Henrietta to do some shopping I made up for it. Its funny because I got off the bus in front of the mall, but I didn't walk around in the mall at first. First I walked to Best Buy to get a couple of DVDs. It was a nice walk, about a quarter of a mile from the mall. Then from there I walked to a plaza, to a Burlington Coat Factory, "Because there more than great coats". Now that was pretty far because I had to walk from best buy to the front of the mall, and walk through the mall's parking lot 'til I came to a crosswalk. Waiting for a chance to RUN across the street was pretty lengthy. Traffic was busy, and even when I had the crosswalk in my favor, the cars pulling out from the mall wouldn't let me cross. Eventually when I got to Burlington, I looked around and bought three pairs of pants and five shirts to replace some of the summer clothes that were ruined by the events that happened in my closet. I'm still not sure if it was a squirrel, raccoon, or opossum. Whatever it/they was/were, it/they ripped some of my pants and most of my shirts and Bills Jersey up. Not to mention my late grandmother's fur coats.

While I was at Burlington Coat Factory, I ran into one of my cousins. She was with her boyfriend (I think). He was there to fill out an application for employment (again, I think). They left as I was coming in, so I was surprised to see them sitting on a bench outside when I was leaving. We all decided to walk to the mall together. I was going back there to shop while they were going there to catch the bus. While we were walking there I noticed the sky turning gray, and in the distance it looked black. I knew there was a storm coming, but I refused to let that ruin my day. For most of the walk, we remained dry, but when we got near the mall, that's when all hell broke. Unbeknownst to me we were under a thunderstorm warning. I didn't know that the storm was going to be that bad. We were were maybe 50 feet from the door and then BAM I got drenched. My new clothes didn't get wet though for some reason, but I guess that is because fate had a different story for them.

Anyhow when I got inside, I said goodbye to my cousin, and headed for Altiers to get some new sneakers. Normally...A more accurate term would be Lately...Lately I have been buying sneakers just for work. I don't have much of a social life, as I have been in the pattern of Going To Work-Coming Home-Eating-Then going to sleep. That's how it was all through winter. I was like a bear in Hibernation, except that going to work part. I would just get one pair and wear them out walking to work. I didn't care what kind of sneakers they were as long as they were comfy. I didn't care about my looks at all. This time, I changed...I cared...I wanted to separate my work life from my social life. So now I have a nineteen dollar pair of sneakers for work, and a sixty-five dollar pair of sneakers for ME! I want to feel good about myself, so I think I should dress like it, even if I am just walking to the store or something. I should care more about me!

After buying the sneakers I walked around a bit in the mall. Nothing really interested me, so I decided to fulfill my yearning for a milkshake. I think the reason I wasn't able to get one the day before Tuesday was because it wasn't meant for me then. Believe it or not getting a milkshake was one of the reasons I left the house on Tuesday. If I had gotten that milkshake on my birthday I wouldn't have never sat down and enjoyed it at the mall with a nice slice of pepperoni pizza (mmmm...PORK). You see my cousin, her boyfriend (I think), and I were approaching the mall a bus was approaching. If I had gotten a milkshake on my Birthday, I wouldn't have even bothered going into the mall after all of that walking.

After I ate my Mmmm Pork, and shake, I caught the next bus home. Before I got on the bus, my bag of clothes couldn't take it anymore. It was wet and it was tired and weak (I guess). A hole formed in the bottom corner of my bag and my umbrella fell out of it along with my DVDs I bought from Best buy. Not only did I have to carry my bag by its handles, but I had to carry it by the hole too.

Wednesday was my Sister's Moving Up ceremony. My sister asked me if I could come awhile back, but she never gave me a specific date. I was lucky that her moving up ceremony was during the week of my vacation, or I wouldn't have been able to go. It was short, and it seemed like they were trying to get it over and done with as quickly as possible. They were supposed to have a keynote speaker, but the mysterious person couldn't make it I guess. They had some kids from the YMCA Choir sing. The two lead singers (a boy and a girl) seemed a little nervous singing to the audience although they did quite well. Then the students read a poem, it sounded like the Borg it was so bland. I think they could have put some umph into it if they tried. Afterwards, my sister took some pictures with her friends and with us, chatted a little bit, and then we Headed for IHOP. I had never been there before, so you can imagine that I was surprised to find out that they served lunch and dinner meals too. I tried something new to me. Something called Crepes. It had chicken on the inside and some kind of egg mixture on top. It was delicious. I want to go back just for that!.

Thursday I slept in for most of the day. I wasn't feeling very well, but I did manage to get out of bed and go to The Home Depot to get some supplies for outside. I felt rather nervous in there though. After my experiences at stores where people would be watching me, I felt like maybe it would happen here too. But it didn't so I calmed down. Other than buying safety glasses, a rake, a trimmer, garbage bags, dustpan with a long handle, and a sledge hammer, I didn't do much on Thursday.

Friday I tried to clean the backyard, but its like Impossible Mission Back there. Its kind of bad. We neglected it. Its our fault, but I can't do it alone though. I need help from everyone else in the house to do that. I must have filled nine bags with leaves and branches (Big Bags). I didn't even put a dent in the cleaning. I gave up and went upstairs and watched my new movies. When I say its bad back there, BELIEVE me its bad.

Today, I came online and chatted with some friends. One blogs like me, and the other is a longtime friend from High school, who I have to call in an hour and a half.

Before you know it I will be complaining about work in no time...LOL

Morale at an end

2007-06-13T10:38:00.000-04:00

My birthday is coming up next Monday, and I...I have been thinking about my life and and "being" in general. I don't exactly know when it happened but I stopped "LIVING", and I hid away not only within "MYSELF", but inside my home also. The thought of just going outside just to BE and unwind was nothing if not terrifying. Now the number 32 is right around the corner, and I can't bear to hide inside in either way mentioned above anymore. Its starting to take its toll on my sanity and my heart not to mention my mortality.

Next week I am on vacation, and I plan on doing some things that I said I was going to do last year. This time I am going to see them through. I'm going say what I feel and maybe I will actually get some understanding. I am going do what I want, and I am not going to let any demons or anyones opinions get in my way. I am going to have some fun, even if it hurts my bank account. I am tired of having nothing but regrets. I shouldn't complain about my WHAT IFS, if I haven't tried right??

I am going to take that step out of the door, and try and enjoy my life. I have too? This isn't goodbye!!! If I don't post at all next week its a good sign. Wish me luck!

(Un)Meaningful Question(s)

2007-06-09T09:08:00.000-04:00

I once got a comment telling me that I was in my element when I posed questions. So I think I will do that. I am going to try and do this every Saturday. Sometimes I will only ask one question, and other times I may ask two. When I ask two questions, one will have meaning and will be more purposeful, while the other will more than likely be more on the silly yet fun side of things. If you like, you can leave your answer in the comment section of the post, or if you don't have anything to blog about and you think this is interesting, you can do a post based on my question(s). Leave me a link so I can come read though.

With that said here we go!

(This may seem morbid but...) If you could choose, how would you want to die?

I know its an "interesting" question, but its been on my mind ever since the episode of LOST where Desmond reveals to Charlie that he keeps saving his life and eventually Charlie will die. The first three times that Charlie was supposed to die, would have been meaningless. However when death finally met up with him, Charlie died with purpose. Not only did he die knowing that Claire would be rescued someday, but he died saving Desmond from being drowned also.

Those episodes had me thinking. Thinking about how when the time comes how I would want to pass on. I know we don't really have any say in death. We can try and delay the inevitable, but it will eventually happen right. We also can't control the other people and the decisions they make around us. I could walk down my street right now, and someone could flying down my street, and lose control of their car, and hit me. We CAN reduce the risk of such things happening by being cautious, but even still with life there aren't any guarantees.

Knowing all of this I am still plagued with that question up above. How would "I" want to die? Well I know for a fact that I don't want to commit suicide, and ironically that is the one way of death I am in control of. I definitely wouldn't want to drown. I wouldn't want to suffer for a long period of time from being shot or stabbed. I could accept suffering from old age. Then there is the other way. If I could I think I would like to make a difference. If I could just do at least one thing that help someone or many people then I would be happy about that. Life wouldn't seem so fleeting. (more on this in a future post)

What do you think is the quirkiest thing about you?

Well I have some odd things about me, but I have found that I like to challenge the great theorists of our time with theories of my own (example). I recently had this thought ever since the Paris Hilton media circus started up again. I theorize that everyone on Earth has a ego Level. Some have higher ego levels than others because the earth can't handle everyone having that much hot air in their heads. If by some chance everyone's egos became as big as your average fly boy or girl, then the Earth would fall off it's axis and we'd all eventually plummet into the sun and die. Think about it though really, if everyone had big heads, they would all have their noses pointed up to the sky, and that would mean their big heads would be tilted at an angle. All of that shifting weight would be tremendous. LMAO

CALLING ALL BOTTLECAP OWNERS!

2007-06-06T22:05:00.000-04:00

Call me whatever you want. After this post you may call me...I dunno. My favorite soda is Cherry coke, and I have started to drink it again. NOT as much as I used to but still I am drinking it. Anyone that drinks coke probably knows that inside the cap there is a code that you can used one of their websites to get items. I once got a couple of MP3 songs. They weren't compatible on my MP3, but they were playable on my computer though (the dead computer).

Anyways...while working at the service desk at my job I noticed that when people turn in there plastic bottles some of them leave their bottle caps on there bottles. You know where this is going right?

Chi-CHING!

I hit a gold mine (LOL). Tall bottles, skinny bottles, fat bottles, tiny bottles. I don't care if they are finicky bottles, as long as they have a bottle cap on it from coke (or cokepane accesories...I mean other coke brands LOL). I told my co-workers that if they buy a coke drink to save there caps for me. One of them is actually saving the caps off of returned bottles like I am doing. So kind of her.

I have decided to take it to the next level. If anyone one out there has coke bottles with coke reward bottle caps on them send them to me. I'll take them, I'll take them allllll!

Read the fine Print!

Sendyourcokebottlecapstocharlesw.atabcstrochesterny12345youpaytheshippingandthehandlingkidsgetyour parentspermissionnoticethatthisisn'treallyasolitationjustmyattemptathumor.

You can send them if you want, but good luck finding out where I live!!! Ha-HAAA!

(Un)Meaningful Question(s)

2007-06-02T08:58:00.000-04:00

I once got a comment telling me that I was in my element when I posed questions. So I think I will do that. I am going to try and do this every Friday. Sometimes I will only ask one question, and other times I may ask two. When I ask two questions, one will have meaning and will be more purposeful, while the other will more than likely be more on the silly yet fun side of things. If you like, you can leave your answer in the comment section of the post, or if you don't have anything to blog about and you think this is interesting, you can do a post based on my question(s). Leave me a link so I can come read though.

With that said here we go!

I can actually place this question in both categories (meaningful and silly)...you'll understand why soon enough.

What would you do if you see a bug?

Sounds like a stupid question right. People in general would probably say kill it, and then there are some who'd say jump on a table and scream like a baby. I know some guys that would do this too. Anyways, like many questions that seem to endlessly pop in my head, I analyzed it from just about every angle.

When I was younger I liked looking at bugs. There were many times that I have interacted with them. I have been bit, stung, and crawled on. I have stepped on, captured and sprayed bugs. I guess now that I think about it, I have even lived with bugs.

People in general tend to look at bugs as a nuscance, and pay no never mind to them. Unless they come into contact with them. Lets say you seen an ant crawling on your counter top in your home. What is the first thing we tend to do. We get annoyed...right. We don't want any bugs crawling around in our homes. The next thing we do is grab some newspaper and smash that sucker out of existence. Its fine and all, I can understand how we'd want to keep our homes sanitary from bugs that could endanger ones health. I mean I would immediately kill a mosquito if I saw one in my home, so no one could be infected with West Nile virus. Lets change the scenery though.

Lets say you were outside and the bugs in question were outside too. Would you kill them then. They have a right to eat too don't they. Yet I see people just go and step on them without a care in the world (oh there just bugs). I wonder though, if there was some way to detect whether or not a life form has a soul, would we act differently. I know some people may laugh, but when I am walking, I try my hardest not to step on any insects. During the summer when a bee makes its way into my bedroom, I capture it in a bottle and release it outside. I just think that they have a right to exist too. If there were no sidewalks and know streets, there would still be bugs crawling and flying around us. They have to search for food too. If the roles were reversed and they were towering over us, how would we feel? I know I wouldn't want to be stepped on...would you?

In some ways I do feel like a bug though. If went and committed a crime (for example a DUI), I'd most likely be thrown in jail and given my full sentence. Unless of course I am some big celebrity or rich person that people seem to worship. Then I'd get out and have my fans sign petitions to have my sentence reduced. A crime is a crime. There shouldn't be one punishment for someone as big as the stars, and one for someone as small as a ant. If you kill someone you should go to jail for life. If you are driving while under the influence than you should serve the time given to you.

I don't care how many signatures you get, or how famous you are. If you get 46 days than that 46 days should stick (if you ask me 46 days wasn't enough). And when she gets out and kills someone under the influence then what. She'd probably serve community service unless she hit someone else famous. How do you expect someone to learn from there mistakes if you pat them on the shoulder. Treat them like a "bug". Like you treat me. Don't give them a slap on the wrist. There shouldn't be two types of justice! There should only be one!

For Jodi

2007-05-31T10:34:00.000-04:00

Actually this should be called, "Jodi Tag", but Naaaah! I didn't even notice the tag until she gave me the heads up, and even then I still managed not to do it until now. Lets just say i'm not a morning person. In any case Jodi, I don't know which one you tagged me for, so I will do them all.

First Up

a. I will write 10 interesting things about myself.
b. Then tag 10 people.
c. If you’ve been tagged, you do your own list and tag 10 more people. (”No tag backs.”)

1. I tend not to kill bugs when I see them. (maybe i'm on a guilt trip.)

2. When my foot is bothering me and I am walking home, I tend to count as many of one particular thing as I can see before I get home, to distract myself.

3. I don't feel interesting.

4. I have a spontaneous sense of humor.

5. My astrology sign is almost on the bullseye.

6. There are days where I could hug people, and there are days where I could strangle them.

7. If something of mines broke, and it is really really important to me, I'll go out and replace it the same day if I had the funds and a way to get it.

8. When I want REALLY want something, I can't get it when I want it.

9. I have never seen a National Monument in person.

10. I saw the Twin Towers for the first time (and the last) from a distance, a week before they were destroyed.

Here are my ten people. Ronnie Bobby Ricky and Mike, Greg, Marcia, Jan, Peter, Bobby, and Cindy. LMAO

The second meme is, "Eight random/strange facts about Me".

1. When I was 13 I wrote a few rap songs. I threw my raps through a hole in an unfinished room in a house we were renting, in the hopes that someone would find them and make me famous. However it never happened because the house burned down.

2. My ears don't match.

3. I pick my lips when I get worried.

4. I like ranch salad dressing on my macaroni and cheese.

5. Without warning I could start lip singing one of my favorite songs.

6. I almost always feel like an underdog, so I always root for the underdog.

7. Sometimes when I am playing a video game I act out the lines along with the characters. (hey I did say I wanted to be a voice actor)

8. I still carry my MP3 with me on days I don't even listen to it as a form of comfort and as a barrier.

The 3rd and final meme. "Ten things that make life grand".

1. Sunrise on a beautiful day.

2. Amel Larrieux's songs.

3. Everyday that I can still walk is grand.

4. Walking in the rain on a bad day.

5. A great tasting Cheese cake (I wish I could have one now...Mmmmm)

6. Blogging makes me pretty happy.

7. A peaceful night where there is no noise, and no loud neighbors.

8. My Nephew's smile. His smile always makes life grand.

9. and 10 are reserved for when or if I ever will find love and become a parent, because that would make me feel the grandest of them all.

I'm not going to really tag anyone, because I may be doing some tagging on Saturday. If you didn't know some of these before now you know.

Thanx for Tagging me Jodi.

Agents working as Optometrists???

2007-05-26T08:14:00.001-04:00

Its been damn near a week...Again!

Okay, I know, I know, I need an excuse as to why I haven't posted in six days...I have one for ya!

The reason is that my eyes have been bugging me. It turns out that it wasn't eye strain from being on a computer all day at work, and at home. Well maybe a little...20/80, maybe 30/70. Well I don't know anything about ratios so I will just skip that. I have been having problems with my vision for a while now. Even with my glasses my vision seemed a little off, and I'd still get these throbbing headaches that made me feel like some of my blood vessels in my brain were going to explode.

I would have went to get my eyes checked sooner, but the calendar at work was filled with a number of requests off, and I didn't exactly know how to get to the optometrist on the bus-line. Truth is I was afraid that I would get lost, so I wanted to get a ride from my brother or mother. The only problem is I had to find a day that one of them had off, that wasn't filled on the calendar. Couldn't find one...well actually I did. My mother's birthday was free, but the hell with that.

There were days where I was actually put my head against my register, or hid behind the bottle machines and just closed my eyes, just to try and relax them. Finally it got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. I decided that I needed to do this on my own regardless of my own self-doubt of my abilities as an independent. So last week I called and made the appointment, and then I went online to check out the city buses' website, to see which buses I could take to get me to Empire Vision. That process was kind of hard, because RGRTA (which I will be referring to as RTS after this) only had landmarks listed as options for a destination. I had to go to mapquest.com to get the address of the Empire Vision center that I went to two years ago. Oh I forgot to mention that they moved from there original location. I got the address, copied and pasted it to the destination portion of "Trip Planning" and I think I got 4 possible bus routes that I could have taken to get there.

My exam was Thursday. I got there about an hour early. One of the employees there said she would see if she could get me in early, but that didn't happen, and I was okay with that. I really didn't have anything frustrating happen to me, well except that they were talking about the season finale of LOST. Which I hadn't seen yet. It made me start saying stuff in my head like, "no no no no I'm not hearing you", and "Charlie isn't dead yet".

When it was time for my exam I met my optometrist for the day. I know that there are weird people in specific professions, but I had no idea...

When I first heard this guys voice and the way he said my name (Mr. W-), immediately the first thing that came to my mind was Agent Smith from The Matrix. This guy didn't look like Hugo Weaving, but he did kind of resemble the character Agent smith took over in the "real world" during The Matrix: Reloaded. We had no conflict or confrontation. Although the guy wouldn't look me in the eye, which was kind of irritating. "Agent Smith" proved rather useful though. He diagnosed me with astigmatism. Its not that my eyes got any worse, they just became "different". I got my glasses yesterday, and hopefully the headaches will be gone for good. Funny thing is my sister has an astigmatism to, and when I looked through her glasses, I noticed a weird looking distortion in them, yet I can't see it in mines. This made me wonder if the optician didn't put the correct prescription in my lens. The again, when I wear the glasses I feel kind of weird. Just like "Agent Smith" said I would feel. Maybe i'm just not supposed to see the distortion. In any case I have to get use to my new glasses, and find a case for them that fit.

This was like a Barbara Walter's Interview

2007-05-20T20:21:00.000-04:00

So theres this meme going around, if you want the person to ask you five questions, you just say, "Interview Me". Since Chelle had Chris interview her, I decided that Chelle would get the chance at being Barbara Walters. At first I hesitated to say "Interview Me", because I wasn't sure what I was getting into. Now I know! These are some tough questions...Sort of.

1. Is there a certain scent or sound that sparks a good memory from you past? If so, what.

I swear I had this question before, it must have vanished into the abyss or something. At first I didn't think that I had any good memories. I had a pretty rough childhood. There were some good memories, but I guess there is only one batch of memories that matter. I guess this would fall in the category of sound and sight. Whenever I am playing a video game I think of when my brother and I would play. Whether it was co-op or against one another, it was fun. Now we don't get together as much so its at least nice enough to have those memories...Like this one.

2. How did you come to like, forgive my speeling, amrel lemuex?
(Its Amel Larrieux! You did that on purpose Chelle grr...) lol I could go look at yer blog to speel her name correctly. When was the first time you heard her?

If it wasn't for the (in my opinion) the bad direction that rap took, I would have never started to listen to R & B. So eventually I started listening to Mariah Carey. Eventually Mariah changed her type of music, and I lost interest in her. In 1995 I was on the verge of giving up on music and then one day I turned on the TV to watch MTV. A video countdown was on. What are the chances that the first video that I saw restored my faith in music and give me a new favorite singer...Not to mention some damn good music. Before Amel became a Solo Artist, she was a part of a duo (With producer Bryce P. Wilson) called Groove Theory. The first song released on their debut album was called "Tell Me". It was also their first music video too. Not only did Amel's singing and beauty catch my attention, but her hairstyles did too. You see in the video "Tell Me" she had two different hairstyles, and everytime they would show her wearing the second hairstyle, I would think that she was another woman. I thought Groove Theory had more than one woman in their ranks. It turned out that I was wrong. And if that didn't make me her fan, the fact that the MTV VJ thought the same thing, clinched it. (Tell Me if you want me to, give you all my time, I wanna make it good for u, cuz u blow my mind, I promise Girl that I'll be true, ur the perfect find, so Tell me if you want me to)

3. You have been doing so well with your goal to eat better. Are you this way with all goals you make for yourself? Is your willpower this strong at all times? Or was there a time you did not follow through and regret it?

HAH! I wish! I made a lofty goal on purpose, just so I could stop myself from eating sweets (kind of as a way to trick myself). Mainly the the BIG THREE (Reeses Peanutbutter Cups, Oreo cookies, and Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies). I ended up eating those TV dinners that I said I wouldn't, and I also had a milkshake, and some nachos with cheese, oh and two pieces of small candy from Japan (I was curious). Other than that I am doing fine. To put it in a nutshell, I am NOT good with all of my goals...Gosh NO. In fact I have been trying to get a car for the last seven years to no avail. My willpower...I have no willpower. To prove it, I'll have a Jedi do a mind trick on me. Seriously though, I may not have strong will power, but when a crucial time comes, I do step up and get some serious determination, and when that happens...Watch OUT!

4. You are such a great uncle. What age do you think is too old to become a parent for the first time?

First let me say thanx for the compliment! Personally I think as long as a person has enough life in them to raise a child and as long as a person has the energy and the patience to take the role as a parent, than I think a person at 60 could become a parent. Heck I read in a paper awhile back that a 65 year old woman gave birth to a healthy baby. So HEY more power to her. So whether its by giving birth or adopting, what I think doesn't really matter where a potential parent is concerned. Let me just add that there are so many children out there without parents that need love and attention. Sure there are infants, but there are also young children that need adopting. They deserve love too.

5. How do you feel about interracial relationships? Have you ever been attracted to a vanilla chic? Heck even any othah flavor?

Hey it was supposed to be five questions, your sneaking in bonus ones into this interview. Wow this is an interesting question. I have never been asked this before in blogworld...
First let me just say, that for the rest of my life I will be a African American, or a black man...or another word, that I choose not to say. For the rest of my life I will be stared at when I go somewhere where I don't fit because of the color of my skin. For the rest of my life, there will be some people from different races that will walk by me and either feel hatred towards me, or feel intimidated by me. One day I was with a friend, she is vanilla (as you cleverly put LOL). We went to a mall and ate at a friendly's restaurant. I can't tell you how many stares we got, while we were there. Not to mention the fact the waitress didn't serve us in a timely matter. It made me feel so uncomfortable. So unwanted, but I sat there, and you want to know why, my friend sat there with me. She didn't care what they thought about us. We aren't even in a relationship, we are just friends. They just made an assumption. So what I'm saying is YES, oh yes. As long as she (NO matter what her ethnicity is) is willing to be with me, than the sky is the limit, and we can fly over the unsteady eyes together. Yes I have been attracted to "Vanilla Chics" before (still am, and always will be attracted to them). Vanilla, caramel, chocolate, cocoa...I love ice cream! LMAO. Yeah I have, and I think I have been shot down by a woman of every ethnicity. For the record I have bad luck when it comes to women. I always end up being "just a friend". I'm thinking its because of the geek in me. I could go on with this a little further...about relationships in general, and whether or not I'm ready to be in one, but you didn't ask...HAHA.

If you are brave enough to play….
Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.You will update your weblog with the answers to the questions.You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

At least I didn't die!

2007-05-18T10:30:00.000-04:00

This May started off in a seemingly never ending way. You see I posted on May first, and didn't post again until May 13. Part of it was because of what I thought was me being sick, which in fact may have been allergies.

I had a slight fever, a runny nose, watery eyes, and sneezing that never seemed to end. I felt like crap...No wait crap probably wouldn't want to feel how I felt.

Achoo!

I said that more than anything else, and I was like that for a little more than a week. I would have thought it was the flu or something, if my friend and co-worker didn't point out that her husband was having problems with allergies, and that I could be dealing with it as well. To my knowledge I never had any problems what so ever with allergens. I wonder whats going on now.

Finally I am all better, but you know what??? My computer isn't! A couple of days ago, my computer died on me. I didn't even know it. I was lying in my bed trying to get some sleep, when all of a sudden, my door opens. "Charles did you know your computer isn't working"? I had no clue. I went downstairs and pressed the button on the tower to turn it on...NOT A PEEP! I went and got the manual to look at the trouble shooting section. It said to leave my computer unplugged for about a minute and then try turning it on. Nothing happened, so I became upset, and I didn't want to talk to anyone asking me obvious questions (your computer's not working). I unplugged it and left it in a corner and tried it the next day, still nothing. I think the thunderstorm we had the night before my computer officially said adieu struck it down.

Its funny though, I had a surge protector. Didn't I just restore it from a computer virus? Ugh...Anyways I gave up and decided to buy a new computer with my car money. I'll post about my new computer some other time. At least I will be able to play that new game Spore when it comes out, and at least I don't have to worry about color schemes and cordless mouses for the time being. That reminds me. I wonder if I can play That old Star Trek: TNG game I have that was too much for my dead computer. I'm going to find out. Most likely I can, but apparently I can't use my computer to watch LOST episodes online with there new viewer. I thought everything should be compatible with Windows Vista by now.

In The Hopes That This will Help me Unwind

2007-05-13T22:00:00.000-04:00

Occasionally, I have to close on Sunday. I don't mind in the football off-season. So I was glad to give the mothers a break today. It was a quiet day for the most part. I had know problems and nothing to challenging to do. So I did some odds and ends things like a little organizing. Eventually I got bored with that and I decided to go and get our Compliance quiz for Western Union and Money Orders to study it. I have a feeling I am going to get stuck with the Audit again. It always seems to happen when I am the opener on a weekday (which is even more rare).

Anyways, one of the questions on the quiz is, "What triggers a customer into filling out a CTR (Currency Transaction Report)? The answer by the way is a customer sending more than ten thousand dollars via Western Union.

It's ironic that I was studying the quiz and a customer comes in to send a THIRTEEN thousand dollar Western Union. Unfortunately she came after my help left, and unfortunately I may know everything there is to know about CTR's, and what triggers it, but when it comes to actually doing it, I admit I get panicky. The highest amount on a western union I have ever did by myself was five thousand dollars. About three or four years ago I did one for ten thousand dollars, but my boss lady was with me, and she knew everything. I had it made then. Tonight, was had me a bit nervous. I called the boss lady and she told me where the CTR form was, and what I needed to do. Then I called the Manager on Duty to help me count all of the money. That didn't work out very well at first because it was way too much money to count by hand. Luckily for us that TODAY WITH THE MODERN TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCES MAKING LEAPS AND BOUNDS, THEIR WAS A MIRACLE WITHIN OUR GRASP.

A Cash scale! (Isn't that so cool)

So we used that to count all of the money (even though I still had to count it all by hand when I had to count out). It wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I was panicking at first thinking that I was alone in this, when I wasn't. I got the help I needed and I am very grateful for it. The only problems I had was that it would take time, and I was the only one in the store trained to do the service desk. So the other customers had to wait, and I was sorry for that. The other problem was, it was such a large sum of money. I was worried that I would have some kind of dumb luck and some criminal would come in and rob me. FORTUNATELY NOTHING LIKE THAT HAPPENED.

Thank Goodness.

So all that was left for me to do was to finish the transactions. We couldn't do it all on one, so she had to fill out three forms. The max that you can send per transaction via a quick collect is five thousand dollars. Usually I get out a half an hour early. Tonight I left fifteen minutes late. It was a little unnerving, but since we made the customer happy, and since she smiled at me and thanked me, I figured that it was worth the the difficulty.

Two things

2007-05-01T22:35:00.000-04:00

First thing!

I was on my break earlier this evening. The Six o'clock news was on, and I really didn't want to hear about anything bad so I changed the Channel looking for some laughs. The Simpsons come on at 6 in syndication on our local fox station. So I watched that and got a few laughs, when all of a sudden, "We interrupt regular programming for the following Special Report". Damn more bad news, can't I watch Homer Simpson stuff a slice of pizza in between his fat rolls without being interrupted because the president vetoed a bill that EVERYONE ALREADY KNEW HE WAS GOING TO VETO IN THE FIRST PLACE...HELLO. Not to mention the fact that it was on three other networks, and one of those three owns the fox affiliate. I got up and turned the TV off! They just want to make themselves look good and the Democrats look bad. Either way I don't care about there bickering. What I care about is lives are being lost, while cheap talk and posturing on both sides is wasting time and the very money they need for the war. It just goes to show you that politics is just bull. Nothing but a waste of time if you ask me.

Secondly

Everyone knows by now that I am counting down to Amel Larrieux's new album, and I want it badly. But...Do you know what I am really dying for??? I have been waiting for it since October of last year, and now its seven days away. I have been waiting for .Hack GU Volume 2 Reminisce. I have been dying for it, and I can't wait until I can become the "Terror Of Death" again. The .Hack games have become my favorite now over Final Fantasy. It may surpass Xenosaga if I like volume 2, Especially if it has more scenes like the one below. One thing is for sure though, Haseo has taken Over as my favorite video game character. Now I have a dark character that I can relate to and a character of light that I can relate to, even though Spider-Man is going through a dark period right now. I wish I had this kind of power. I could rule the world HahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA. (LOL) Then there would be no preempting of my favorite shows, unless it was really really important.

A-Z Questions.

2007-04-30T10:19:00.000-04:00

I was tagged by Shari! I didn't even know it because I had been a little distracted and haven't really done any blogging of any kind. I got a lot of things to write about, but no motivation.

A- Available or Single?
Single (don't wanna be)
B- Best Friend.
Miss her
C- Chocolate cake or chocolate pie?
Cake (Wonder what Chocolate pie taste like!)
D- Dress up or casual? (your typical attire)
Casual, You'd only catch me in Dress clothes at an interview, wedding or my funeral.
E- Essential Item.
My playstations 2 and 3.
F- Favorite Color.
I typed with it! Oh and red.
G- Gummi Bears or Worms.
Worms, but I can't eat them right now. (sigh)
H- Hobbies
blogging, reading, gaming, gaming and more gaming, listening to music. I would like to start riding a bicycle again.
I- Indulgence
Gaming.
J- January or February
January, because it's warmer. LMAO February can be bone-chilling.
K- Kids
I hope someday that the answer to my prayer is yes.
L- Life is incomplete without…
purpose, and finding that special someone
M- Money or Love (unlimited)choose only one.
Definitely Love! Money doesn't last, but I believe even through death my love will still be there.
N- Night Owl or Morning Person
Night Owl-i'm Zombie Charles in the morning.
O- Oranges or Apples?
Oranges
P- Phobias/Fears.
Heights, and large crowds
Q-Quote personally from you.
I don't have a personal quote. You can quote me on that.
R- Rock Star or Actor (which would you be?)
Actor, well a voice actor anyways.
S- Share something you've learned recently
I learned that I think differently from other people. I see things differently from the majority and for that I am on the outside looking in. It's alright though, sometimes it can be like watching a movie.
T- Tag Three People.
They won't do this but. Ari, Omar, and Chelle.
U- Unknown or little known fact about you.
My right ear is slightly deformed. No one wouldn't notice it unless I mention it.
V– Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals.
Oppressor! Animal flesh...Yummy
W- Worst habit/habits.
I pick my bottom lip when I become worried about things. Sometimes until it bleeds.
X– XXXXs or OOOOs
I don't play tic tac toe anymore.
Y- Your "first love" ...what was their name?
Pon, but she didn't feel the same way as I did.
Z- Zodiac sign
The Twins!

Something That Reminds Me of You

2007-04-23T11:23:00.000-04:00

I have been blogging for a little over two years now, and I feel that I have gotten to know some people through their blogs. Some are still here while others have either left or are basically on there way out and haven't come to terms with it yet. Either way I still think about them, and how some of there posts have impacted my life and a memorable way. Hey whether you are here or not, or whether or not you still read me I still read you, and for some reason, sometimes I find that I see things that remind me of certain bloggers and there blogs.

See if you can figure these three pictures out before you click them to find out who they remind me of whenever I see them.

When I first saw this first one, I instantly came up with the idea for this post.

Did I mention that I have been planning to do this for months. I had been itching to scratch this instant lottery ticket.

Saw this one on the way to work almost everyday that I walked on the particular route that it's on to get to work. I smiled every time that I saw it, and thought to myself, "That's so Wrong" (LOL).

If you knew the next bloggers screen-name than you'd know why the next item always reminds me of him. LMAO

This is actually margarine and not butter, but it still has the same effect.

Those are some of a few things that remind me of bloggers out there. There is more though.

If I turn on a TV and Star Trek is on, the first person that come to mind is Deslily. She knew Deforest Kelly, which is SO cool. I never pictured him as any other character other Than Doctor McCoy. I stood corrected when I read one of her blog posts about other films and TV shows that he did.

When I watch a cooking show like Rachel Ray, I think of Chris. The way he talks about the foods he cook makes me hungry and makes me wish that I could teleport to his house when he has a barbecue.

When I look at my yard I think about Chelle, because our yard is in bad condition, and whenever I hear about how she is going to hook hers up and what not, it makes me wish that I could make a garden or that I could walk into my back yard and see deer or exotic birds that we don't have here where I live.

All of you have something special or a gift or a talent, or even a blessing that I wish I could have at least fraction of.

For the record, I finally scratched the bedazzled ticket. I lost! Better luck next time.

Hey if you don't have any inspiration for a blog post, why not give this a shot.

Later!

Thursday Thirteen

2007-04-19T10:33:00.000-04:00

I haven't did a T-13 in a long, long while so I thought it would be fun to do one again

Here We Go!

Thirteen Questions I am tired of hearing at work!

1. Do you have a bathroom? Yes and before you ask me where it is let me just stab my pen into my brain, in the direction you should go.

2. Are you open? If I wasn't, then why am I standing here.

3. Is tonight the Mega Millions or the Lotto? For the last time, Mega is on Tuesdays and Fridays, and the New York State Lottery is on Wednesdays and Saturdays. How many times have I told you JEESH!

4. Where are the shopping carts? You just came from outside right???

5. What time is your Citizen's Bank open 'til? First off, it's not my bank and second, if you are a member shouldn't you know already?

6. What time does your bottle return area close? HELLO, it's at the desk? What time does the desk close?

7. What time do you stop doing Western Union? Read number six!

8. How do I get to your store? Do I look like a map?

9. (question I have to ask) Good morning/afternoon/evening Thank you for calling _______ This is Charles speaking, how may I help you?

10. Do you sell Darien Lake tickets? NO haven't in years.

11. Do you sell Kegs? Get your drink on somewhere else!

12. (during a holiday week) What time does your store close? 6O'clock 6O'clock 6O'clock 6O'clock 6O'clock 9 O'clock 9 O'clock 9 O'clock 9 O'clock 9 O'clock. Sometimes during the holidays when we are open regular hours and I get asked that question. When I tell them we are open our regular hours they ask, "what time is that"? grrr

13. Can I get a roll of quarters from you? When I tell them no that I don't have it, they get mad, and throw a tantrum. Once I really said what I felt. "We are not a bank sir"! I felt so much better afterwards.

Wishing for happier Z's

2007-04-15T03:21:00.000-04:00

I just had what I would consider the worst nightmare this year. It doesn't make much sense so bear with me.

I'm walking through what appears to be a hallway in "school" (at least that's what I think it is), when all of a sudden I see a crowd of people. In this crowd I see a guy punch someone. It turns out to be a young woman, one who I used to know at work. I used to work with the guy too. All of a sudden the crowd gets pissed at him, and he picks her up, and walks away with her. I can visually see her crying. What happens next is even more weird. I continue to walk the hallway when I come across my brother, but not my brother. He says hi to me and I say hi back, all the while his face keeps changing, between his and someone else's. Then we part ways and I am heading downstairs via some escalators, but before that, I come to a strange coin. It's not perfectly round. Its more like an oval shape. I noticed that it had a picture of what I think was a woman on it, but I wasn't to sure. It turns out I wasn't the only one who noticed, because someone else walks up to me and asks me if they can see it. I let the person hold while they are taking a look at it. The next thing I know, he throws it to the floor. I pick it up and head outside.

Miraculously (poof), I'm outside with all of my other "classmates" standing on a huge mound of snow. Most of us are on it, but some were standing in snow on the ground. I noticed that the the young woman and the guy who punched her were smiling to each other. I also noticed that across from us there was another large mound of snow covering a building and a street sign. (I know so far this isn't scary...here it comes.)

All of a sudden things start to change. You know those jet planes that you see millionaire's have in the movies? Well I see one of those fly by us, and as it does the scenery changes. It goes from winter to Springtime at night. All of a sudden all of us are standing in front of a house, and down the street at a corner things are about to change big time. There was a house, probably as big as ours. I don't exactly remember the color, but I do remember seeing the wires branching off into another direction toward a pole and some nearby trees. The house was at a corner, at the end of our street on the left side. If it had an address it would have been listed as the other streets name.

We could see the back of the house, but not before the jet plane crashed into it. I stood there for a few seconds in disbelief. Then I decided to run towards the house. I grabbed my cellphone in panic and dialed 911. I don't even think I told them where all of this happened. I also noticed other people looking out of the windows to see what was going on. When I got there I noticed one person looking out of a broken window who look like she should have been dead. No one in the top half of the house should have survive. When the others and I got to the front of the house we saw some little children sitting out on the porch crying. I told the others to take them back to the house while we try and check for survivors. Then I woke up.

It seemed so real and so scary, but now that I'm awake thinking about, It seemed that the house should have been obliterated by the high octane fuel when the plane crashed into it. I didn't even notice any debris, and the flames weren't as bad as they should have been. Still thought it was very scary. I think next time I won't experiment with my routine before bed. One thing is for sure, I have been welcomed to insomnia land with open arms. It's 4 in the morning, and I have to start walking to work at 6am. I think I am going to sleep when I get home from work. During the daylight!

Bring Back The Cords

2007-04-13T10:48:00.000-04:00

The mouse connected to my PC is in its last days. So last month on March 23rd, I decided that I needed a new one. I went to my favorite store (Best Buy) to buy one and Photoshop Elements 5.0 as well. When I got to the section an Employee came over and asked me if their was any particular type of mouse that I was looking for. I told him not really, and then he started point out different types of mouses their were. Most of the ones he pointed out were Cordless.

I like the idea of living comfortably, but I don't need everything in my life made easy. Especially if it will cost me, and I'm not talking about the price of the mouse either. If I buy a cordless mouse, that means it would require me to plug it in somewhere to charge it. That means another spot on my Surge protector that I do NOT have.

Cable Modem
Speakers
Monitor
Computer
Printer/fax
Lamp

Besides, that would mean I'd have to waste more electricity when I could just plug one with a cord into the back of my computer. So finally I tell him that I don't want a cordless mouse. He tells me okay and he points to the three (Yes THREE) standard mouses on there shelves. None of them really matched the color scheme of my PC so I sat there trying to see if I could find any other "mice" cords on the shelves.

What happened next was hinted on my April 9th, 2007 post. I'm kinda used to that, but to actually hear the guy who "helped" me whispering that he was watching me, was upsetting. But that is not what this post is about.

Finally I just picked one because of the conversation that I heard, and took my stuff to the front to pay and leave.

My point is everything is going cordless. We have our phones, we have our remotes, we have our car starters, we have our video game controllers (i'm gonna take a look around the house), hand-held video game systems, Cell-phones, MP3's, speakers, headphones, and headsets. I probably didn't even cover everything, and these alone can make your electric company happy.

I think I can only go so far into the 21st century. I'm happy not being up to date with with all of these technological Marvels. Save some money in the process too.

Hey Corporate America, Everyone in the World isn't rich. Bring back the cords!

I'm Not Open...Now, There Their It's Alright

2007-04-10T10:16:00.000-04:00

I've always realized that the English language had words that are pronounced the same way, but with different meanings.

Where-wear

are-our (kind of)

hear-here

mail-male

know-no

won-one

write-right

I admit that the words "are" and "our" throw me off once and awhile, but the two words that always seem to get me ARE "there" and "their". They always catch me in THEIR web of similarities. I bet if you look back in all of my post I used the context of those to words in the wrong way. I'm probably using it the wrong way now. Lately I have been trying very hard to use those two deceptive words the way they are (they're LOL) supposed to be used. I never realized something so silly could be so hard. I didn't care I would just put up any THERE OR THEIR up like an Osbourne would say a swearword. Was I trying to make a point??? Probably not, but I challenge any of you who don't have A degree in the English language to write a post using THERE or THEIR the right way. Before you do, check all of your previous posts.

There-Referring to a place that has already been mentioned.
Their-Belonging to them or belonging to a thing.

Last night after I had closed, I had a woman who came up and asked if I was closed. She came up earlier to cash in some lottery tickets, and THERE weren't any close signs up. The second time around the signs were up, and I was in the office counting out. I didn't have one sign, not two signs-I had three close signs on the counter top of our desk. I wasn't even out on the floor. I was in the office counting out. Am I closed?

Yes

Obviously, yet she kept asking if I was closed. She was short, but not short enough that she couldn't see the signs. I was back in the office trying to decide whether or not to step out onto the desk and tell her that I was closed. As usual though, I was analyzing the possibility that she was smarter than I gave her credit for. She could have either:

1. Been blind as a bat.

2. Dumb as a doorknob

Or three, trying to lure me from the office to ask me to cash her ticket. So I decided that I would stay back THERE and yell to her that I was closed, but for some reason she didn't hear me.

Must have been 4-Deaf as a squid. Finally she walked away and asked someone else, and boy was I relieved.

This may seem like a video game post

2007-04-09T09:02:00.000-04:00

Last Friday, I was supposed to go and visit an acquaintance but I couldn't, because my youngest sister was ill. My mother asked me to stay home and check up on her from time to time. So I agreed, but I told her that I would leave for a little bit and go to a mall to pick up a DVD that I wanted and a game.

When I got to the GameStop at the mall. I asked the clerk if he had Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. He said yes, and got it for me. All while this was happening I noticed his cheerful demeanor had changed. It looked as though he wished that he wasn't there anymore. I was curious, I thought it was something I said, or had done (Did I put deodorant on this morning). I know I did, so it must have been something else. Then I notice him gulp some air and finally he said, "We have to ask for ID now when ever someone buys certain video games".

He then told me that it had something to do with Senator Hillary Clinton wanting to make a law requiring video game stores to proof people that look too young to purchase video games rated Teen or Mature. He said that their store started enforcing the policy so they could get ready when and if it became law. I laughed at him and asked him in a nice way if I looked under thirty. I gave him my ID and said, "sure no problem, I understand, because I proof people at my job". I didn't even know the game had a Mature rating. I discovered after I purchased the game it was because it has beer in it as one of its drinks, and it has some sexual references. I had already knew about the blood and gore.

I thought to myself, what made him nervous about asking me for ID. I know there are some bad apples out there who get upset when you ask for ID, but not when it comes to a video game. This only seems to happen mostly when someone is aching for cigarettes or alcohol. I admit I did feel a little hurt, but not by the question. I felt hurt by his reaction. I kind of felt like he had a bad experience with another African American, and it was stereotyped onto me. He seemed like a nice guy and all, but his reaction made me a little nervous. I was thinking about not going back there, but then I realized that I have gotten the same reaction just about everywhere that I have been (followed or awkward looks as if I don't belong there). Besides, he managed to get me to reserve a copy of the next .Hack game that I have been waiting forever for.

Anyone remember last year's story meme???

2007-04-07T14:22:00.000-04:00

Last year at the end of April I did a Meme (a what? Hope I didn't scare anyone). I began a story, I set up the story, and when I got to a point where I felt I could let someone else continue, I tagged them. I got a few people interested, but it never got finished. So I have decided that I will begin it again and finish it. I didn't want to leave in limbo, and I don't have much to write about now anyways, so I guess I could do this. I'm no storyteller, and I never wrote one before, but I will give it a shot!

Three Months Down

2007-04-02T11:28:00.000-04:00

December 27th, 2006, I decided that I wouldn't eat certain foods for a whole year, and while I did fail at preventing myself from eating one of the types of foods listed, I'm still continuing on with the ones I haven't given into.

The whole purpose of this ordeal was because of high cholesterol and lack of energy, self-esteem, and because I'm not in shape. Also because all of those sweets that I have been eating will eventually catch up to me, and I don't think that I would like the consequences of that.

It has been a rough three months. At first I was dying for my Little Debbie Snacks, but then eventually that craving went away. I actually walked by a display at work, and thought to myself, "eh...Not interested". So I'd like to think that I am doing pretty well. I haven't been to a McDonald's, Burger King, or a Wendy's since either. Hopefully I can keep it that way too.

I can't deny that there have been cravings. In fact, last week I had a dream that I was eating a tub of sugar cookies that I used to buy at work. I could taste them in my sleep, and I didn't have a care in the world. It was as if I was in some other Charles' body in some other dimension eating a big bowl of cookies and loving it. Cookie Monster had nothing on me in that dream, and when I woke up I wanted to strangle that dream. I felt as if my sub-conscience is in a battle with my will power for control of my eating habits. What I want to know is, who has dreams about eating??? First time that I recall ever having a dream like that.

However I did do one thing that I have mixed feelings about. I drunk and energy drink from Mountain Dew. I kind of feel bad for doing it, but at the same time I don't. Doesn't make sense right!!! Well Last Sunday (not this past one, but the one before) I was so tired, because I didn't get any sleep the two nights before. I came to work exhausted, and as we all know fatigue isn't a valid reason to call in. So the whole time I'm at work I am standing there, and the only thing keeping me from falling over is whatever it is that I am leaning on. I only used what energy I had to stand on my own when I was helping a customer. I had to constantly, and consciously will my eyes to stay open. In fact I think I dozed off in front of my register for about 10 seconds.

After that I decided that I needed an energy boost. My coworker suggested that I try Mountain Dew's MDX. She said she took it and the next thing she new she was wide awake. So I decided that I had no choice. I took a few sips of it and ten minutes later I was bouncing off of the walls. She was right, that stuff did wake me up, and that is why I have mixed feelings about drinking it. I didn't drink it all, only 10 sips (if that).

All of this makes me wonder what I will do on December 28th 2007. (yeah I'm optimistic)

There is NO half!

2007-03-30T16:24:00.000-04:00

When your buying something to eat, do you want to eat the whole thing, or are you gonna only eat half?

Did someone cut them in half?

My half is Bigger than your half!

Maybe those really have nothing to do with this post, but after you read this, maybe you'll understand where I am coming from.

Sharing is a good thing right. "Give half of it to your brother". OK fine I can accept that. What I can't accept is being called a "half brother".

When my brother used to work at the same place I'm at, there was this girl (a co-worker) that came up to the desk and asked if we were related. I told her yeah, that he is my brother. She then tells me that she didn't believe him, and that we don't look alike. Then she asks me if we are "half brothers". I thought about what she said for a moment, and I told her that I wasn't going to answer her question. She gets frustrated and she asks me why I won't? I think she said asked me if we were half brothers a couple more times before I said I won't won't answer your question the way you asked it. Finally she clued in on what I meant and asked me if we had different fathers.

I told her yeah, but he isn't my half brother. Yes it's true my brother and I have different fathers. I've known Jevon all of his life. I watched him grow up from a baby. I heard him cry when he had colic. I felt sorrow for him, when he had swallowed some boric acid and had to be rushed to the hospital. I was there when he had surgery on his wrist. I have spent time with my brother and watched him grow up into the young independent strong man that he is today. Twenty-one years of his life, and only once him and I ever argued...ONE time.

I love my brother with all of my heart, not half of it. So if there is someone out there that don't understand why I hate the term "half brother", then they must not be close to their's.

Blood is thicker than water.
I will always have my brother.
Half the time I can rely on my friends.

OMG

2007-03-28T11:43:00.000-04:00

(Insanely panting)

OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH!

Amel Larrieux has a new Album coming out on May 22nd. Caught me totally off guard in a good way!

Oh Yeah!

Am I Blunt?

2007-03-27T13:05:00.000-04:00

Recently it was brought to my attention that I can be blunt. I always thought I was shy and timid. When I say stuff, I usually bow down and agree to whatever somebody else is saying. But this kid at work told me that he that he likes that I say what I feel. Because I guess I wasn't feeling good, and I told him that I didn't feel like talking to anyone at the time. I told him, that, "I'm not blunt". Then I got the response of, "Yes you are Charles". He left me thinking about it.

Absorbing It!

Then Finally I came to the conclusion he was wrong. Then the week after...

Why does everything seem to happen to me at the laundromat?

I had an epiphany there. A woman came to the laundromat, to bring some magazines about her faith. She said hi to me and asked me if I would like to read one. I was sitting there in my own little world I guess and somehow I managed a response.

One word

NO!

There was no conversation afterwards. I merely continued playing a video game (or maybe being brainwashed by it), while I was in my little world.

Then it hit me, "_____ is right, I guess I am kind of blunt". I never saw it I guess. Knowing oneself is harder than knowing someone else.

Hmmm, I wonder if I am a ass too?

Rule #2: Express Yourself!

2007-03-21T11:59:00.001-04:00

Now that I think about it, all of these rules are going to be tough.

I always hold back how I truly feel. Never expressing what I really think, while I put my head down. It may be a good thing when I am at work when I deal with customers, but it's not good when it comes to my personal/social existence. I just bottle things up and and just say Amen. When the truth is, I would rather Agree to Disagree.

If my vision of how the world looks differs from another person's, shouldn't it be my right as a living, breathing, human being to voice my opinion.

For example, there was that time when my Step-mom and my Dad were arguing over scrabble. They were arguing about a word being miss-spelled. I got frustrated and I was about to get out of my chair to go to my room, but my dad yelled at me and told me to sit down. I wanted to tell them to stop, that it was just a game, but I just sat there and dealt with it. I wondered if my dad even remembered that when I was younger, I witness my mom's former boyfriend beating her.

I always put other peoples feelings first, before mines. NO More!

I have to lift my head up and look into that person or persons eyes and say what I think PROUDLY!

I'm going to say what I feel, and if they disagree, than we can agree to disagree and leave it at that.

Bottled Up

2007-03-19T10:05:00.000-04:00

I have been on an emotional roller-coaster of messy proportions. I have been high, I have been low, I went left than right, and then smack dab in the middle. The darkness I felt has dulled, but even so it's still there. I can still feel it as if it were gnawing at my soul in and ever so lovingly way, as if it were a cat trying it's best to "pet" me. The sad thing is that it doesn't know anything about "petting". It so desperately wants to come out and take over me, but I have managed to keep it at bay. The last time I gave in, I ended up hurting my wrist pretty badly by punching the propane cabinet in front of work. My hand hasn't been the same since. I remember the anger, and the negative thoughts I had at that time. I wanted everyone that angered me to be hurt in some way. Blogging at the time was a release valve. It worked somewhat, but it didn't stop me when I was away from my computer.

Recently that anger came back, and the littlest things have been activating the darkness. I'd like to believe that I have become stronger than I was a year ago. Then again, we all know what happens when we bottle things up. Just like when we shake a carbonated beverage and open it up, we can BLOW UP and nine times out of ten no one will see it coming. My hand is on the cork, but the pressure seems to be too strong. My eyes are closed because I am afraid to face "myself" (or my darker self, whatever you want to call it). It's not like I have a split personality or anything like that. I am fully aware of my Faculties, I'm just not sure of how to control them. I have to remember that kindness kills hate. I started being kinder last year and I think it also helped.

But...

I had been debating the reasons for the combustible feelings I have had recently, and in the past. I have come to the conclusion that it's my job that is doing this to me. The logical solution to remedy this situation is to remove myself from what is causing me to have a myriad amount of emotions. Hence forth, I am looking for a new job.

Expression of Feeling

2007-03-17T22:18:00.000-04:00

Words Over Time

I can't remember the last time I seen you
I can't remember the last words we said
Words between us seem to have always been far and between
Like my childhood
Questions
Words, any words I wanted from you
Where were you when I needed you
Once and awhile wasn't enough
I grew up feeling alone
Puzzled, and you still have the pieces
Wondered if you loved me
Wondered if you REALLY loved me
Wondered if I was a Burden
"I Miss You"
Remember that
I still search for those questions
The child in me still misses you
But the words, won't come out
There being held back
Are the words being held back in you too?

Accept ME!

You don't know how I feel
I really do care
I may seem cold to you
but looks can be deceiving
I have just felt so used many times
friendships just seem to be in disguise
Acceptance is one thing I need
Changing me is the last thing I want
There aren't many people out there who genuinely care
Are you one of them?
I don't need a weekend friend
I need a Real friend

Lingering Book

2007-03-13T13:35:00.000-04:00

I have been reading books now more than ever. For some reason, I have been feeling it more now than before. Maybe it's because I have been looking for something different. Who Knows, as long as I enjoy it, it shouldn't be an issue. The last two books were sci-fi adventure types. I don't know what category this new book I am reading falls under, but while I was on break at work, I decided to check out the books in the magazine aisle.

How does one pick a book? I think that is an interesting and valid question, because I sat there in the aisle for 7 out of the 15 minutes I had during my break trying to answer that question. Then I noticed a bright yellow book staring at me out of the corner of my eye. Then I looked at the title. Ironically, the title of the book is a phrase that I used to use in frustration, while I was at work on one of those "Bad everything that can go wrong and does" Kind of days. I had one of those last night by the way. The title of the book.

I picked it up, and I turned it over and like I did with Decipher, I read the premise on the back.
"What if your only fear was a lingering death? What if someone guaranteed to never let it happen, no matter what? Then what if you changed your mind?

It caught my attention, and then it made me think. What WOULD I do if I was in that situation. What would YOU do? I thought about that for awhile. I thought, "What if I became a father and I was going to slowly die from some wretched disease, would I give in, or would I fight to see my child's Graduation, or marriage? What if I found out right now that I have months to live, and my dream was within my grasp?

What Then?

If two Death Angels Approached me and told me that they would never let me suffer one single iota no matter what, I don't think I could agree to that. Sure I would suffer, but at least I wouldn't miss some of the greatest moments in my life. At least there would be laughter and smiles. I'd like to think that would be worth while.

If you haven't noticed, I have been in a bad place as of late, so you may read some negative and dark things here. Even my dreams have been kind of dark, and this book affected the last dream I had. I haven't felt that humorous Charles in awhile. I kind of miss him.

What are we saving?

2007-03-10T14:29:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wonder if you are guinea pigs to the government. They move Daylight Savings Time up earlier from the first Sunday in April to Tomorrow March 11th. Normally I open the desk at Seven, after I get off of work at 9:30 at night. However this year I am lucky that I am closing the desk. I would have lost an hour of sleep because of DST. On top of that it takes me an hour to unwind after I get home a half an hour later from walking from work. I read somewhere that they did this as a test run. Are they trying to see how we react to losing an hour of sleep, or is it to see how fast we can recover ourselves when we are thrown a curve ball.

Either way, I just wanted to let as many people I know to set your clocks an hour ahead. Just in case you are in the same situation as me, and you have to work too.

"Spring Forward"

Update: I meant that DST is on March 11th. I'm sorry for the confusion, and it has been corrected.

Feline Friday: Will You turn Off The Light.

2007-03-09T22:43:00.000-05:00

Can you imagine a cat that forces his way upstairs and lies on your bed, and visually let you know that you should turn the light off because it's bothering him. I didn't think it was possible, but Bouk seems to act more like a human than a cat. I still can't seem to catch Jet with the tip of his tail towards his head. When I do I will post it. I wish I could have gotten a better picture of this, but I didn't have a camera at the time, so I used my phone.

If you have a cat and you want to participate in Feline Friday, Click Here

Sniff, Sniff

2007-03-08T21:58:00.000-05:00

I'm feelin' sort of blue.

December 7, 2005, I'd like to think my life was changed for the better. Four pounds and nine ounces of joy, but I was scared at first to hold him. I was scared that I would drop him or hurt him in some way but eventually I got over it. The first six months, I was so scared. I worried about sudden infant death syndrome. He also had trouble breathing, so I worried about that too. It seemed like I worried too much because he was a fighter. In fact in some of the pictures I have, his hands were balled up in fists. I remember how I took so many pictures it made his mother jealous and kind of upset at me. He is my first nephew and he means so much to me, and I just love the little guy.

Now he is 15 months and a busy body. At first I wasn't sure that he liked me. I mean everything I did seemed to be wrong. When I bought him the Tickle Me Elmo Extreme, he cried because he was afraid of it while it was moving and talking. When I came into the room he would kind of play with me, but if someone else came in also he would go to them. For example, he would go to his Grandma (All kids love there grandmas), and then when his uncle Jevon came over, I felt left out too.

Recently though him and I started playing a lot more and became closer. We'd throw the ball back and forth to each other. I'd pick him up and let him play with the magnets on the fridge, much to everyone else's objections. He finally stopped being scared of the TMX so I would watch him play with that. I also spun him around until he got dizzy. I remember after I put him down he'd started spinning himself around, it was kind of cute seeing him fall to the floor from being dizzy. Sunday I tried to teach him to jump from the floor, but he isn't confident enough to do that yet, so instead my nephew would just stomp one foot onto the floor. It had my brother and I cracking up. We had so much fun, but when it was time for me to end the fun because of fatigue from working, my nephew would get sad to see me go upstairs to my room. He would cry for me, and it would make me sad and break my heart.

This week I made an exception when he cried for me, and I stayed downstairs and played with him. Although at one point I felt so tired, I ended up lying on the couch, and he ended up walking all over me.

I stayed down there because my sister has been trying so very hard to get her place, and she finally has. This week she started moving her things to her place, and you know what that means...

I won't be able to see my Jalani as much as I used to, so this made ME cry (I guess that can be considered my most recent cry then). They left a little over 30 minutes ago and I miss him already. I didn't even get a picture for this moment.

I'll miss the infectious smiles everyday to greet me.

I'll miss the running up to my legs and sticking hands up to ask me to pick him up.

I'll miss the running around the house chasing the cats to pet them.

I'll miss the curiosity he exudes just about every minute of every hour of every day.

I'll miss watching him grow up like I did during his first year. He was so tiny, and now he is getting so big. I'm proud of him, and happy to be his uncle.

I miss you Jalani.

This one's for you Shari

2007-03-07T14:11:00.000-05:00

Shari Tagged me, and I was more than happy to do this m... oh yeah Jeff I almost forgot you hate that word. LOL

1. First Name? Charles
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yeah, my dad
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Gosh, I can’t remember that’s a good thing right?
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? NO…I can’t even read it. It’s decent if I go slow.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Pork bologna. I can’t live without my pork.
6. KIDS? Someday, I hope.
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I’d like to think so, after all, I’m a pretty nice guy. Be my frieeennnddd
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? You mean this thing I am writing on???
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM? I think I just did!!!
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? If you mean those things in the back of my throat then, Yes.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Heck no, you can’t even get me on a airplane.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Lucky Charms
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No, the united stink would be too much for me. LOL
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Everyone has strength and weaknesses. I’m stronger than I used to be.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Vanilla
16. SHOE SIZE? 12 ½ to 13
17. RED OR PINK? Definitely RED!
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOUR SELF? Lack of confidence in myself (me too)
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Myself during my childhood. I was so much more confident and independent then.
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO DO THIS? Everyone, do you want me to, want you to do this??!!??
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Right now I am in hibernation mode, so I am in all black pajamas. Hey you asked?
22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Honey roasted peanuts. I am still not eating sweets (go me, go me)
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The blowing of our heater.
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Depends on my mood. Blue (peaceful), and red is struggle (Hint, Hint).
25. FAVORITE SMELLS? I like anything that brightens my day and wakes me up..
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My co-worker Shannon. I called her to ask her if she saw my glasses. I lost them. Lucky she found them.
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? It depends on what is attractive about them.
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I think she is nice.
29. FAVORITE DRINK? Well it used to be Cherry Coke, but now that I am not drinking soda anymore, its grape juice.
30. FAVORITE SPORT? FOOTBALL (Go BILLS)
31. EYE COLOR? Brown
32. HAT SIZE? Who gets there head measured?
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, because I would struggle to get them on.
34. FAVORITE FOOD? Macaroni and Cheese.
35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING! Happy Ending
36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATER? The Lakeshore…I love Sandra Bullock, and now she has another movie coming out. Damn her..LOL
37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black, hello who makes these. Read up above.
38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Fall or spring (me too) (me too too)
39 . HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs and kisses!
40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cheesecake
41.WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? No one, because I am not emailing this or tagging anyone (you are all safe….For now Bwahahahahah.
42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? See above
43. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? PREY, by Michael Crichton
44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? The same color as my shirt.
45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? NCIS, and the Simpsons
46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? I love Music Too
47. ROLLING STONES or BEATLES? B4 Way before my time.
48. there was no question for 48 on this survey. There always seem to be that one missing question.
49. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? I'm not talented. Not in a good way.
50. Where and when were you born? 1975, and if I told you where, you’d get confused.

Recent Observations

2007-02-27T22:30:00.000-05:00

Just a few things that I have noticed lately!

1. Whenever something bad happens people tend to find ways to take advantage of it.

For Example:

We all know about the Peter Pan peanut butter recall. But I bet not everyone knows what happens when some of the people throw their peanut butter away rather than taking them back for a full refund. (yes if you got some some of that salmonella infested peanut butter {sluuurrrrppp} take it back) If you have a garbage can then you better keep it locked up because no one's garbage can is safe from the fingers of the bums (or should I call them hobo's, or maybe the homeless either way...) We have a couple of homeless people who come to my job regularly and turn in bottles and cans that they find on the ground or in the garbage, for the five cents bottle deposit. Now, with that Peanut butter recall these two guys seem to have figured out that its some kind of gold mine or something. I don't know how long they have been doing it, but today they have brought in three jars of peanut butter. How do I know they got them from out of the garbage? How many jars of peanut butter have you seen with slime on them? I will probably see them again tomorrow. It's probably easier to search for one jar of peanut butter (retail $2.29), in comparison to 45 bottles or cans @ five cents each.

Something else that I noticed.

2.

The Oscars! All of these people gathered there to see which movie, actor or actresses...etc is the best. Which movie is the best. Not to knock Jennifer Hudson or Forrest Whitaker because they are good at what they do, but who decides what movies are great and which are not. Whoever does, don't have the same taste as I do, or the average American. Half of the time, the movies I see nominated are movies that I haven't even heard of. I will be honest. I'm not interested in movies that are trying to be portrayed as a work of art. I like movies with explosions, one liners, and action.

"Thrill Ride"

I also like love stories, comedies, creative storylines. I will watch anything that will peak my interest, as long as it make sense. Some movies just hurt my brain (cough-Napoleon Dynamite-cough). Anyways these movies way off in wonderland get nominated and the ones I watch seem to be snubbed out as if they were something on the Jerry Springer show. All of these actors, actresses, producers, and directors are living there dream, but to put some on a pedestal and others underneath it seems unfair. Some people probably wouldn't agree with me, but I think Bill Murray deserved an award for Groundhog Day. I love that movie and it was hilarious. Has Bill Murray even won a Oscar yet...Probably not.

3 and Finally:

I see these so called experts on TV saying, "This is what people want". Or saying this the hot new colors of the year, or how fat people are, and how thin is in. Personally I'd take a 164 pound Tyra Banks any day. There not reaching out to the real consumer. It seems like they are trying to invent there own. These experts don't know what I want. They can't tell me what I want, and personally I don't think it helps either. It makes me want to change the channel, because it makes me feel like i'm not real to them. As if I don't exist? We are living on the same planet, are we not? Not everyone can afford to go to the Bahamas, eat caviar and drive a $100,000 car. The average American is probably in the range of a trip to Hawaii, eat at Red Lobster, and drive a Honda Accord. Today I watched Good Morning America and they were talking about Girls in a sorority who were kicked out because of there weight and race. Is this the kind of results that the "experts" want?

Lately

2007-02-26T10:52:00.000-05:00

I logged onto my blog at about 9am. I swore up and down that I would write about something in my life, and then read some of my favorite blogs within an hour. I sat down an stared at my computer screen, looking at the blank "Create a post" page. Nothing came to me, so then I decided to check on the status of two video games that I'm dying to get my hands on. Like my mind, they are still up in Limbo somewhere.

So I was sort of happy to hear my mother ask me to do her driveway for her. I am still a little stiff from working six days straight, and walking to and from work in those six days, but I was up to it. I may have complained a little, about the pain, but it was a change of pace. Especially when I almost fell to the ground while I was playing with the shovel, as I was walking down the hill that is our driveway. Now that the bottom of my mother's car is safe, I came back here and stared at the screen some more, and I realized something. It's been a week since my last post. What happened in that last week that stopped me from posting.

First:

I bought a Nintendo DS and started playing Yugi'oh. Its kinda like chess, but better. The strategy in that game is WOW.

Second:

I have been reading a book called book called Decipher, written by Stel Pavlou

"Mankind had 12,000 years to crack the code. We have one week left."

It is a clever book. It's a great book. I have had it for a couple of years and I never finished reading it. One day I saw it while I was rearranging my bedroom for Feng Shui (or at least what I am hoping pass for it), and I decided to give it one more shot. When I got to the part that I left of at (In the Amazon where the character Maple shot the two guides) I continued to read on. The last time I read it, I stopped because of the violent nature of that scene. When I saw the book again, I realized that it wasn't the book, it was me. Whenever I see something or someone I don't like, I never give it a chance. Well based on that realization I picked up the book again and I am glad I did. It had everything from Atlantis to Nanomachines. It was awesome! The characters, the plot, even the descriptions of the things we are supposed to see. It could be a freaking movie.

I'm reading another favorite book of mines called Prey. I heard that they are making a movie about it so I wanted to re-read it as a "refresher" before it comes out. I like sci-fi stuff. If anyone has any suggestions about some other books let me know.

Before I Forget

2007-02-19T14:21:00.000-05:00

I don't know if it was a miracle or the fact I posted how I felt here out of frustration for what had happened to my co-worker. Whatever the reason, my co-workers baby started breathing on his own, and he also cried. This is what I was told by some fellow co-workers anyways. I prayed for a miracle for her. Maybe it is because I posted about this in my journal, whenever something happens, it totally flips and becomes the exact opposite on me within a few hours of a few days.

For instance my brother's new car was hit on the drivers side when he had the light and the other people ran there's. At first his car was going to be totaled than they changed there mind and said they would repair the damaged. Then they changed there mind again, then finally settled on repairing the car. I kept telling people on thing, and I ended up having to change what I said, over and over again.
Maybe I should just wait for the fat lady to sing next time. On the other hand babies heal up better than adults, so maybe this was a case of his body healing. Whatever the reason, I am glad that this ended up happily. I just hope that the baby doesn't have any damage to his brain.

I've failed! (Well Sort of)

2007-02-16T14:02:00.000-05:00

I was trying to go 365 days without eating certain bad foods. For the last week or so, I have eaten stouffers microwavable t.v. dinners. That was on the list. I'm kind of upset with myself, but they had a good sale for them, and the Marie Callanders dinners too. Okay i'm not really upset with myself. I added it knowing that I would possibly change my mind. Like Chris said if I do slip up, I am still compliant with 95% of the goal. So I am not going to let that get me down.

Anyways the real goal was not to eat junkfood like my Achilles heel (Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies) and fast foods from McDonald's, Burger King and Wendy's. Those I have fought hard within to keep at bay. I honestly wanted to stop eating those TV dinners, but with the erratic hours I get at work, it's hard to come home and cook dinner. Sometimes I just want something quick so I can go to bed.

I might just start eating sandwiches, but I need to find a substitute for Miracle Whip and Mayonnaise. ->Help<-.

Today I went and caught the bus to go to see the movie "Ghost Rider", but when I got out to my destination, I realized that I wasn't going to make it to the theater from the mall. A couple of days ago we got hit with a snow storm that dumped about 20 inches of snow here. The roads are perfectly fine. It's the Sidewalks that suck. It's a little complicated to explain. I could have taken a bus that would have gotten me closer to the theater, but it doesn't run within the time frame that would get me to the theater on time to see the movie. I only like to go and see a movie when its starting between 12 and 2pm, because I don't have a car yet and the buses don't run as frequent after 11:30am.

So I took a bus that would take me to the near by Mall (town of Irondequoit), and I decided to walk from there. I made a quick stop at a video game store and made a purchase that I had been waiting weeks for, and then when I walked up to the side walk I saw snow that would have been up to my kneecaps. I wasn't going to walk in the street in Irondequoit either. There was and is a lot of traffic out there, and people drive crazy on a busy road. So I turned back and caught the bus home.

Maybe next time!

2007-02-15T09:48:00.000-05:00

Our store took another big blow. I not sure I should even post this, but it's been on my mind a lot. One of my co-workers was pregnant. I was told that she always wanted to have children. Well She gave birth on Sunday. She was actually due on Groundhog Day, but for some reason she surpassed that date.

By nine days.

The doctor was going to induce the labor, but they kept saying, "if she doesn't go into labor, then they would induce it". One day turned into two and two turned into nine. The baby was 7lbs. 3oz., and it turned out that he was too big for her birth canal. The doctors had to perform a C-section. When they did this they found out that the baby's life signs were unstable. So they had to put him in an ICU. That was what I was told by a co-worker the first day that I heard the news. Yesterday when I came to work, I was told that the baby has no brain activity whatsoever. For all intents and purposes the baby is dead, albeit his body is alive and on life support. I can describe how much sadness I feel for her, just thinking about it now makes me want to cry for her. I can't imagine what she is going through, I just know she doesn't want to give up on her son. She gave life to him for nine months, just to lose him because of a doctors decision. I wouldn't wish this kind of sorrow on my worse enemy.

I don't even know what to say to her when I see her again. Everything in my life seems so trivial at this point and I don't want to say anything to upset her. Honestly I'm scared my heart is there, but my words get jumbled when I am nervous and then my good intentions turned to an insensitive comment. "How are you doing", is the worst thing you can say to a parent who has lost a child. I said that once to someone and I didn't realize how stupid a question it was. The best thing I can to is say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope that God will bless you.

I sincerely hope that this experience doesn't stop her from trying again. I hope that she can be happy.

Sigh...

2007-02-11T14:40:00.000-05:00

I'm kind of sad right now. One of my favorite managers (assistant manager) ever is being transferred to another store. He has been there for at our store for almost as long as I have.

He's cool, the hardest worker in the store, and he's a manager (<--I'm surprised about that part). If you could see the displays he puts up at our store, especially the one for Valentines Day you'd want to hire him too. Everyone at our store likes him. I have never heard any complaints about him whatsoever. Now everyone is going to miss him, myself included. Just about everyone at our store wish that we could, go where he is going. I hope the store he is going at knows how good of a manager they are getting. They better not give him no trouble, or we will come over and straighten them out (LOL).

I normally keep to myself and not express my feelings, but yesterday and today I let it be known that I feel that he should stay. But who am I to tell the higher ups. I'm just a lowly employee who wishes that he had "manager like power". Then again he has been there for seven years, and the last time he was going to be transferred, one of our previous store manager (oh yeah our store manager is gone too) asked that he stay. You don't know how happy we were to here that. But now...now he is leaving us. Today is his last day here, and I have the Blues.

I dunno, it seems like the sunshine isn't as bright as it use to be. He truly is one of a kind and he will be missed. His replacement has awfully big shoes to fill.